Question to men: How did you learn about vulvas?

[God indeed is imaginary]

DISCLAIMER: As you'll notice, I'm not posting this thread in a joking/trolling manner. I am completely serious, and so is the issue this thread discusses. Please try to be helpful and kind, instead of offending or disrespectful to me. It will be greatly appreciated.



I am a 19-years-old man from Bulgaria. I label myself as antisexual asexual. To me sex is something bad and I believe people should have sex only for procreation, not for recreation.

So here is my problem. I learned about the existence of vulvas when I was 12. IMO this is way to late - I believe my mother shouldn't have lied to me about vaginas when I was a little kid. Because of this huge lie I now have kolpophobia - a severe fear of the female genitals. Some people would call this fear 'irrational' but in my case I believe it's absolutely rational given what happened to me as a kid.

So my question is: How/when did you learn about vulvas? What do you think is the appropriate way/age at which little boys should learn about these organs? Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine?

If you want to learn more details about my issue, you may read the following text. It's a message that I sent to a friend of mine through Skype a few months ago. It explains in bigger detail what happened to me as a kid and teenager. Since me and my friend are both Bulgarians, I wrote the message in Bulgarian, but I translated it in English so you can learn more about my issue. Since English is not my primary language, I hope you'll excuse my cheesy English.

Hello.

I decided to tell you what my mother’s parental guilt is. I want to apologize for the length of the whole story, but I want to tell you everything in detail in order to understand me. I also want to apologize that you will become a witness of this ugly information. I don’t want to make you go read all this, but you're one of the very few people who would understand me. I want to tell you about the emotional torture my own mother has caused to me.

I told you that this issue has something to do with female sexual organs. Now I will explain everything to you in detail.

You are a mother yourself. I am sure that your kids love you and are very grateful for everything you did for them. To me, however, there are almost no reasons to love my mother – actually, I will never forgive what she caused to me. And since you are a mother, I’ll ask you something. When your son first asked you the question: "Mom, where do women pee from?”(this probably happened when he was about 2 or 3 years old), you probably answered his question correctly. You explained to him (albeit probably not in excessive detail) about the structure and basic functions of the female genitals. My mother, however, did not tell me the truth. Here goes the story.

When I started being able to say complex sentences, one of the many things that I asked my mother, was: "Mom, do women have wee-wees? Why do women pee sitting? What do women have between their legs?" The first time I asked her these questions was when I was about 2 or 3 years old. She answered: "No, women do not have wee-wees.” Then I asked her a logical question: "Then how do they pee?” Here’s the problem – she started lying to me. She started saying that girls pee through the asshole. I, of course, believed her – I couldn’t believe that my own mother would lie to me. Then I started wondering: “When women have to take a shit and take a pee at the same time, don’t they feel as if they have diarrhea?”

Then I asked my mother: "What do girls have instead of a penis?” Then she, smiling dirtily, said: "Women do not have anything between their legs." These answers of my innocent questions made me believe that women looked like this: http://www.cinefabil.com/forum/files/femeia_fara_sex_165.jpg

Whole my childhood passed in the delusion that women don’t have anything between their legs. When I became 12 years old, I began to wonder why in all the movies I watched babies were going out from the area between the legs of the pregnant woman. Until then, I thought babies went out through the navel (that’s what my mother was telling me and I believed her). Furthermore, I was wondering what’s the purpose of tampons that all women (including my own mother) used – I asked myself: "Why do my mom and other women put these things somewhere between their legs? There is nothing between women’s legs, right?" As you might guess, I still hadn’t known the meaning of the word "menstruation" back then. Until then I believed that women were getting pregnant through osculation.

I believed that women had nothing between their legs until I got 12 years old. Then I began to accumulate more and more doubts. One day a thought occurred to me that initially seemed crazy to me: "What if women HAVE something between their legs? But it is not possible, my mother wouldn’t have lied to me about such a thing." More and more evidences started to come to me. Soon after that, I was already convinced - women actually HAVE holes between their legs! Until then I knew the word "cunt" meant the area of the female body, located between the legs. I always wondered what was so interesting about this area and why some people have said phrases like: "Your mother’s cunt!” I was wondering as to what exactly did the word "fuck" mean – until then I thought it meant "when the man ejaculates in front of a woman.” After revealing the secret, I began to understand why men refer to this area and think about it constantly - because there is a hole in there in where they thrust their penises!

Weeks after revealing the truth, I could not focus on anything. I had been being mocked by  my own mother! I could not eat, I could not sleep, I couldn’t live normally...

Over the next 6 years (till I got 18) I was trying to get used to the truth. But that never happened. When I masturbated, I focused only on the breasts and the faces of women. Every time I tried to look at pictures of vaginas, I wanted to die - I was so scared by vaginas... Many times I was wondering if I was gay, and every time I realized that unfortunately I was not. I was growing up with the conviction that I was sent on this earth to live an unhappy life.

Couple of months ago I told my mom about all that vagina stuff. I was crying and asked her “Why did you do all that to me? Why did you ruin my life?” She replied: "I wanted to keep you away from the thing called sex." Oh my God, my mom is the most fucking retarded person in the world! She has been thinking that if she had told me that women had vulvas, I would have become a 3-year-old rapist! Then I asked her: "Do you realize that you are the only mother stupid enough to lie like that to her own child?" I told her: "Since I am not heterosexual nor homosexual, I only identify myself as asexual." She is a really stupid person, so she said: "But I want grandchildren!" I had to explain 100 times to her that "asexual" means a person who does not have sex for pleasure, but does not mean "someone who doesn’t want to have children." She still doesn’t understand the difference - she calls me “gay” whole the time! I told her: "I'm asexual because of YOUR mistake! You ruined my life and I will never be normal!" She replied impudently: "Admit you're gay! I hate you! I wish I never gave a birth to you!" How do I explain to that homophobe that I am not gay? She is actually proud of what she has done to me! She ruined my life! Then she said: "I told you that women had nothing between their legs, because I wanted to save you from the bad thing called sex!” Oh my God, she is such a hypocrite – she has sex herself and then she tells sex is a bad thing!

At least none of my two friends found out that I didn’t know what a “cunt” was till I was 12 years old. I would have killed myself if they had found out...

Do you understand what the main problem is? Let me explain. After a baby gets born, it starts to create an idea about what the world around it is like. One of the things that every baby MUST learn while it’s still a little kid is the names of the human organs and their main functions. I was able to learn about my own gender’s body by examining my own organs. But how was I supposed to find out that women had vaginas? My mother should have explained that to me! As you know, I am a very smart man. But how could I have known that women had vaginas, labias, clits, etc.? Instead of learning about vulvas the normal way, I had to learn about them myself - it took me WHOLE 12 years to find out the truth about female genitals...

Since I was about 5 years old I know that sex is something a man and a woman do because they like it and they feel close and intimate when they do it. I started to masturbate when I was 9 (of course, initially I had no sperm – I started having semen when I was 13 years old). So, I started developing sex-wise since I was a little kid. I’ve been masturbating for whole 3 years without knowing what women have been having between their legs. This delay in my sexual development was disastrous - if I have been knowing since I’ve been a baby about the presence of vaginas, I would have started to feel attraction to vaginas. But since I learned about them too late – when I was 12, I am not attracted to them, actually every time I look at an image of a vagina, I have the feeling I’m going to puke. Due to the fact that I learned about vaginas way too late, I am subconsciously drawn to penises. I hope that what I will say now will not make you hate me – I admit that one of my sexual fantasies lately is about a woman who has a penis instead of a vagina. Please, I don’t want you to hate me because of my strange fantasy - it is only and exclusively to blame my mother, not me!

Due to my lack of knowledge about the female body, I feel an extraordinary fear to women - in fact, I am afraid of half (!!!) the world! I can be hardly a friend with a woman. Not to mention that I feel different from all other men - they like vaginas, but I am extremely afraid of these organs. It makes me feel insane, ununderstood, strange and as the only person of my kind on this planet - I can not get support from anyone...

And yes, the mistake which my mother has done is HUGE and irreparable. Unless somehow I find a time machine and use it to get 16 years back... And the worst thing is that I became an innocent victim of her stupidity and stubbornness. She and only she is to blame for the unhappy creature she turned me in...

That’s the guilt of my mother. Due to her mistake I became unstable, almost mad man persecuted by his irrational fears and horrors, which no other human feels. For several months now I often shake myself on the ground, fallen into despair, sadness and pain, wondering what the purpose of my life is. I feel like a mistake of the nature. I can not find any solace in anything. I feel torn by fear and powerlessness.

I want to die...

[Ethelred]

Dude, you need to get some professional help!!!  This forum is not the place to get that.  Go and see your Doctor and get referred to people who can actually make a difference to the way you feel.

I hope others who have read what you have said in this thread and your other thread agree with me.

[God indeed is imaginary]

Dude, you need to get some professional help!!!  This forum is not the place to get that.  Go and see your Doctor and get referred to people who can actually make a difference to the way you feel.

I hope others who have read what you have said in this thread and your other thread agree with me.

I know. I am a victim of my mother's stupidity and irresponsibility.

I may sound stubborn, but I seriously believe NOTHING can help me. Not even the best sexologist or psychologist.

I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist or anything like that, but I know some things about psychology and human mentality. In order for people to perceive human bodies as something normal, they must learn the basics about them while they are still toddlers. But I learned at 12, not at 3 when I should have. I believe my problem is practically unsolvable. At least I can share my pain with people online. That's not gonna solve my problem, but at least I feel less like sh*t.

Thanks for your understanding.

[alihaymeg]

Having read a few of your other posts, it seems obvious that you have at least a basic understanding of what has caused you to feel as you do. This kind of communication (a forum) is not conducive to promoting positive change. Being in possession of a psychology degree will not help me to lead you toward healthier ways of thinking. You must first decide that you are capable of change and then decide to put forth the effort that will ultimately lead you to success. You seem to be transferring a lot of your negative emotions onto those that respond to your posts. Transference is not always a negative, and it can be the very vehicle that allows you to confront and eventually deal with those emotions.

First of all, have you seen a physician to search for a physical cause for your lack of libido? It is a delicate balance of chemicals interacting that causes a person to become aroused. It doesn't take much to upset that balance.

 

[God indeed is imaginary]

First of all, have you seen a physician to search for a physical cause for your lack of libido? It is a delicate balance of chemicals interacting that causes a person to become aroused. It doesn't take much to upset that balance.

I actually HAVE libido. I masturbate almost every day since I was 9. I have medium-to-high sex drive.

I identified myself as straight till 2008. That's when I realized that just because I masturbate while looking at breasts doesn't make me heterosexual. I mean, heterosexual men are attracted to vaginas, but I'm not.

TMI following: I have sex drive, but I lack sexual desire. I.e. I GET horny very often, and when that happens (which is almost every day) I feel the need to masturbate. When I'm horny, I almost become heterosexual. I mean, during the plateau stage and the orgasm stage I actually ENJOY looking at or fantasizing about vaginas. But as long as I ejaculate, I 'become' asexual again, lose my sexual desire, and tell to myself: "Why the hell did I do that? I'll never masturbate again, EVER!"

So my problem is not inefficient amount of sex-inducing hormones and chemicals. I actually have the exactly opposite problem - I have way too much hormones which FORCE me to practice sexual activities (i.e. masturbation). That's why I'm planning to start taking some sort of medications, herbs, or something else which will reduce my sex drive as much as possible.

So, no, my problem is not physical - it is mental instead. Though to me it's not exactly a problem - it's not something I can solve. I'll probably spend the rest of my life as a virgin afraid of vaginas. There's nothing I can do about it. 

[alihaymeg]

You actually sound pretty normal to me. I have always lost the desire immediately after ejaculation. In fact, I usually want to get away from the person as quickly as possible. I think you are right to be scared of vaginas. They scare the shit out of me too, but not nearly as much as the females attached to them.

The reason for your fear is obviously real to you. I think you could deal with it if you ever chose too. As long as it does not affect your ability to live a normally functioning life, don't worry about it. I suspect that it is though.

See someone when you are ready. Not just anyone though. Find the right counselor for you. They are all different.

[Ethelred]

GET HELP

[God indeed is imaginary]

GET HELP

I CANNOT BE HELPED
(I know I sound like a crybaby, but I've tried many times to stop being afraid of vaginas but I just can't.)

[Gnu Ordure]

GIII:

I've tried many times to stop being afraid of vaginas but I just can't.

and:

When I'm horny, I almost become heterosexual. I mean, during the plateau stage and the orgasm stage I actually ENJOY looking at or fantasizing about vaginas

See the contradiction, GIII?

There is your problem. You appear to have a normal sex drive, and you appear to be attracted to the opposite sex (you think about and enjoy looking at women when you masturbate). And like many sexually inexperienced young people, you feel a certain amount of anxiety at the thought of having sex itself.

So far, so normal. This is how typical heterosexuals think and behave.

However, what is not normal is that mixed in with your sexual feelings are unhealthy amounts of shame and disgust.

You appear to be unwilling to face up to this, so you have redefined the problem in two ways; first, by denying your sexual feelings and classifying yourself as asexual; second, by labelling yourself as untreatably phobic because of your upbringing and education. As long as you maintain those beliefs, you can avoid tackling the real issues.

And neither of those redefinitions are true. You appear to be heterosexual, not asexual; and all phobias can be treated.

I know I sound like a crybaby

And it's pretty obvious that you're frightened, GIII. I sympathise. But you've got to understand that many many people have been in your situation, and many have been helped by psychotherapy. You don't have to live with all this emotional distress.

And you know you want help, GIII; why else are you bringing your personal problems to a Forum?

But you're looking in the wrong place; you should be talking to a professional therapist, not to us.

I wish you well.

Gnu.

[God indeed is imaginary]

You appear to have a normal sex drive

Yes, but to me my sex drive is a problem. I wish I had no libido.

As we both know, sexual arousal is achieved when both of the following factors are met:

1. There must be enough hormones and chemicals in the body which are responsible for the arousal.
2. When that happens, certain parts of the brain become active. Also, the natural instincts which make men enjoy vaginas activate the arousal.

That's why no matter how much testosterone you treat a little boy with, he will not feel a genuine arousal, because he lacks these natural instincts.

(Feel free to correct me if you think this is not true.)

My body seems to have both the chemicals AND the natural instincts. My instincts, however, work only under the influence of the chemicals. I mean, true heterosexual men become sexually aroused whenever they see or think about vaginas. But that's not the case with me - I find vaginas appealing only when I'm nearing orgasm when I masturbate. During the rest of the time, I have severe dislike of vaginas.

and you appear to be attracted to the opposite sex (you think about and enjoy looking at women when you masturbate).

I am romantically and esthetically attracted to women. I like the structure of the female body and find women esthetically pleasing. I love the silhouette, the curves and overall the way pretty female bodies look. I like everything in the female body except the vulva. Also, I am NOT genuinely sexually attracted to women (or to anyone else for that matter). That’s why I label myself as asexual.

And like many sexually inexperienced young people, you feel a certain amount of anxiety at the thought of having sex itself…. However, what is not normal is that mixed in with your sexual feelings are unhealthy amounts of shame and disgust.

Shame – no. I used to be very shy as a child. Recently however I am less and less shy and conservative. The more I learn about how the world ‘works’, the less I obey the universal rules the western society (which my country is part of) follows. Some people would even call me radical. I don’t precisely follow the universal understandings of what is right and what’s wrong. So, no, I don’t feel any shame whatsoever. The fact that my testicles release testosterone is not something I feel guilt or shame about.

Disgust – yes. To me pretty much everything related to sex is repulsive – vaginas, semen, natural lubricant, etc. The only things that I don’t find that disgusting are penises and to a lesser degree breasts.

Neither of these redefinitions are true. You appear to be heterosexual, not asexual; and all phobias can be treated.

You don’t know me better than I know myself. I am asexual. I think you are jumping on conclusions – just because I masturbate looking at women doesn’t mean I am heterosexual.

I actually feel sexual arousal not only to women. I find penises quite sexually attractive. I even like some types of intersexed people (you can learn more about that here).

By your logic I am pansexual. But truth is that due to many reasons I am antisexual asexual.

I understand what you mean. Maybe you think that I am gay who is afraid to accept that. If I was homosexual I wouldn’t have had any problems with that. But I am asexual. I don’t want to have sex with women. I don’t want to have sex with men either. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. That’s why I’m asexual.

But you've got to understand that many many people have been in your situation, and they have been helped by psychotherapy.

I understand that I’m not the only one who this happened to. But I doubt there are THAT many people.

I don’t mind trying psychotherapy, but I don’t have big hopes it’ll help me.

You don't have to live with all this emotional distress.

Yes, my kolpophobia is a big problem indeed. It doesn’t affect my sex life (since I don’t have one ), but it affects my everyday life. I have problems interacting with women. I am biromantic (I usually fall in love with women, but I can feel love to men too). While I generally wouldn’t want to have sex with a woman I love, I’d like to show her my physical affection to her. Problem is, hugging, cuddling and other intimate non-sexual contacts require me being close to the vagina of the woman. And I don’t want to do that.

And you know you want help, GIII; why else are you bringing your personal problems to a Forum?

I’ve brought my problem on several places on the internet. Not because I need an advice (I get the same advice every time – “You must seek professional help.”) but because I want to find people who have gone through the same thing. So far I found only 1 person, though.

I wish you well.

Well, what will make me feel good right now is to make my mother die in a very slow and painful way. I doubt that’s what you mean, though.

But thank you anyway.

[MadBunny]

BM. 

I have an opinion, but can't elaborate while I'm at work.

[Gnu Ordure]

Hi GIII,

Listen, I don't want to get into an in-depth discussion of your sexuality. I wanted to point out that help is available to you if you want it. Your problems are not unique; many children receive inadequate sex education from their parents - the vast majority of them suffer no damage as a result, and any damage can be be treated. The stories that your mother told you are unexceptional. The fact that you didn't discover the details of female anatomy until you were twelve is unexceptional. It certainly doesn't explain the feelings of disgust that currently trouble you.

It's not a question of whether you "need" professional help - it's whether you want it. Do you want to carry on as you are? ie:

1. You've said that sex is evil, and that you hate sexual people. So right at the beginning of your journey through life, you've decided that you hate 98-99% of humanity. That's going to make it rather difficult to get along with people, let alone make friends with them, isn't it? And you do have trouble getting on with people, don't you, GIII? Your banning from AVEN points to that.

2. I read your post on YahooAnswers that you linked to. If you limit your pool of potential partners to women who have a penis but no testicles, you are practically guaranteeing that you will spend your life without a partner. Is that what you want? It doesn't have to be this way. It's up to you.

3. You've decided that your mother is to blame for your problems. You describe yourself as a victim of her verbal sexual abuse. So your life is ruined, you hate her and you'd like revenge on her. So, are you going to hang on to that victim status and consequent rage and hatred all your life, or are you going to try and find some way to move on, and maybe find reconciliation with her? It's up to you.

(By the way, why does your mom get all the blame? Was your father not around? If so, does he not deserve some of your hatred for not giving you the information you wanted? Just a thought).

4. You feel disgusted by human physicality. By feet, by armpits, by genitalia. You can't even hold hands with a woman because you're disgusted by her vagina. This attitude denies you the simple comfort of human touch. You condemn yourself to isolation. Is that what you want, GIII, a lifetime of loneliness and alienation? It's up to you. It's your choice.

Get the picture?

This is the future that you are writing for yourself. It doesn't seem like a nice life to me. You can change it if you want, you're young, you can re-write the script. But you can't do it on your own, you know that, you've tried and failed many times.

So, when you're ready, when you decide that you want to change, help is available.

But you have to want it, and you have to ask. It's up to you.

I wish you well.

Gnu.

PS.

GIII, here's some feedback for you to ponder. Do you realize how much you contradict yourself? One day you say X, a few days later you say Not-X. You don't seem to be aware that you're doing it. Here are some examples:

On the one hand you say:

But I am asexual. I don’t want to have sex with women. I don’t want to have sex with men either. I don’t want to have sex with anyone.

But on the other (from your yahoo post):

I, however, am not a 'true' asexual... I mean, I enjoy sex and really want to have it

On the one hand you say:

I like everything in the female body except the vulva.

But on the other :

vaginas are disgusting. And so are assholes (of both genders!), armpits (of both genders!), feet (of both genders!), crotches (of both genders!)

On the one hand you say:

Maybe you think that I am gay who is afraid to accept that. If I was homosexual I wouldn’t have had any problems with that.

But on the other :

I realized I didn't like adult women, but I was so afraid of the possibility that I could be gay that I forced myself to be attracted to prepubescent girls.

On the one hand you say:

I find penises quite sexually attractive.

But on the other :

vaginas are disgusting. And so are ...<snip>... penises (male only, of course).

Get the picture, GIII? These contradictions are the manifestations of your inner conflict.

Help is available.

[God indeed is imaginary]

It certainly doesn't explain the feelings of disgust that currently trouble you.

I believe that my lack of knowledge about vaginas is the main reason I dislike them. I would probably be afraid of them even if I knew about them since a toddler. But definitely not as much as I am now - I would've gotten used to them.

You've said that sex is evil, and that you hate sexual people. So right at the beginning of your journey through life, you've decided that you hate 98-99% of humanity.

I became a misanthrope long time before I became antisexual. 

That's going to make it rather difficult to get along with people, let alone make friends with them, isn't it? And you do have trouble getting on with people, don't you, GIII? Your banning from AVEN points to that.

The fact that some hypocritical idiots banned me from their pathetic forum means that I have problems with getting on with people?! 

That's what I call jumping on conclusions. You know almost nothing about me. Do you know for example that I am an extremely friendly and shy person? Yes, I am friendly and shy. I'm not an irate fire-spitting monster insulting people on the internet all day long.

These assholes banned me because of thread in which I asked the same thing I asked in Yahoo!Answers. Moronic hypocrites.

You've decided that your mother is to blame for your problems. You describe yourself as a victim of her verbal sexual abuse. So your life is ruined, you hate her and you'd like revenge on her. So, are you going to hang on to that victim status and consequent rage and hatred all your life, or are you going to try and find some way to move on, and maybe find reconciliation with her? It's up to you.

You remind me of a friend of mine who tells that the most important thing for her is forgiveness. I am not a person who forgives easily. Also, to me revenge is something extremely pleasurable. I know I sound like a psycho. But to me the feeling I get when I get revenge on someone is by far the best I've ever expirienced - neither orgasms, nor drugs, nor anything else can make me feel THAT good. So feeling hatred to someone is not necessarily a bad thing - it actually motivates me.

(By the way, why does your mom get all the blame? Was your father not around? If so, does he not deserve some of your hatred for not giving you the information you wanted? Just a thought).

I've never been close to my father. When I needed to say/ask something personal, I talked to my mother. I've never talked to him about anything intimate.

You feel disgusted by human physicality.

Yes, since I was a small child I felt that organic matter is disgusting and dirty. When I was a child I wanted to become a robot, because robots are so more sophisticated than humans. I've always perceived them as cool and more perfect than humans.

In the recent years however I have other dream - I wish people had only souls, no bodies.

Yes, I have somatophobia (I believe that's the right term).

GIII, here's some feedback for you to ponder. Do you realize how much you contradict yourself? One day you say X, a few days later you say Not-X. You don't seem to be aware that you're doing it.

Yes, I realize I am extremely confused. In the last couple of months I went through many, many re-labelings. I changed my sexual orientation every couple of days.

I, however, am not a 'true' asexual... I mean, I enjoy sex and really want to have it

When I wrote the Yahoo question I was in a period in which I tried to force myself to be straight (or at least polysexual).

On the one hand you say:

Maybe you think that I am gay who is afraid to accept that. If I was homosexual I wouldn’t have had any problems with that.

But on the other :

I realized I didn't like adult women, but I was so afraid of the possibility that I could be gay that I forced myself to be attracted to prepubescent girls.

Back then (mid 2008) I was still with homophobic attitudes. It wasn't until the autumn of 2008 when I actually accepted homosexuality and started thinking seriously if I was gay or not.

On the one hand you say:

I find penises quite sexually attractive.

But on the other :

vaginas are disgusting. And so are ...<snip>... penises (male only, of course).

I find dry clean penises attractive. Penises covered with semen and natural lube (as in during vaginal sex) - I find disgusting.

Get the picture, GIII? These contradictions are the manifestations of your inner conflict.

Yes, I realize I have a lot of psychological and mental problems. I also realize my mother is not responsible for all of them. And I realize kolpophobia is not the only problem I have.

[Gnu Ordure]

Hi GIII.

I'm pleased that you're listening to what I'm saying - though I'm not totally certain that you are listening. As you admit, you change your mindset almost daily.

Nevertheless, GIII, you seem to acknowledge my basic point, that you are experiencing certain problems in dealing with your past, and certain problems in dealing with the present. You just admitted:

Yes, I realize I am extremely confused... <snip> ... Yes, I realize I have a lot of psychological and mental problems. I also realize my mother is not responsible for all of them. And I realize kolpophobia is not the only problem I have.

So, you're acknowledging you have a problem, yes?

So, GIII, are you going to address the problem, or not? Are you going to fight it, or give in to it? Are you going to break free of it? Can you break free of it?

You'll never know, GIII, unless you try.

Here's an option for you. I appeciate that Mental Health services in Bulgaria may be limited. But did you know that psychotherapy is available from other countries on the telephone or by e-mail ?

A reputable organization in the UK is the BACP, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Check out their web-site, and their wiki article. Their website explains what counselling is and how it might help. It provides advice on how to choose a therapist. And you'll find any number of reputable qualified therapists willing to do therapy on the phone or in writing.

I'm sure there must be American alternatives, if you want. Ask Pinkmilk, she's an American psychologist, she'll help if she can.

In the meantime, I'd advise you to stop acting out on forums like these. For example, coming here and stating dogmatically that sex is evil, and that you hate sexual people, simply reinforces your isolation. (Sex is no more evil than eating or breathing. Most animals eat, breathe and have sex. People are animals. So people have sex. So stop making such a big deal about it. )

Best,

Gnu.

[Tealeaf]

Um yeah....I've been reading a lot of GIII....

Just....wow. And here I thought I knew strange.

Look, as I've stated before, vaginas and in essence sex itself is the reason pretty much every person is on this planet. You don't have to like it yourself. But trying to make the argument that it's 'wrong', or 'detrimental' or....somehow anything but one of the most natural and necessary urges is just....retarded.

I advise you GIII to tone down the 'disgust' towards all sexuality It's why YOU are here. You talk of hypocritical.... Yet to speak so much against the one sure reason you exist is off the charts in terms of hypocrisy.

To say that sex should only be for pro-creative purposes is also ridiculous. Sex doesn't happen in any other anima because they know it's for pro-creation. It's because the biological urge is there. And it's just as 'there' for humans since we are animals.

And by the way, I am a 19 year old male like yourself. I've never really known a fellow person of my description to be as 'messed up' as you are sounding. And I've seen some messed up shit. All I can say is relax.

Don't be so taken back by your own species' most primal and important urge.

[God indeed is imaginary]

Sex is no more evil than eating or breathing. Most animals eat, breathe and have sex. People are animals. So people have sex. So stop making such a big deal about it.

That is your opinion. To me, sex is an evil thing. Unlike eating and breathing.

Anyway thanks for trying to help me.

Just....wow. And here I thought I knew strange. ... But trying to make the argument that it's 'wrong', or 'detrimental' or....somehow anything but one of the most natural and necessary urges is just....retarded.

Yes, I am eccentric. But retarded - no.

I advise you GIII to tone down the 'disgust' towards all sexuality It's why YOU are here.

I think YOU sound retarded right now. The "without-sex-you-wouldn't-be-here-now" argument is extremely invalid. I know sex is the reason almost every person is on this planet. But do you get the difference between having sex for impregnation and having sex for pleasure? I am against the latter. So your argument fails.

And by the way, I am a 19 year old male like yourself. I've never really known a fellow person of my description to be as 'messed up' as you are sounding. And I've seen some messed up shit. All I can say is relax.

I am messed up because of my mother, the hypocritical, selfish society we live in, and the unsufficient amounts of serotonin in my brain.

Don't be so taken back by your own species' most primal and important urge.

Aren't the urges for oxygen, water and food far more primal and important?

Also, do you forget children don't have sexual urges either? Does it mean they are messed up too?

[Zankuu]

I'm going to play devil's advocate.

Something tells me you don't want to get over this. You're giving yourself a special label, anti-sexual asexual, clinging on to your victim status and playing up how different and helpless you are because it makes you feel good. There are many people out there suffering from kolpophobia, as well as many people that have overcome it. You are far from being special and alone. There are also many studies concerning asexuality. One study by Anthony Bogaert roughly shows that one in every one-hundred adults are asexual. So all this…

...I will never be normal

...the only person of my kind on this planet

...which no other human feels

I CANNOT BE HELPED

…is nonsense.

GIII, you seem to be placing all the blame on your mother, and again, stressing how you’re a victim. It may come as a surprise to you but the vast majority of children, Western and Eastern, don’t learn about sex from their parents.  They learn about it from their peers, seeing as how most parents are too embarrassed to talk about the subject. I didn’t learn about sex from my parents because of that very reason, but I didn’t turn out to be asexual. I'm curious if you shoulder any of the blame?

What bothers me the most of all your posts is not your confusion, asexuality or kolpophobia, but your seemingly strong passion geared for revenge.

Also, to me revenge is something extremely pleasurable.

But to me the feeling I get when I get revenge on someone is by far the best I've ever expirienced - neither orgasms, nor drugs, nor anything else can make me feel THAT good.

Could you go into better detail a few instances of revenge you enacted and, more specifically, how they made you feel?

To give this post a more light-hearted feel I’ll end with my new favorite asexual quote:

 “Asexuality: it's not just for amoebas anymore!"  

[God indeed is imaginary]

Something tells me you don't want to get over this. You're giving yourself a special label, anti-sexual asexual, clinging on to your victim status and playing up how different and helpless you are because it makes you feel good.

Yes, I admit that I like when people feel sorry for me. I've been a whiner and a crybaby whole my life. But it doesn't mean I'm not a victim. My mother IS the main reason I have kolpophobia. I AM a victim of her stupidity.

There are many people out there suffering from kolpophobia, as well as many people that have overcome it.

I know that the number of people with kolpophobia in the world is not that small - there are probably dozens of thousands of men who have it. But percentage-wise the number is very very small - let's say it's 0.001%. That's why I've never met anyone in real life about who I know he has kolpophobia (even on the internet I've met only couple of people).

There are also many studies concerning asexuality. One study by Anthony Bogaert roughly shows that one in every one-hundred adults are asexual.

Yes, I know that every 100th person is asexual. But there are many asexual communities, and probably 0 kolpophobic communities.

...I will never be normal

It's not nonsense. People indeed think I am not normal. The only people IRL that I've told about my kolpophobia are my mother, my sister and an adult female friend of mine. No one else would understand me. Because most Bulgarians are retarded assholes.

They learn about it from their peers, seeing as how most parents are too embarrassed to talk about the subject.

I think you are mixing up two things here - learning about opposite gender's genitals and learning about sex. My problem is not that my mother didn't tell me about sex. My problem is that she didn't tell me about vaginas and urethras.

May I ask you a question? So you learned about sex from your peers. But how did you learn about vulvas? (Don't answer if you don't want to.)

Anyway, I believe sexual education must be taught to children by their parents. If I ever have children (which I'm not planning to), that's how I'll teach them about sex. Let's say the child is a girl. By the time she is 2, I'll start showing her my penis and I'll explain her that penises are used for peeing. Also, I'll be telling her that babies come out through vaginas. (And yes, I'll use the words penis and vagina, not willie and kitty, or bits or something retarded like that.) When she's 5, I'll explain to her the basics about sex - how it is used for impregnation, and how many people use it improperly as a means of having 'fun'. You maybe think I'll be brainwashing her - well, you call it brainwashing, I call it proper parenting. By the time she is 8, I'll tell her about other forms of sex - oral, anal, etc, and also about same-sex sex. I'll still teach her that sex is a thing only bad people do for fun, though. By the same age I'll tell her also that within a few years she will start to have periods and that there is nothing dangerous about it. I'll also start explaining her about sexual arousal and how to deal with it when she starts to experience it. Yep, I'll teach her how to masturbate. I'll explain to her very carefully why and how people feel horny - I'll tll her about hormones, basic instincts, etc.

So yeah, I'd teach my kids that they must be asexual, because any other sexual orientation is bad and wrong.

I didn’t learn about sex from my parents because of that very reason, but I didn’t turn out to be asexual. I'm curious if you shoulder any of the blame?

Well, there's nothing wrong with my asexuality, so I don't think there's anyone to blame. I mean, asexuality is not a bad thing to me, so why should I blame myself? I am actually proud of myself and my choice. Kolpophobia is a problem for me indeed, but asexuality is not.

What bothers me the most of all your posts is not your confusion, asexuality or kolpophobia, but your seemingly strong passion geared for revenge. ... Could you go into better detail a few instances of revenge you enacted and, more specifically, how they made you feel?

Well, till I was about 12, me and my sister (who is 5 years older than me) used to be have argues quite often. Back then she was extremely easily irritated. When we were getting into an argument, if I started calling her bad things, she started hitting me. I usually ran away in another room and closed myself in till she calmed down. But sometimes I was so angry at her (especially when she kicked me in the balls) that I started punching her. During these few seconds of revenging, I felt really REALLY good.

Another example. Couple of months ago we had an argument with my father and I got so angry at him (he continued telling me I was wrong and my teachers were right, even though the truth was the other way around) that I started shouting for a minute as loud as I could calling him a motherfucker idiot piece of shit etc. My neighbours probably laughed at me, but what's important is that I felt very very good while I was shouting.

It doesn't however mean that I'm going postal whole the time. I'm not easily irritated, I'm actually a whiner.

Asexuality: it's not just for amoebas anymore!

The sad truth is most people have never heard of asexuality as a sexual orientation. Especially the people in my shitty CUNTtry Bulgaria. (Oh the irony, I dislike vaginas, yet I use this word...  )

[God indeed is imaginary]

Oh, and a clarification. I am not just asexual, but also apubisexual (I made up that term). That means that my attitude to sex is the same as the attitude most children have to sex. That's what I mean:

Many children nowadays learn about sex when they are as young as 5 for example. When they learn about it, they think "Ewww... that's disgusting! Why to adults do that? I'll never do it. Even my parents do it! Ewww!" It's pretty similar to how small children say "Ewww!" when they see a couple kissing. Or how most people say "Ew!" when they see gay men kissing.

I have the same attitude to sex. To me sex is DO NOT WANT.



To me sex, vaginas, semen, etc are icky and disgusting. I.e. I have a child's mentality when it comes to sex. My body is adult, but sexuality-wise, my mind is child-like. (It doesn't mean I'm retarded though, I'm child-like only when it comes to sex, otherwise I am a smart, mentally developed person.)

Even though my body experiences sexual feelings, I do not enjoy sex. I feel gross every time I masturbate.

To me, sex is evil, wrong and disgusting. I wish all people were asexual.

[MadBunny]

BM. 

I have an opinion, but can't elaborate while I'm at work.

I've changed my mind.
Good luck with your Vulvaphobia GiiI.

I suggest you develop a fixation with oral sex or something to deal with your problem.
Release of sexual tension does wonders.

[God indeed is imaginary]

I suggest you develop a fixation with oral sex or something to deal with your problem. Release of sexual tension does wonders.

Masturbating is enough for me to release my sexual tension. I don't need another person to achieve orgasm.

[MadBunny]

I suggest you develop a fixation with oral sex or something to deal with your problem. Release of sexual tension does wonders.

Masturbating is enough for me to release my sexual tension. I don't need another person to achieve orgasm.

Ok then, go to town with that. 
My point is that everybody has things they find distateful or troubling.  Having a life partner typically involves sex at somepoint, be it male or female.

There are lots of things I'm aversive to, I suppose if it was a societal norm for people to get off on chicken snatch or something then I'd be abnormal since I find the idea disgusting.  That would make me the abnormality.

From a biological standpoint humans only have two imperitives. Survival and breeding.  If a human is aversive to either one of these, their genes will die and the ones that enjoy these activities will breed and carry on.  Human societies can be large enough that not all members need to breed, but if those who don't are geared toward the survival of the group as a whole then it still suceeds.  This works in animal populations as well, and could be a simple (though probably incorrect) explanation for why homosexuality can still be a legitimate impulse and not a violation of the biological imperitive.

So in closing, good luck.  I hope you figure it out.

[God indeed is imaginary]

Having a life partner typically involves sex at somepoint, be it male or female.

There are lots of asexual women all over the world. Even in the Balkans. So sex is not mandatory for there to be a relationship.

From a biological standpoint humans only have two imperitives. Survival and breeding.  If a human is aversive to either one of these, their genes will die and the ones that enjoy these activities will breed and carry on.  Human societies can be large enough that not all members need to breed, but if those who don't are geared toward the survival of the group as a whole then it still suceeds.

I don't care what the people who live after I die will be sexuality-wise. I can only hope that the percentage of asexuals will get significantly higher.

Also, your argument is not very right. Many asexuals have kids. It's not a problem for most asexuals to have sex X± times to have X± children. What asexual people don't want to do is to have regular sex for 'pleasure'. Anyway, I suppose asexuals on average have less kids than sexual people. But then again, what does it have to do with my kolpophobia...

[Zankuu]

Yes, I admit that I like when people feel sorry for me. I've been a whiner and a crybaby whole my life. But it doesn't mean I'm not a victim. My mother IS the main reason I have kolpophobia. I AM a victim of her stupidity.

What’s noteworthy here is that you recognize your search for sympathy. Kudos to you. But keep in mind all children are gullible and it would be safe to think everyone has been a victim of another’s stupidity at some point in their early life.

I think you are mixing up two things here - learning about opposite gender's genitals and learning about sex. My problem is not that my mother didn't tell me about sex. My problem is that she didn't tell me about vaginas and urethras.

Ah, I see your point.

May I ask you a question? So you learned about sex from your peers. But how did you learn about vulvas? (Don't answer if you don't want to.)

One of my earliest memories of my interest involving the opposite sex was in the second grade.  I remember sitting in class adjacent of a girl I found intriguing. At that time I knew there was a difference between boys and girls, but I had no idea what. Without the aid from my parents (they thought I was too young to learn about sex and organs), I decided it must be something covered by clothes since the only difference in appearance that I could find between our sexes was the length of hair. Because of my cluelessness, often times I found myself imagining what could be down there. So, how did I learn about vulvas? I asked. Since my parents refused, I asked my classmates. Of course all our answers varied, it was a learning process like anything else.

I won’t criticize your timeframe for sexual education. Every parental figure has their own idea of what it is. However...

I'll also start explaining her about sexual arousal and how to deal with it when she starts to experience it. Yep, I'll teach her how to masturbate.

...be careful with this one. Why would you feel you need to teach her to masturbate? Masturbation is a normal extension of self-discovery. The keyword here is self. Forcing it too early would be as harmful as not allowing it to happen, quite possibly resulting in an adult that does not function sexually as well as others. But then again, not functioning at all is the norm for you. So perhaps that is what you would want for her.

So yeah, I'd teach my kids that they must be asexual, because any other sexual orientation is bad and wrong.

You’re starting to talk like a Gnostic theist. “So yeah, I’d teach my kids that they must be Catholic, because any other religious orientation is bad and wrong.”

Well, there's nothing wrong with my asexuality, so I don't think there's anyone to blame. I mean, asexuality is not a bad thing to me, so why should I blame myself? I am actually proud of myself and my choice. Kolpophobia is a problem for me indeed, but asexuality is not.

I think I understand now. You blame your mother for your phobia, not for your asexuality?  But if your parents had taught you about sex organs and their natural practices, do you feel you would have still been asexual?

During these few seconds of revenging, I felt really REALLY good.

If that kind of petty revenge tops the charts of your life highs, then you simply haven’t had enough worldly experiences. There are feelings far more meaningful and profound than revenge.

[Gnu Ordure]

I'm child-like only when it comes to sex, otherwise I am a smart, mentally developed person

GIII, what do you call someone who admits he has serious problems, who admits that he's messed-up and extremely confused, who is offered the same good advice from numerous people which might lead to a resolution of his issues - and who then refuses to even try out the advice?

Does that sound smart to you? It doesn't to me.

But it's up to you. If you want to carry on trying to get sympathy from strangers by exaggerating your story and inventing medical problems and terms for yourself, while at the same time (in your own words) whining and being a crybaby and a misanthrope, and blaming your mother and society and the past for your current unhappiness - go right ahead. It won't get you very far.



I suggest that this thread has served its purpose; in regard to the OP, GIII has been correctly informed that many boys and girls pick up all kinds of sex information and indeed misinformation as they go through their teens, without this inevitably leading to mental health problems such as his.

People here continuing to discuss his obsessive feelings about his sexuality are just encouraging him to act out his misanthropy, and colluding with him in avoiding his real issues. And it will end in tears, as this Forum is not intended for this kind of stuff.

For these reasons I recommend this thread be locked.


Gnu.

[God indeed is imaginary]

One of my earliest memories of my interest involving the opposite sex was in the second grade. I remember sitting in class adjacent of a girl I found intriguing. At that time I knew there was a difference between boys and girls, but I had no idea what. Without the aid from my parents (they thought I was too young to learn about sex and organs), I decided it must be something covered by clothes since the only difference in appearance that I could find between our sexes was the length of hair. Because of my cluelessness, often times I found myself imagining what could be down there. So, how did I learn about vulvas? I asked. Since my parents refused, I asked my classmates. Of course all our answers varied, it was a learning process like anything else.

Bad parental sexual education at its worst. I mean, why would ANY parent be ashamed to tell his son what girls have between their legs? WTF??? Learning about opposite gender's genitals from one's classmates is among the worst way to learn about vaginas. (The worst is probably to get molested by a female pedo, though.)

So you too learned about vaginas at quite late age (not as late as mine, but still)... Then what made you like them (assuming you're heterosexual)? Why didn't I start liking them too? I suppose that the main reasons are:

1. that I learned about them after getting into puberty, while you learned about them when you were still prepubescent and experienced virtually no sexual feelings.
2. My sensitivity. I am a very sensitive and easy-to-get-disgusted-by-things person.

...be careful with this one. Why would you feel you need to teach her to masturbate? Masturbation is a normal extension of self-discovery. The keyword here is self. Forcing it too early would be as harmful as not allowing it to happen, quite possibly resulting in an adult that does not function sexually as well as others.

Well, I haven't thought that much about how I would explain my kids about masturbation. But I would definitely be very careful. I'd probably tell her "When you start feeling feelings in your groin you've never felt just tell me and I'll tell you what to do, OK?"

But then again, not functioning at all is the norm for you. So perhaps that is what you would want for her.

What do you mean "not functioning at all"? I am not completely nonsexual creature - I have libido, experience sexual feelings (though I wouldn't like to) and masturbate. Yes, I will tell her that she have to be asexual, but I'll never teach her masturbation is a bad thing. I am not against masturbation, actually when I'm horny I really enjoy masturbating. (Well, after that I hate myself for doing these things, but within 24 hours I get horny again and masturbate again, and everything repeats over and over again...)

So yeah, I'd teach my kids that they must be asexual, because any other sexual orientation is bad and wrong.

You’re starting to talk like a Gnostic theist. “So yeah, I’d teach my kids that they must be Catholic, because any other religious orientation is bad and wrong.”

But I'll give them good arguments proving my opinion that asexuality is the best orientation. I'm not going to tell them "You'll burn in hell forever if you have sex! " or anything like that.

But if your parents had taught you about sex organs and their natural practices, do you feel you would have still been asexual?

Yes, I still would've been asexual. I am not asexual because I dislike vaginas. It's because of other reasons. Don't forget that I find penises sexually stimulating - it doesn't however mean I am gay. I am asexual and it has virtually nothing to do with my kolpophobia.

If that kind of petty revenge tops the charts of your life highs, then you simply haven’t had enough worldly experiences. There are feelings far more meaningful and profound than revenge.

Well, I was exagerating. Revenge might feel very good for couple of minutes/second, but it is by no means fulfilling and it doesn't last for long.

Please don't get the wrong impression for me. I am not a person who lives to laugh at other people's misery.

I live to experience meaningful and creative things and emotions.

[God indeed is imaginary]

...exaggerating your story...

I'm not exaggerating. My kolpophobia indeed has a strong negative impact on me.

and inventing medical problems and terms for yourself

Learning about vaginas way too late CAN be and IS the medical mental problem that caused my kolpophobia. I'm not making THAT up.

while at the same time (in your own words) whining and being a crybaby and a misanthrope

There are enough reasons for me to be a misanthrope, society's misunderstanding of my being asexual is not the only reason.

and blaming your mother and society and the past for your current unhappiness

I'm blaming them for a reason. You don't understand me, that's why you think I feel irrational hatred to others.

I suggest that this thread has served its purpose; in regard to the OP, GIII has been correctly informed that many boys and girls pick up all kinds of sex information and indeed misinformation as they go through their teens, without this inevitably leading to mental health problems such as his.

My ultimate purpose was:

1. To find out if there are other people who have gone through this. (I knew chances were small, but why not try?)
2. To get empathy from other people. (I'm not Chuck Norris - I have emotions and need to rant from time.)

People here continuing to discuss his obsessive feelings about his sexuality are just encouraging him to act out his misanthropy

I thought you were on my side (yes, I divide everyone into pro-me and against-me groups). But now you call me unintentional troll. I need to cry on someone's shoulder (yes, I'm a crybaby) and that's what this thread is about.

[Gnu Ordure]

You ignored the central question of my last post. I asked you:

GIII, what do you call someone who admits they he has serious problems, who admits that he's messed-up and extremely confused, who is offered the same good advice from numerous people which might lead to a resolution of his issues - and who then refuses to even try out the advice?

Does that sound smart to you? It doesn't to me.

GIII, I was just googling 'kolpophobia', and I found that two days ago you started a similar thread to this one on the Mental Health Forum. Same sad story, same insistence that therapy can't help you, same murderous rage against your mother, and the same request for sympathy from complete strangers.

Three out of the four respondents on that thread gave you the same advice as you've been given by people here - if you want to solve your problems get professional help.

When are you going to get smart and take the advice?

My ultimate purpose was:
1. To find out if there are other people who have gone through this. (I knew chances were small, but why not try?)
2. To get empathy from other people.

So you've found out that other people get misinformed by their parents on sexual matters, and it's no big deal. (And it would certainly be an exaggeration to say that you are a victim of sexual abuse because of it, as you do). You've also got some sympathy - though that's going to run out pretty quick as people realize that you're not interested in addressing your issues, preferring to wallow in self-pity, victimhood and revenge fantasies.

I need to cry on someone's shoulder (yes, I'm a crybaby) and that's what this thread is about.

Then you're not interested in the stated purpose of this Forum, you're simply using the place to act out your psychopathology. And you're using the members here for your emotional gratification, without any intention of acting on the well-meant advice that you are given.

Gnu.

[Ethelred]

I agree!