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kaziglu bey



    Posts: 772
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maybe he was just hung...

Then why didn't he have more women trying to get in his robe?

LOL! I'm going to take this silly premise and run with it (that's how religion works anyways, so what the hell?). Let's see what happens.

There was a man named Judas. He lived in the time of the man called Jesus Christ, and traveled in his company. Judas was in fact a very well endowed individual in the penile region. He becomes attracted to the prostitute that follows Jesus around too.  Judas has some spare money, so he has intercourse with Mary Magdalene (she is a prostitute after all, and knows a good ride when she sees one) and Judas ends up falling in love with her.

But MM is more impressed with Jesus, who, because of his alleged divine powers, is "necessarily" awesome in the sack. This makes Judas jealous. MM continues to follow Jesus around, even washing his feet, so slavish is her devotion. Judas gets really tired of seeing his buddy with his concubine, and decides to get back at him by turning him into the Roman authorities.

Jesus, who is still basically a decent guy, feels bad, and realizes his error in snubbing his buddy. He also remembers saying that one of his disciples would betray him and realizes maybe Judas saw this as license to betray him out of spite, in order to fulfill Jesus' words. Jesus, being Jesus, forgives Judas, and admits that he was wrong for boinking his woman, and should have anticipated Judas jealousy and anger.

Judas then watches as Jesus is led away. Judas knows what is coming for JC. He knows that he will be executed using the painful method of crucifixion, all because Judas turned him in. Judas realizes that his vengeance was overkill, and curses himself for his lack of emotional control. He knows that the wheels of death are turning towards JC, and nothing can stop them now. All he has to show for it is a sack of money. Meanwhile, Mary Magdalene is disgusted with Judas and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Judas has now guaranteed that his love will never be fulfilled.

Judas, overcome with grief and shame at having turned his buddy in to be killed, and filled with sorrow for losing his true love forever, realizes that he has totally screwed up everything he loves. He is filled with despair and self loathing.

Then once he cools down a bit he starts thinking: what was Jesus doing having sex with a prostitute? Why would Jesus admit that he was wrong, if he was truly divine? How was he not able to anticipate my reaction? Thinking about this brings up other memories. How can God be love, if Jesus said that the way to God was to hate everyone? Judas thinks back to a lot of the things Jesus said, and sees that there are lots of things that contradict each other. Judas also wonders why Jesus is Ok with slavery and misogyny.

Judas begins to realize that he has been scammed. This Jesus guy wasn't the son of God, or of any god. He sees that Jesus was a con artist. He was just duping people to get a bunch of groupies. What's worse, it worked. There are already a small but dedicated group of individuals committed to spreading this lie. Filled with anger, Judas begins drinking to try to block out all of this insanity. He drinks until he falls asleep. Judas has a dream of the future legions of Jesus followers, and the rabid violence that they bring to all of the world. He sees whole civilizations cut down, man woman and child, in order to spread the "love" of Jesus. He sees cultures destroyed in order to bring Jesus' "salvation". He sees gays and black people being dragged behind trucks in Alabama while their still living bodies are battered and torn apart, all because such "people" are an offense to Jesus. He sees JC being resurrected, nearly 2000 years later, as some guy named "Bernie Madoff", whoever that is. This Bernie Madoff convinces people of false claims in order to take serious advantage of them.

Judas then wakes up, and realizes that this Bernie Madoff character in his dream is a lot like Jesus. Judas is thoroughly disgusted with Jesus, himself, the Apostles, Mary Magdalene, and the future of the world, all because his jealous actions led Jesus' silly prophecies to be fulfilled, strengthening the faith of those who believe, and setting the ground work for a religion that is a lie and will bring great evil to the world. Filled with self loathing and despair, Judas kills himself after going to an unmovable mountain by handling venomous snakes after drinking a vial of poison (as a final "Kiss my ass" to Jesus).

All because Judas was hung like the donkey that Jesus rode into Jerusalem.

The Gospel, according to Kaz.

(Note to theists: This contains as much truth(and speculation) as any of the Gospels, and is just as verifiable and reliable of a source regarding Jesus' life as Matthew, Mark, John or Luke, or any of Paul's old mail. It is also no more offensive than the Bible, which would have us believe things that are just as imagination based and full of violence and rape (and foreskins) as this is. Actually, my Gospel doesn't even contain rape or foreskins, so it is arguably LESS offensive than the Bible.)
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