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Community Zone => Chatter => Topic started by: EV on March 22, 2012, 10:24:13 AM

Title: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 22, 2012, 10:24:13 AM
After seeing many comments about jokes, I decided to take action.

Alright guys and gals, hit me with your best.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: ParkingPlaces on March 22, 2012, 10:54:52 AM
Two snowmen, standing out in the yard. One says to the other "Do you smell carrots?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 22, 2012, 11:17:04 AM
This guy is feeling a little under the weather, so he goes to the GP for a check up.

The doctor then proceeds to go through the usual stuff-
He gets his stethoscope out, listens to his chest and back, asks him to take a deep breath, cough, taps his knee with that little hammer thing to check his reflex arcs, looks in his eyes and ears with ophthalmo/otoscope, and so on and so on.

Then, at one point, he looks down at his clip board, then back at the patient. he has a very grave look on his face and after a few moments pause tells the patient, in quite a serious, somber, voice,

"I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating, sir"

The patient, fairly alarmed (for quite obvious reasons!!), asks hysterically,

"But why, doc? What's wrong?!"

So the doctor replies,

"I'm trying to perform a physical examination on you..."



EDIT: also, Elliot, do you not think it's somewhat bad etiquette to start this thread and not offer a joke of your own? come on boyo, SHOW. ME. THE FUNNY! xD
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 22, 2012, 11:58:10 AM
Sorry RNS! I did write one down, but I must have deleted it when I hit post... :P

Try these ones:

'I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih-tzu.'

(say it out loud if you don't get it)

'What do you call a girl lying in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.'
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 22, 2012, 12:01:22 PM
nice, nice :) i really love silly little jokes
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 22, 2012, 12:04:06 PM
A bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 22, 2012, 12:10:35 PM
lame science jokes:

why is there no aspirin in the jungle? because the parrots-eat-em-ol!

guy goes into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. the barman says, "sure" and pours him the drink. the guy asks, "so what do i owe ya?"
the barman points at the beverage and replies, "that's 80p"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 22, 2012, 12:12:01 PM
HAHA RNS that one was brilliant!

What happened to the guy who couldn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Backspace on March 22, 2012, 01:38:51 PM
Here are a couple that crack me up - I may have pulled them from this website  :angel:

1. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar.  The bartender looked at them and said, "What is this, a joke?!"

2. A priest, a thief, and a pedophile walk into a bar... and that was just the first guy!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Mr. Blackwell on March 22, 2012, 02:02:26 PM
three men walked into a bar...the fourth man ducked.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 22, 2012, 02:29:24 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

Wiped his bum.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: ungod on March 22, 2012, 02:55:41 PM
Quote
Huckabee Thinks a Fertilized Egg is a Person, Let's Take That to Its Logical Conclusion.
Pandagon. February 28, 2008.

If a fertilized egg is a person vested with full rights and privileges, can post-coital women at least drive in the carpool lane?


=1&date[F]=2&date[Y]=2008&act=Go]http://www.alternet.org/topstories/archives/fall?date[d]=1&date[F]=2&date[Y]=2008&act=Go (http://www.alternet.org/topstories/archives/fall?date[d)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: mrbiscoop on March 22, 2012, 05:53:57 PM
Q:Why are camels often referred to as the ships of the desert?
A: Because they are filled with Arab seamen.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: rev45 on March 22, 2012, 06:07:41 PM
A doctor was doing a checkup on a blonde teenage girl.  He puts the stethoscope on her and says "big breaths."

She says "Thanks, and I'm only 15."   

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 22, 2012, 07:15:33 PM
I'm getting whiplash from shaking my head. &)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 23, 2012, 04:22:28 AM
Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One turns to the other and says:

"Hey, let's go in and get shit-faced"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Anfauglir on March 23, 2012, 07:55:07 AM
A piece of tatty tangled string walks into a bar.

The barman says suspiciously "hey, aren't you a tatty tangled piece of string?"

The tatty tangled piece of string says "no - I'm afraid not".

. . . . .

(another one to read out loud).
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on March 23, 2012, 08:29:35 AM
When I was a kid my parents sent me for swimming lessons one summer.  The instructor called my dad and said "Screwtape cannot come to lessons anymore.  He was peeing in the pool."  Screwtape Sr said, "give him a break.  Lots of little kids pee in the pool!"

The instructor said, "not from the diving board."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Timtheskeptic on March 23, 2012, 11:49:50 AM
a gay man, a bisexual man, and a transexual man walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "You're not welcome here!"
The three yelled at him, "How dare you! We're born this way!"
Bartender, "Not you, Rick Santorum was following you with his camera. He's hoping to catch of gay action in here again!"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 24, 2012, 06:23:16 AM
A rabbi was retiring, and he decided to move to a relatively unpopulated, faraway land so he could spend his last years contemplating things.

It was mountainous country, but with temperate weather year round.  He would spend his mornings hiking up to vistas to enjoy the views as he sat and contemplated.  There was another hermit who lived nearby that he found to be of enjoyable company.  Some nights, they would share a dinner together. 

One morning, after a few months of near solitude, he came to a little sign staked in the ground that read, "Village of the Trids."  Curious, he went on, hoping to meet these people that the hermit had never mentioned.  He was startled when he came across a village that was normal in every respect, except that everything was quarter-sized.  Quarter-sized buildings, quarter-sized doors, even quarter sized tools lying about.

Not to mention, quarter-sized, blue skinned people.  'Hello,' the rabbi said, wondering if the Trids spoke his language.  They did, and they turned out to be quite friendly.  After an hour of conversation, the rabbi noted how late it was, bade the Trids a good evening, and headed home.

The next day, he started earlier than normal, and headed directly toward the Trid's village.  These blue skinned people intrigued him, and found he had many more things he'd wanted to talk about with them.

When he arrived, the place was deserted.  Puzzled, he was about to call out, when he heard a Trid-sounding cheer coming from the distance.  He headed that way, and as he neared a large cliff-side clearing, he could see through the foliage that the hermit was there with the Trids.

He paused to see what was happening and was astounded and frightened.  The Trids were lined up at the edge of the cliff, and the hermit ran up to one of them, swung his leg, and booted one of the Trids right off of the cliff into the expanse.  The Trids all cheered at this, and watched their cousin plummet.

The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes, and he stayed there frozen for fear of being discovered.  After a few more Trids were sent flying, and a few more joyous cheers, the Trids returned to their village and the hermit headed back down the mountain.

That night, the rabbi couldn't sleep.  What was going on?  Why were these Trids so happily accepting such a thing?  What was the purpose?  He decided to get to the bottom of it.

For the next week, the rabbi journeyed to the Trid village early in the morning before light, hid himself in the bushes by the cliff-side clearing, and watched as the hermit kicked ten or 15 willing Trids into the abyss.  He noticed that Trids that were kicked off of the mountain were always present the next morning, appearing to be no worse for the wear.

On the seventh morning, the rabbi couldn't take the mystery anymore.  He stood up, and stepped out of his hiding place.  All the Trids and the hermit turned to him, and the rabbi said, "What is going on?  I've been watching you all do this for weeks, and I don't understand it!  Do you Trids actually enjoy this?  Hermit, you seem like a perfecly peaceful, reasonable person.  What is this about?

The hermit replied, "Yes, the Trids love this.  They asked me to do it.  It's always been their tradition for as long as they know to start their days like this.  You see, this is a magical cliff, and being kicked off of it results in no harm.  At the bottom of the cliff is a stream, and in that stream are the most delectable fishes you have ever tasted.  So every day, some Trids go down there and retrieve some fishes for the night's feast.  They asked me to do the kicking for them a few years back, as it's so much easier for me to do."

"It doesn't hurt them?" asked the rabbi.

"Not a bit!  It's actually quite an enjoyable fall." replied the hermit.  "I assure you, it's a magic cliff, and this has been going on for generations of Trids."

"Well, shoot."  said the rabbi.  "I must admit, it really does sound and look like fun.  What do I have to lose - can you let me go next?"

The hermit shook his head and replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 24, 2012, 08:17:06 AM
^ I don't get it :/
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jynnan tonnix on March 24, 2012, 10:20:32 AM
Tagline of commercials for Trix cereal...there's always a rabbit trying unsuccesfully to trick the kids out of their Trix, whereupon they tell him, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids".
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: ParkingPlaces on March 24, 2012, 10:39:51 AM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating it, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the ceiling full of holes. Then it walks out of the restaurant with the manager close behind. "Hey!" the manager shouts, "Where are you going? You just shot up my restaurant and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back, "Hey, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager goes back, opens his dictionary and finds this.  Panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 24, 2012, 03:56:21 PM
Tagline of commercials for Trix cereal...there's always a rabbit trying unsuccesfully to trick the kids out of their Trix, whereupon they tell him, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids".

: )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CA11vk_X-A&feature=related
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 25, 2012, 02:44:55 PM
Ahah. Don't think we got that cereal over here.

'One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet."

Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf." '
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 25, 2012, 05:45:15 PM
A proctologist walks down the hospital corridor with a chart, and reaches behind his ear. He pulls out an anal thermometer.

"Hey" he says "Some bum's stolen my pen"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 25, 2012, 05:50:31 PM
A lion wakes up in a foul mood and prowls through the jungle, generally terrorising the other animals.

He happens upon a field mouse, and stares down at it menacingly. He roars "why are you so small?"

To which the field mouse responds "well, I haven't been very well"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 25, 2012, 05:53:16 PM
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn..
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 25, 2012, 05:59:00 PM
a good one to try out verbally when you get a chance.

You tell a friend that you just heard an actress was stabeed. Reece someone or other.

To which they will invariably respond: Witherspoon?

And then you can, with as straight a face as possible, say. No - it was with a knife.

And then often you need to duck as yiur friend tries to belt you one.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: One Above All on March 25, 2012, 06:04:53 PM
A lion wakes up in a foul mood and prowls through the jungle, generally terrorising the other animals.

He happens upon a field mouse, and stares down at it menacingly. He roars "why are you so small?"

To which the field mouse responds "well, I haven't been very well"

...I don't get it.
*is feeling stupid*
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on March 25, 2012, 06:16:20 PM
The lion has terrified everything it encounters and expects the field mouse will be similarly terrified.

It taunts the mouse...but the mouse has a lot of self-confidence, and assumes that the lion has noticed it has lost weight and is asking why...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Energized on March 26, 2012, 11:26:44 AM
A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Energized on March 26, 2012, 11:31:21 AM
A blonde was driving her convertible sports car to visit her boyfriend. She was listening to her radio and the jockey was telling blonde jokes. She became very irrate.

As she drove past a wheat field, she noticed another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the field, pretending to row as though she were in water.

The sports car blonde slammed on the brakes, got out of her car and stood at the edge of the field, shouting "I've just listened to a radio jockey tell the most awful blonde jokes ever! And there you are in the middle of a wheat field rowing! You're just encouraging the stereotype of the dumb blonde! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!"

E.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on March 26, 2012, 11:33:16 AM
A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.

"You better make it four. I don't think I could eat eight."
Yogi Berra at a dinner in an Italian restaurant, when asked into how many slices his pizza should be cut

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Energized on March 26, 2012, 11:35:44 AM
A straight man walks into a gay bar and sits at the bar. A very effeminate bartender walks over and asks, "What'll it be, sailor?" The straight man asks for a beer. The bartender brings him a draft.

After a few minutes, the bartender and the straight man are having a discussion.

"Do you have a name for your penis, sailor?"

"A name?" asks the straight man.

"Yes, a name. Like mine. I call my dick, Nike. You know, 'Just Do It.' "

The straight man thinks for a few seconds and replies, "I call mine secret."

"Secret?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, secret," the straight man replies. "You know, 'Strong Enough for a Man, Made for a Woman.' "

E.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 27, 2012, 08:35:23 AM
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 27, 2012, 08:49:12 AM
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

(http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/518/reese.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on March 27, 2012, 09:03:13 AM
hahaha! that's exactly what my friend brought up after I did the joke on her!!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: rev45 on March 27, 2012, 12:42:03 PM
Picture puns.
(http://www.funnychill.com/files/funny-pictures/with-and-without-flash.jpg)
(http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Kim_a0e484_3045710.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 28, 2012, 10:11:35 AM
Remember... dismember.... wait..wouldn't dismember roughly equal forgetting and remember mean having body parts sewn back on?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 28, 2012, 03:20:03 PM
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

(http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/518/reese.jpg)

I told the joke at dinner last night and could barely get through it with a straight face. Caught my daughter! ;D

My MIL was just confused. Mybe she didn't have her ears in.... :?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 28, 2012, 03:22:56 PM
Why did the lion cross the road and kill the chicken?

Cause it was in a fowl mood.

[ducks]

[turkeys]

 :angel:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: DumpsterFire on March 29, 2012, 01:37:38 AM
A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on March 29, 2012, 06:32:49 AM
two blokes walk out of a pub

there's a dog in the gutter licking itself where dogs can

one bloke say  "I wish I could do that...."

his mate replies " If you pat him, ........he might let you"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 06:51:21 AM
That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt.  ;D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on March 29, 2012, 07:04:21 AM
That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt.  ;D

excellent a mature age dirty joke      ..........what you whinging about?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 07:04:50 AM
OK..Two kids, bother and sister go to first day of their new scool.
The teacher tells the little girl to stand up and tell the class her name so she stands and says, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
Tbe teacher looked at her with a smile. "Come on little girl...what's your real name?"
Once again, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
After several goes the girl kept to her story so the teacher exasperated finally tells her she can just go to the principals office till she learns to say her real name.
The girl sadly walks to the door then turns to her brother, "Come on Fartface....She ain't gonna believe you either."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Samuelxcs on March 29, 2012, 07:20:16 AM
theists?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Pounamu on March 29, 2012, 07:29:42 AM
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

(http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/518/reese.jpg)

Lol! This picture reminds me of this:

(http://www.moxtube.com/images/photos_en/1327611643.jpg)

 ;D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 11:28:37 AM
Much Ba'alessings upon you, Cadillac.  Learning a new Christian Bale pun always makes my day, and as we all know -

(http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/3089/franceisbacon.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 11:52:35 AM
Is there one for Christian Fletcher?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 29, 2012, 12:02:00 PM
Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short?  :D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 12:08:00 PM
Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short?  :D
Is Ricky a Retardo?.. Santorum, most definitely.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Backspace on March 29, 2012, 02:05:46 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed... 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating; you've named your daughter Candy." 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money, and it too manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." 

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol;  again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." 

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 03:29:24 PM
What do you call a paper priest?



Answer - The pulp


Is there one for Christian Fletcher?

Do you mean the surfer, the photographer, or the armorer?  I'm sure I could think of a suitably tasteless one.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on March 29, 2012, 03:43:55 PM
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.  The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 04:10:36 PM
I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 04:27:25 PM
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: atheola on March 29, 2012, 04:36:05 PM
Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 05:08:10 PM
What is the opposite of a duck?



Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty

Well, that would have been my guess, and I'm guessing again - written by Herbert Melville? 
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on March 29, 2012, 07:12:39 PM
time flies like an arrow


fruit flies like a banana
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 29, 2012, 08:41:05 PM
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. :-\
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on March 29, 2012, 08:44:02 PM
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. :-\

like a boss   with connery's accent   gives bosch (which I imagine is a dishwasher manufacturer)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jynnan tonnix on March 30, 2012, 08:51:58 AM
Speaking of Sean Connery....


(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y35/Ivonasimages/390311_328485800514213_205344452828349_1233989_98081208_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on March 30, 2012, 07:26:00 PM
^^^^Dude not only hash the accent of shscottish-oshity, but shports an amazing 'shtache of aweshomeness and a raished eyebrow of shardonic macho-dociousness.[1]
 1. my daughter says that -docious is the all-time best descriptor
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Omen on March 30, 2012, 08:42:31 PM
What kind of bee's produce milk!?

BOOBIES!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Willie on March 30, 2012, 09:27:54 PM
How do you get a nun pregnant?






Dress her up as a choir boy.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jynnan tonnix on March 30, 2012, 09:29:16 PM
oh, those last two absolutely lived up to the thread title. Ouch.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: ungod on March 31, 2012, 06:24:31 AM
(http://www.barnorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/house.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: ungod on March 31, 2012, 06:42:47 AM
(http://www.12thblog.com/wp-content/images/2011/02/d65/21.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on April 02, 2012, 04:20:34 AM
I went to a Brangelina themed fancy dress party last night.To be original I went naked, but totally covered in hair.

I was Brad's pit.


I was walking on the other side of the street and witnessed a blind woman getting run over.

I said to my friend: 'I bet she didn't see that coming'.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on April 02, 2012, 02:30:53 PM
What is the opposite of a duck?

The sound of one wing flapping, Grasshopper.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on April 03, 2012, 03:39:45 AM
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.


"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.


The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.
He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.   
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on April 03, 2012, 08:56:02 PM
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


It would never happen.  Amoebas are asexual.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 03, 2012, 09:14:20 PM
Past, present and future walked slowly into a bar and looked around.

It was tense..
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on April 03, 2012, 10:05:20 PM
One my dad told me earlier and I am ashamed to repeat:

"Oh I didn't know Matt Damon believed in Reincarnation"
"Oh?"
"He said he wanted to be Bourne again".  &)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 04, 2012, 03:03:35 AM
Australians and the English have a bit of a love/hate relationship.

But I have to say, I have a soft spot for the English.

Quicksand...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on April 04, 2012, 06:32:31 AM
Last night, my wife rang me to pick her and her two friends up after they got caught in a sudden downpour whilst walking home from weight-watchers.
As I drove up, they all stood there, dripping wet and shivering.
"So" I said, "what did you learn about tonight?....saturated fats?"


Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.


My missus said that my penis reminds her of her favourite supermarket.
I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."


I used to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.


Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.
Turns out she's a Slovak.


News from a week on the stock market.
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on April 04, 2012, 09:02:53 AM
Two Russian peasant women were pulling up carrots.  On pulled out an enormous root and said, "ugh.  Reminds me of my husbands dick."

The other said," whoa! So big?"

"No," the first replied, "so dirty."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on April 04, 2012, 11:41:51 AM
What did the percussionist get on their IQ test?



Drool
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: HalusN8er on April 04, 2012, 01:57:48 PM
How do you get a southern girl to suck your dick?

Dip it in Ranch.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: grant on April 06, 2012, 05:36:02 AM
What sort of meat do priests eat on good Friday?






Nun.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: DumpsterFire on April 06, 2012, 08:31:03 AM
Despite rumors of cannibalistic natives, some explorers ventured into the deepest jungles of Africa. After several days, a cacophony of drums was heard in the distance. The drumming was incessant, and after a full day of it the explorers asked their local guides about it. "There will be drumming for 3 days," was the reply. After the 2nd solid day of it the explorers asked what the drumming meant, and were told "There will be drumming for 3 days. It is part of the ritual." On the 3rd day of drumming, the explorers asked "What ritual?" and were told "The native tribes have a ritual that starts with 3 days of drums when there are intruders on their land." "OMG!" said the explorers, "What happens when the drumming stops?"

"Guitar solo."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Ice Monkey on April 06, 2012, 08:34:37 AM
worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Backspace on April 06, 2012, 02:52:14 PM
A man boards an airplane; and who's in the seat next to him? - the Pope! The man is nervous, excited, and trying to think of something to say.

The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle, and the man says, "So, your Holiness, do you enjoy crossword puzzles, too?"
The Pope responds, "Yes, my son."

The man thinks to himself, wow that was a dumb question - I blew it.

Just then, the Pope leans over and asks, "What's a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"

The man, terrified, thinks: oh, dear, I know the answer, but it's such a terribly vulgar word, I can't... Oh wait! He blurts out, "Yes, your eminence! The word is "AUNT."

The Pope says, "Ah, yes, of course. Do you have an eraser?"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: DumpsterFire on April 06, 2012, 06:24:51 PM
worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...

I already dropped this little nugget back on post 42, IM. Its a classic.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on April 07, 2012, 04:55:19 PM
My little brother just told me the best awful joke I think I've ever heard.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 07, 2012, 08:03:55 PM
To do list:

Hire two private detectives and have them follow each other

Wear a shirt with "LIFE" written in big letters. Stand in the city and hand out lemons.

Run excitedly into a shop and yell "what year is it?" When someone answers, run outside yelling "it worked!!"

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on April 07, 2012, 08:07:15 PM
To do list:

Hire two private detectives and have them follow each other

...nice idea but it couldn't work.  ;D
Once you give both victims their opposite number's photo, then neither could follow the other without being recognised.

However if you used three or more PIs........
 A follows B   B follows C  C follows A, it could take a little longer for them to tumble to the game.

obviously the more the merrier as the formula would not needs be so linear, and the solution not so obvious.

A follows C   B/D C/B D/A 




Run excitedly into a shop (wearing clothes makeup accessories from the past or from a possible future) and yell "what year is it?" When someone answers, run outside yelling "it worked!!"

.....added italicised for flesh on the great bones. ;)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 07, 2012, 08:14:06 PM
That joke is strictly copyrighted. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, surfer boy.

Just kidding...good inclusion.

Thinking of videoing a good visual joke and posting it on youtube...any rules against posting videos of yourself?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jynnan tonnix on April 07, 2012, 08:43:52 PM
My little brother just told me the best awful joke I think I've ever heard.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Reminded me of this one...

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a stockbroker?

She drew a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: JL on April 07, 2012, 10:13:23 PM
A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

Oi oi  ;D :laugh:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on April 07, 2012, 10:30:05 PM
That joke is strictly copyrighted. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, surfer boy.

Just kidding...good inclusion.

Thinking of videoing a good visual joke and posting it on youtube...any rules against posting videos of yourself?
my bold

.....only running the risk of creating a superior world's shortest joke

....."thou art"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 07, 2012, 11:13:07 PM
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4yzfA8yDaU&context=C4153230ADvjVQa1PpcFMSdC_C7NMVsVx_-WUjuWhp8y0RBdJtOJE=
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on April 08, 2012, 12:45:59 AM
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:

>snip<

which killing joke is as funny as a straight razor?
 the church mouse seeing a cross for cheesus  ;)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on April 09, 2012, 04:04:16 PM
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4yzfA8yDaU&context=C4153230ADvjVQa1PpcFMSdC_C7NMVsVx_-WUjuWhp8y0RBdJtOJE=
I couldn't follow the joke, I was too busy salivating over your wonderful Ozzie Ozzie OiOiOi ACCENT! You had me at g'day, mate. Any chance of you dressing up in a dress made of flip flops a la Penelope queen of the desert for me? You know you want to. Alzael did, and even sent me pix. :-*

Actually the joke did make me laugh, in that, "I can't believe I'm laughing at this horrible video of this horrible joke" way. Good on ya. And what the eff is that on your t-shirt?
:D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on April 09, 2012, 04:17:15 PM

 And what the eff is that on your t-shirt?
:D

It's a plane, comprised of various ticket stubs. It's from a website in the USA actually.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on April 10, 2012, 02:39:10 PM
Stop me if you've heard this one.
Too late.


Q: Why is a submarine like a porn star's shlong?






A: Because they're both long, hard, wet and full of seamen.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on April 10, 2012, 09:44:17 PM
Stop me if you've heard this one.
Too late.


Q: Why is a submarine like a porn star's shlong?

A: Because they're both long, hard, wet and full of seamen.

arrggghhh  you've just caused me to make up an awful



great name for a dockside hairdressers

The Seamen's Perm
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 06, 2012, 10:08:28 PM
roses are dead,
violets are dead,


....man I'm bad at gardening.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on May 06, 2012, 10:56:53 PM
roses are dead,
violets are dead,


....man I'm bad at gardening.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Timtheskeptic on May 11, 2012, 08:31:09 AM
An atheist, A doctor, and a scientist all walks into a bar and God flees on the spot.

Fred Phelps, Marcus Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ted Haggard, and Brian Brown all wall into a bar. The bartender looks up and said, "Get thy beam out of thy eyes!"
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 11, 2012, 08:50:29 AM
Jesus had to feed a whole bunch of people with very little bread. So he cut the ends off the loaf to make endless bread.[1]
 1. I feel like this could be formulated better, but I'm too tired to be funny
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 11, 2012, 09:02:18 AM
Jesus had to feed a whole bunch of people with very little bread. So he cut the ends off the loaf to make endless bread.[1]
 1. I feel like this could be formulated better, but I'm too tired to be funny

Jesus was faced with the hungry multitudes and only had one loaf and one fish. Suddenly inspiration hit and, with a flourish,  the son of god cut off the ends of the loaf and the head and tail of the fish.

The people fell to their knees, weeping at the miracle: now both the bread and the fish were endless.  :angel:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 11, 2012, 09:06:33 AM
^Thank you, nicely done  :D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on May 11, 2012, 09:09:12 AM
the bread was made from the infinite stupidity of people Doh!

and when weighing the portions, they always found some fish on the scales.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: AshleyMB on May 19, 2012, 01:19:45 PM
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?

All you can eat for under a buck.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Poseidon on May 20, 2012, 07:19:08 PM
There once was a pirate named Yates
who did the fandango on skates,
but he slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless,
and practically useless on dates.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: BaalServant on May 21, 2012, 12:23:41 AM
A candle went to the doctor.

"Doctor, it burns when I pee.  Can you help?"

The doctor replied, "It burns when you do anything.  You're a candle."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: naemhni on May 21, 2012, 07:27:00 AM
Q:  How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  One.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Samuelxcs on May 21, 2012, 07:40:03 AM
Fat people - They are the best bouncers!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 21, 2012, 02:40:27 PM
There once was a pirate named Yates
who did the fandango on skates,
but he slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless,
and practically useless on dates.
Pirate Yates met a lady named Pearl,
Who invited him out for a whirl.
When he took off his breeches,
she was first rendered speechless,
then said, "Fine, I'll let you be the girl."

You had to get me started with the limericks.... :(
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Poseidon on May 21, 2012, 05:36:27 PM
Nogods, That one is a goody I can not counter with another one that is as clever but there is this........

There once was a plumber named Lee
who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
Said she; stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming.
Aha, said the plumber its me.

it's your turn
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 21, 2012, 08:00:34 PM
Several stinky Jesus Jokes:

Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles?  They fall through the holes in his hands.  (M&Ms or any candy that happens to be handy.)

Jesus slaps three nails on the innkeeper's counter.  "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus is coming - he pulled out to just to show the camera.

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

What's this?
[Hold palm of hand directly over mouth, make nom-nom noises and open and close your mouth]
Jesus biting his nails.


Quick succession:

What do you call a girl with one leg?  Ilene
What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg?  Irene.
Where do they work?  IHOP

(IHOP = International House of Pancakes)


What's stiff and makes women scream at night?  SIDS


How do you load a truck with dead babies? With a pitchfork.
How do you know when you've found a live one?
Act out shoveling Normally:
Dead baby...
Dead baby...
Act out shoveling with something wriggling on end:
Live baby...
Act out shoveling Normally:
Dead baby...

What's black & white & can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a harpoon through her head.

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on May 22, 2012, 03:42:35 AM
WWGHA is a forum,
where fallacies we abhor 'em.
Christians run away,
near to every day
because we just can't ignore 'em.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on May 22, 2012, 03:44:29 AM
It's your turn.
I'll join in here:

There once was a woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

There once was a man from China,
Who was a shitty rock climber.
He slipped on a rock,
And cut off his cock,
So now he has a vagina.

(Apologies for the immaturity of these- I learnt them at primary school ;) )
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Fiji on May 22, 2012, 04:34:53 AM
Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.

What's the difference between canary?
Both its legs are just as long, especially the left one.

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."

A verbal one:
How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?
Same way you get to Wales in any car, you go to the M4 and drive across the Severn Bridge.

oh hell, this will save time http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7GvstxiH-M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7GvstxiH-M)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on May 22, 2012, 08:11:00 AM
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"


Count Dracula said to his pal:
“Say, Frank, what you need is a gal,
And I know a young dear
Who’s been dead for a year
So she’ll surely improve your morale.”

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jynnan tonnix on May 22, 2012, 08:39:35 AM
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

More a tongue twister than a joke, per se...it reminds me of this one:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "we must flee"
"We must fly", said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Try saying that fast :)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on May 22, 2012, 09:45:04 AM
Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."


A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Hatter23 on May 22, 2012, 10:09:35 AM
Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.


Carbon, Oxygen, and Hydrogen get together in a bar. Bartender says, "We don't need your kind around here!"
They leave, but the absence of the group makes all the customers very unhappy.

Did you hear about the passing of Henry Winkler? He died of Aaaayyyyids
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 22, 2012, 11:07:34 AM
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got a knife,
Get in the van.




What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.




A Scotsman walks out of the bar!!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: naemhni on May 22, 2012, 11:26:50 AM
Q:  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A:  A stick.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 22, 2012, 11:33:49 AM
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint

Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on May 22, 2012, 01:28:06 PM
what's brown and sounds like a bell?


Dunnnnng!
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 22, 2012, 01:58:07 PM

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."


I laughed out loud. I am such the geek. ;D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 22, 2012, 02:01:51 PM
What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

My younger sister used to tell jokes like this. One of her favorites was--
Q: When is Charlie Brown not a boy?
A: When he's a bird.

(It helps to know that we had a series of parakeets, all named Charlie Brown....)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Samuelxcs on May 23, 2012, 07:46:57 AM
children...
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Fiji on May 23, 2012, 08:04:54 AM
Life is like a box of chocolates ... crap if it's from the Netherlands
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: stuffin on May 23, 2012, 11:40:41 AM
Why do Jewish women prefer Jewish men?
Because they like the 10% off.

What is more gross than a barrel full of dead babies?
A live one on the bottom eating his way up.

Hickory dickory dock
a mouse ran up my sock
it bit me tit
and made me shit
Jesus Christ almighty

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco stains down both sides of the pickup truck.

How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is having her period?
Her husband's dick tastes different.

I'm done.....
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 23, 2012, 02:02:32 PM
^^^^^Thanks be to the lord. So to speak.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 23, 2012, 06:37:38 PM
On an unrelated Charlie Brown note...

http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/o-great-pumpkin.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGTNj2BEaaM
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: shnozzola on May 23, 2012, 07:14:08 PM
The Amish are "Non-violent" people!

BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
 

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a bus load of trespassers, who had broken down his fence and were praying in his pasture. Then they started drinking from his pond, using their hand as a cup.

The Amish Farmer shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser,
die kuhd die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "We’re Muslims, you idiot. I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: 

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: stuffin on May 23, 2012, 08:20:28 PM
OK, one more...


Depressed?

Over five thousand  years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,  (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,  "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land."

Today, Congress has  stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged  the Promised Land!

I was so depressed  last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs,  savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc.... I called a Suicide  Hotline.

I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Folks, we're  screwed.....
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jeremy0 on May 24, 2012, 01:35:42 AM
Folks, we're  screwed.....
Only if the commoners as a group say 'we're screwed.'  We're not helicly bound to an axis yet...

Ooops - i have to participate...

Bar pick-up lines:  Are you from Tennessee?  Because you're the only ten I see...

Reversal:  Yup, we're fucked..
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 24, 2012, 03:34:45 AM
Quote
I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Hmm, so that's how they recruit them eh?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 24, 2012, 05:15:29 AM
Looks like Google has it in for us English people.  :-\

[edit]
I should probably account for people who don't like bad language or heaven forbid browse this forum with kids present, I've removed the image. Just Google 'English Person' if you don't give a crap.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: eye over you on May 27, 2012, 12:42:22 AM

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 28, 2012, 11:01:31 PM

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper.  :?
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 29, 2012, 03:59:26 AM
You need to prove you're 18 or older before that joke can be explained.  It has to do with female anatomy.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 29, 2012, 04:25:51 AM
I just got it.

Drag on lips.

Because they have no legs they will...well I'm sure you get the idea.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 29, 2012, 08:09:44 AM
ewwww
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: eye over you on May 29, 2012, 10:15:15 AM

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper.  :?

     I heard it at the bar that day and when I got home it was the most "awful" joke I remembered. The next day, I wondered if it might come across as racist/ offensive. I'll make a note not to post after drinking.  :-[   My apologies.
     
     Seppuku nailed it.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on May 29, 2012, 04:47:29 PM
Of course it was racist and offensive, as well as kinda funny in that "gross, I can't believe I smiled at that" way. That's qualifies it for the awful part of the awful jokes thread. Next time, how about the joke part? :P

Actually it was not that bad. Of all the legless Chinese lady jokes I have heard, that is by far the best.  :D
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 29, 2012, 05:11:52 PM
If we're permitting racist jokes, I've heard a few...

I kid, they're not even that funny.


On the note of offensiveness, Jimmy Carr cycled some through some of the most offensive jokes he could think of to purposely try and offend his audience. There is a punchline to all of it as well (and he makes a fair point)

There's a good chance this will offend somebody (there's even a couple I'm offended by). ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SagayzX2T7Y
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 29, 2012, 05:52:15 PM
Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

It's not like he did the 'raining men' or 'new yorkers are the fastest readers; 110 stories flat' 9/11 jokes.  There are hundreds of real stinkers.

And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

When I was in the USAF, and the Challenger exploded, the sick jokes began before any of the debris hit the ground. 

What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?  Blue: One blew this way, one blew that way.

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: kin hell on May 29, 2012, 09:14:11 PM
Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

It's not like he did the 'raining men' or 'new yorkers are the fastest readers; 110 stories flat' 9/11 jokes.  There are hundreds of real stinkers.

And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

When I was in the USAF, and the Challenger exploded, the sick jokes began before any of the debris hit the ground. 

What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?  Blue: One blew this way, one blew that way.

Yes mate I heard, here in Oz,
"what do the letters NASA stand for?"
"need another seven astronauts"

...in less than an hour of the event being reported.

It's what the adjective "quickwitted" was coined for. ;)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 30, 2012, 01:57:18 AM
And what about...

Winning an argument on the internet is like winning the Special Olympics…
At the end of the day, you're still retarded.


Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 30, 2012, 02:03:07 AM
Oh, and if you have several hours to kill...
http://27bslash6.com/
http://dontevenreply.com/top.php
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 30, 2012, 02:40:51 AM
Quote
Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

I think as he pointed out, it's entirely subjective. I find jokes about things like Alzheimer's offensive just because a relative suffered from it and it's a horrible condition and as a result I find it hard to see the funny side, but all that means is I tend not to laugh, but have no issue with others doing. I'd be a hypocrite otherwise.

Quote
And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

I dunno if that audience wouldda found Jesus more offensive. I think in the UK it's easier to offend people by taking the piss out of Mohammad than Jesus. People can be good at being offended for other people too. Example case: Jimmy Carr making a joke about people losing limbs in the war[1], whilst it did offend some amputees (and made others laugh), I think the people who spoke out the most were actually not amputees. I guess he at least did Mohammad is an imaginary friend.

[edit]
Came across this one:
(http://www.damnlol.com/i/068a20b0e8bf101b41289c0e34054c47.jpg)



Quote
http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.
 1. Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: pingnak on May 30, 2012, 05:26:43 PM
All in all, it's pretty hard to offend me.  I've long since given up being 'offended' on other people's behalf, and that's probably over 90% of the 'politically correct' offense taken.  I think 'offense' is learned, or more accurately, contagious.  People witness a strong social reaction, and it sinks right into their subconscious, and they don't even remember the event, but they remember on a 'gut' level, 'Be Offended IF...'.

But being slow to pick up and internalize such social cues myself, I am a bit more immune to these contagions than most... normally functioning people.  I can look at them from the outside in.  Since most of my 'social' behavior is emulated, rather than natural, it's probably easier for me to cull stupid, emotional 'reactions' to things.

I believe the evolution of what is 'offensive' operates on misunderstanding the cues that caused social outrage, then passing on the new, modified 'outrage' triggers.


There are evolved social 'qualifications' for telling a joke...

It helps if you're obviously disabled, if you're going to make jokes about being disabled.

If you're black, you can apparently say 'nigger' all you like.  Obviously a white guy can't, unless he's got a hood and/or swastika on him.

If you're jewish, you can tell 'antisemetic' and even 'holocaust' jokes.  Basically, same as above, if you're not.

If you're asian, you can joke about all your family looking alike.  In some cases, if you're not Asian (especially black, for some reason), and you can't tell a Japanese from a Korean from Chinese (and various groups within China) at a glance, look the fuck out.

Folks from different places in South America get all kinds of tweaked if you misidentify them as Mexican.  And naturalized hispanics tend to hate the various flavors of 'illegals' (legal or not), mostly for the stigma and backlash that they get from the mess.


Basically, the 'offense' in some of these cases kind of spits in the eye of the 'I have a dream' speech.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

Which is a perfectly good response if someone gets all butt-hurt that you thought they were 'Japanese', 'cuz nobody passed on the memo to you to call every Asian 'Asian', just to be safe.

Remember the fun when some people claimed Obama wasn't 'black'?
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/81955/february-08-2007/debra-dickerson
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 30, 2012, 06:16:03 PM
Generally I take the opinion that the world would be a much better place if we learned to laugh at ourselves. It might be harder when you've actually got bad/emotional experiences surrounding the joke, but you take it on the cheek and accept that it's funny. To be honest, I quite like offensive jokes because they kinda help us push our boundries of free speech and no only that, but often or not offensive jokes tend not to actually be hateful. Sure they may be distasteful, but I think the Jimmy Carr situation is probably a perfect example: man visits & supports people who have lost limbs in the war, then makes offensive joke about them. Cheap laughs? Not given a crap about amputees? Obviously he does give a crap. It's just his act and it makes his fans happy and is not in the slightest bit hateful or degrading to the people in question. Unfortunately, some who are offended take it as being vile and hateful. I actually see it as being the opposite, having fun with each other, even if it's at each other's expense...like friends & family do really.

Also, I quite like this show in the UK, Mongrels. Can be pretty funny, adult humour and sometimes dark.

But they answer the age old question of 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPIpdYl-98U
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Gnu Ordure on May 30, 2012, 06:31:33 PM
Quote
http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.
Funny. Did you see this one (http://dontevenreply.com/index.php), Sepp?

Quote
"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

Spooky.  ;)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on May 30, 2012, 06:38:43 PM
lol, no I didn't, but that one's funny too.  ;D

Yes, I realise I've picked a fairly gruesome username.  :P
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: RNS on May 31, 2012, 09:09:30 AM
Quote
http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.
Funny. Did you see this one (http://dontevenreply.com/index.php), Sepp?

have you seen this guy? same concept, but i believe it's executed better.

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

EDIT: haha this one is frikin hilarious! http://www.27bslash6.com/chat.html
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Poseidon on June 02, 2012, 12:18:57 AM
Seppuku; I see that you have read The Book Of Five Rings. Neither the book nor Musashi were joking.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on June 02, 2012, 05:31:29 AM
Certainly have, it was definitely a great read. Obviously I don't live by the Samurai philosophy, but I thought he had some nice sentiments, hence my signature. I've not read it for a few years, so I might pick it up again to refresh myself.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: magicmiles on June 21, 2012, 01:03:31 AM
A Proctologist walks down the hospital corridor reading a chart. He reaches behind his ear and pulls out an anal thermometer.

"hey" he exclaims 'some bum's stolen my pen!"

Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Samothec on June 21, 2012, 02:29:41 AM
Higlight the answer to read it.

What is easier to unload - a truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of dead babies?
A truck full of dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off on the ice.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on your doorstep?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in your pool?
Bob

Another version of this was told earlier but this is the one I learned & it is obviously better told verbally:
What is long and hard and full of se(a)men?
No, a submarine.

What is black, white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a pitchfork in her head.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: screwtape on June 21, 2012, 07:17:06 AM
What is black, white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a pitchfork in her head.

I once told a version of this to a nun
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: nogodsforme on June 25, 2012, 03:39:54 PM
This thread just gets better and better.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Samothec on June 25, 2012, 04:09:02 PM
Finally remembered the other dead baby joke I knew (someone else already told the others)

Higlight the answer to read it.

What is worse than a truck full of dead babies?
A truck full of dead babies with a live one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: none on June 25, 2012, 05:43:01 PM
definitely NSWF or most human beings....:
boy asks dad...
what is a cunt?

Father:
takes out a playboy magazine, opens the centerfold,  circles the woman's twat,  and said son this is a pussy and from that you can build a healthy loving relationship.... everything outside is a cunt, don't even try son
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Rustybeatz on June 25, 2012, 09:47:59 PM
I had to start telling bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Mooby on June 25, 2012, 11:28:09 PM
How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Seppuku on June 26, 2012, 02:25:33 AM
Not an awful joke, but worth posting any way. :)

(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/epic-fail-photos-school-of-fail-its-only-fair2.jpg)
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: hickdive on June 26, 2012, 07:26:53 AM
Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

 Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

 When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

 "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around..."
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: hickdive on June 26, 2012, 07:30:23 AM
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?

Warren.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

What do you call a man wearing brown paper trousers?

Russell.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on June 26, 2012, 09:11:31 AM
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren.


'Atheism is a non-prophet organization.'
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: EV on June 26, 2012, 09:19:28 AM
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: Fiji on June 26, 2012, 09:29:06 AM
Why did the fungus marry the alga?
Cause he had taken a lichen.
Title: Re: Awful Jokes Thread
Post by: jeremy0 on June 28, 2012, 11:39:54 PM
If I were to do a reddit, this probably holds true for a lot of people sometimes..

-I come home from work.  Aaah, internet, all night.
-Shit, I have to go to sleep
-7:00 AM - ah, I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  7:30 Am.  I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  8:00 Am.  I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  8:30 Am.  I don't have to leave until... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!  What have I done??!?!!?!?

Or even worse, I've had times where I think I've programmed my alarm clock to do something stupid...