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I used to play this game:

well, I didn't get this job that I applied for, and you know what?  It would have interfered with that job I applied for, which is really a better job, so I guess I am meant to get the better job.

I really believed that.  Everyone in my business is very "it wasn't meant to be" about being rejected, (and landing a great job only lasts a few months, tops) so you are perpetually looking for work.

but GUESS WHAT?  usually I didn't book either job. 

But I was buying into the whole "grand plan for your life" BS that Deepok and Oprah love to spout.

at 52 I have finally accepted that there is no "grand plan" for my life, only chaos, random fate, and whatever I myself make of it.

but honestly, I put off having children because I thought that "plan for my life" which I had prepared for was gonna kick in any minute and take off, bringing me fortune and a dream job which would interfere with motherhood.  All that positive energy was gonna bring Gawds great plan down on me - just keep putting it  out there!!!

in my early 30s I did turn very outwardly cynical about it, yet in my secret inner dialogue I still thought something great and powerful was gonna happen to me, even tho logically I realized I was aging out of any such opportunity.

I mean, middle aged women still catch a big break sometimes, don't they? after all - that must be the PLAN.

Zero.  zippo.  nada.

and now, I am no longer middle aged. 

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kin hell at 52 I have finally accepted that there is no "grand plan" October 02, 2011, 10:33:09 AM