That's a fake smile by the way; coz I cant even muster a real one up at the moment;
; This may be in the wrong section? if yes; sorry.
A brief bit of my story for anyone interested.
I have been a Christian for 10 years.
age 0-20, I was an atheist
age 20-30, I was a Christian
age 30, (now) AAAGHHHGH I'm freaking out.
I feel lost and scared; seriously. A few days ago I was just at utube looking for a clip about Muslims that someone had sent me; but I stumbled upon that clip from WWGHA ; then I studied the website; & also the 'god is imaginary' one; and I agreed with many of the points; as they had come to my attention over the years- but I had just dismissed them...(because I didn't have the answers; and I tried to just let God be the boss; & to trust in His wisdom...) I also watched those clips on utube from the guy who used to be a christian ;http://www.youtube.com/user/Evid3nc3#p/u/15/RDOolLsdxPo
and I agreed with much of what he said too; I feel like he really knows what is going on inside my brain!
I seriously am amazed that within the last few days- these websites have pushed me to a 'sitting on the fence' position... and it was only just the other day that I wrote on Facebook- that I had been a believer for 10 years and had not doubted Gods existence for a moment in ALL THAT TIME!... I didn't think I was boasting-? (maybe I'm being punished for being full of myself-? *I seriously think/thought like this as a Christian. I was just amazed that I had been SO CERTAIN that God was real! (especially since I had not believed in him from the age of 0-20 yrs.)
My faith has been shaken now...for the first time;
It annoys me (my pride probably) that people have already said that my faith must be weak because of this; (even though I have had very strong faith- and been very confident in my beliefs for 10 years.) I know that's what most Christians think when someone 'falls away'. I can visualise the 'Christians' from my old church being delighted that I have finally 'fallen'. I left there a few years ago because of a difference of doctrine...and they basically expect everyone who leaves them to fall away from God- but I didn't...until now...
Anyway; I want to say this publically ; that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!
It's not fair that we are born into this world- and that we have NO IDEA *why* we are here.
It doesn't seem to bother some people- (like it never used to bother me before I became a Christian)~but NOW it bothers me.
What are we meant to be doing with our time? How are we meant to act? Does it even matter?
If God is real- why didn't He make it easier and simpler!
If He is real & the Bible is his word- then why not make the bible better than it is!? ... Because it's confusing and it does my head in- I have studied it heaps; and it never gets easier-(& I have no idea how more 'simpler' people can even comprehend it! )
There is always something to completely confuse you! I also wondered why it's not full of better information- rather than, blah, blah blah blah blah- I wanted some PRACTIAL info; and why did SO much have to be repeated... & couldn't it have been put into a simpler format?!...and couldn't the bible tell us MORE about this 'GOD' !!!??? ... agaahahgahhhh ...Why does it all have to be clothed in darkness and mystery!!!?
I used to love the old testament- well some of it; coz I thought I was really getting to know my creator- but I did not like all that I read...
I know so many people that misquote the Bible- or just make their own stuff up & say that it's in there...and people that interpret passages erroneously...
I am sick of talking about doctrine; I'm sick of fighting to defend God. I'm sick of *'pretending' that Christianity has all the answers! BECAUSE IT DOESNT!!! (*even though I didn't realise that this is what I was doing a lot of the time)
If God is real; Why can't he just RULE NOW- why do we have to go through these motions!!!!
Get it over with already!
It's really not fair; that people ( and completely INNOCENT children are beaten, raped and murdered;)
I used to just forcibly put that stuff out of my mind; and comfort myself with the idea that "God knows; and He will bust the evil ones & judge justly. I thought hopefully He let the people not feel the pain & fear so much when they were hurt...
Why would it be such a big deal- if he reached down and helped people that REALLLY NEEDED HIS HELP!; eg; if he saved that little girl from being abducted, raped and murdered; why couldn't he just BLOW the perpetrator up!!!!???
It's just not fair that all this evil is allowed to go on in this world.
It's terribly distressing and depressing.
If God really has thisbig plan of a new kingdom on a new earth etc then WHY DIDN'T HE JUST DO THAT FROM THE BEGINNING!!!
I'm seriously not impressed with this world if God made it.
(and each time I say things like that I feel a bit bad- because I was never one to get angry with God when I was a Christian- I feel like I'm being disrespectful- which I completely am- if he is real.)
I want it GONE!
I find it hard to believe that there is no point to life.
I don't know if I will ever believe that.
I need a purpose.
Why make us; if he was going to hate us... it's really sad; and it's not fair.
.END OF RANT. Please comfort me in my time of need; anyone. Even God if you're real...
Now everyone will see my story; how I fell away-or nearly did.... who knows how this will turn out....