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screwtape

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Let's get this out of the way up front - I'm not calling your decision the pussy route.  I don't think it is.  You're new to atheism and still figuring it out.  Delaying can be a reasonable and valid strategy.  But usually it is just procrastination of one sort or another.

Second, I do see your situation as different than CGA's.  In a lot of ways I think your situation is harder. But I also think there are some very fundamental similarities. 

There are two basic reasons why I bother to hassle people on this forum about being out.  The first is for the interest of all atheists.  We are parriahs, like homosexuals in the 1960s.  Except we are even more hated and mistrusted.  One of the things the gays figured out was that when people realized there were gays in their lives they cared about, it changed how they perceived all gays.  That applies to us too.  So on a grand scale and in general, I think it is important for atheists to be out because it can help change attitudes about us for the better.

Second is for your benefit.  A lot of people who lose their belief in god think it will be easier if they just continue on like nothing changed.  But something did change.  And being dishonest about it is not the answer.  I think from a practical stand point, being dishonest makes it worse for you and for the people who care about you.  So what I urge is not that you come out, necessarily, but that you have a plan.

It is more important for you to figure this out and have a plan than it was for CGA because in a lot of ways your situation more closely resembles infidelity. 

I'm not saying you are cheating on your wife.  I don't think you are.  But you are hiding a significant part of who you are from her and for her it will feel like you were cheating when she figures it out.  And I am pretty sure she will figure it out eventually.  Probably sooner than you expect. 

So the plan cannot be just to play theist indefinitely.  For the short term, that may be fine.  But assume she will notice subtle changes and put it together within a month or two.  She may not.  But assume you are living on borrowed time anyway.  Use that time to make a plan.  It will be better if you come to her in openness and honesty looking for compassion than it will if she has to put it together like a detective, confront you and pry out the truth. 

I like to think that loved ones will still love us once they know the real us.  But I'm not naive.  I have no idea how she will respond and you should know better I.  You should include in your plan a scenario for splitting up.  That is a possibility whether you tell her or she figures it out. 


And gtfo of Oklahoma.  They are goddamn savages there, man.  I've known Hindus more civilized.

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kin hell have a plan ......the best advice June 04, 2013, 08:22:37 PM