Author Topic: The Day I stopped Believing  (Read 2347 times)

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Offline DebaucheryDivine

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The Day I stopped Believing
« on: January 31, 2009, 10:27:57 PM »
November  10, 2000 was a day I’ll never forget. I got on my knees before God and declared my love for him, gladly accepting him in my heart. No one was around. It was just the Lord and I, in my bedroom as I made up my mind I’d follow him for the rest of my life. Since that moment, I was Baptized, President of the Bible Club, A Christian Hip-Hop Artist, and an 8 time Bible reader from cover to cover (Not including the dozens of times I’ve read proverbs and the 4 gospels) and more importantly, I was a son. God’s son. I used to walk the streets and tell complete strangers about the goodness of my Father. Drug dealers, Crack heads, Millionaires, Successful Businessmen, would all look at me and say, “Kid, I used to be just like you.” After hearing that statement so many times, I got on my knees once again before God and prayed and asked him “Father, as long as I live, never allow my heart to turn away from you.” God didn’t answer that prayer…



All the times I’ve prayed and fasted and read my Bible, I never did those things because I felt I HAD to. It was always because I wanted to. I truly loved the Lord. But strangely enough, I never felt his love back. Giving away 10% of every dollar I’ve ever earned to him, running home from work just to watch my favorite preacher on TV. My heart still remained empty. Everyone else seemed to be hearing from God and experiencing his Love. But not me. What did I do God? Did I not put my faith in you? I surely think I did. But the more love I put out, the less love I received.



Then September 2008 came. I’d had it with God. Since he was probably gonna send me to hell for my many evil thoughts, I thought I’d just quicken the process and kill myself. 30 pills of Risperdal  went into my system as I laid down in my bed waiting for death. I awoke to EMT attendants sliding me into the back of an Ambulance. There I began to think. Did God just save me? Maybe he does love me… Does he?



For weeks after that I decided to find out who it was I was worshipping all this time. I did research on who wrote the bible, how did they pick the books in it, who was Jesus really in regards to history. The answers shocked me and broke my heart. It was all made up. Men wrote that book.  And God had nothing to do with it. I guess that’s why in the book of Judges Chap. 19: 23-29 it mentions a man who had his daughter gang raped all night than cut her body into 12 pieces and sent them all over Israel or in 2nd Kings 2:23-24 when God killed 42 little kids just because they made fun of a bald guy.



So there I was Dec.31 2008. My birthday. I thought to myself, should I continue to worship the air just because billions of people do? Or should I just live my life and enjoy the time I have on this planet? I came to the decision. Al, God was always just in your head. Get over it. You’re not going to hell. No one is. You live and you die. Don’t be to good because it’ll run you crazy and don’t be to bad either, why die before your time. So now I sit here with a smile on my face. I now sleep good at night. Live Al, Love others with all your heart and Just live…

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Online Gnu Ordure

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2009, 10:37:48 AM »
DD,

I'm sorry you got yourself into such a state that killing yourself seemed a reasonable proposition.

May I ask whether you've set up any kind of professional help (counselling/therapy) for yourself since September ?

I say this because suicide attempts should be taken seriously, with the aim of understanding what happened and, more importantly, trying to ensure there's no repetition.

And often it's difficult to talk to family or friends, because they get upset too easily.


Best wishes,

Gnu.

Offline Because

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2009, 01:27:19 AM »
I'm sorry for the hard times that you had..
I'm glad you're happier now. Heavenly Father is glad you're happier too. I wanted to kill myself once until I found "the light".. I'm not going to talk about it though. Just do what you're doing as long as its nothing bad! :) Don't get mad if I say this but God isn't really in control of your faith.. you are. He's not going to put you through hell.. you seem nice. We're all here to find answers DD. It's amazing you were so into everything and it all went away, that does happen. I just want to say hello, I'm doing great and you deserve to be doing great too.
Good luck, best of wishes to you.
~Tel
I don't bible bash. I don't bible bash. I don't bible bash! ... but when I do I win.

Offline gold_digging_ants

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2009, 04:23:23 AM »
I wanted to kill myself many, many times until I realised that the so-called "light" which you're talking about was a delusion and that I didn't have to live with the monstrous guilt of being a worthless sinner that had to have the sinless son of god, blah blah blah, brutally tortured and murdered and then brutally tortured some more because of all the horrible things I had done.  The first time I had those thoughts was when I was six years old.

And whatever happened to "no evangelism in this section"?
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Offline Operator_017

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2009, 06:36:06 AM »
A friendly reminder has been sent to member 'Because' regarding refraining from evangelism within this topic.
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Offline Because

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2009, 12:26:07 PM »
A friendly reminder has been sent to member 'Because' regarding refraining from evangelism within this topic.
Thanks, my bad
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Offline kevyrat69

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2009, 12:55:37 AM »
You are a great man because your thoughts are important to you and we all go through the suicide times when nothing makes sense to us anymore.  You expected God to answer you and when he is imaginary, he just isn't going to.  You are a sane person because you realized that you cannot feel or see something that isn't there.  The people that do see what they think they see have talked themselves into it or they are insane.  Glad you are okay and around to talk to.

I know that Risperdal is a lot like haldol and doesn't have a lot of the side affects of haldol and I am glad they could save you. 

Remember that suicide is a normal feeling to have when we cannot see what we thought we knew was right and normal when really it is all in our heads from the beginning.
http://www.jesusneverexisted.com/

whatever people are experiencing when they experience God, it's not something they're perceiving in the external world. It's something their brains are making up.
Greta Christina

Offline DebaucheryDivine

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2009, 10:15:37 AM »
Thanks a lot for the kind words guys! Religion really put me in messed up mental state, but now i'm doing just fine! I didn't put this in there, but I was also a heavy Marijuana and Cigerette smoker. I prayed and prayed for God to help me quit and nothing happened. Once I realized he was all in my head, I finally figured out that the only person who could get me to quit was me, and Since that day 2 months ago, no type of smoke has entered my body. Mind over matter. Not God.
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Offline Got Mayhem?

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2009, 05:47:09 PM »
Thats some story DD, glad you're doing fine now.
I remember how when I was religious I was always afraid. I was afraid of hell, afraid of pissing off god. But that never stopped me from doing whatever was 'wrong' in the church's eyes. One day I just got sick of the fear and learned to think for myself.
I am my own God
See the truth beyond
Through endless lies thy kingdom come
Glorified wisdom illumination tool
Self deceit it's the golden rule

Live your life you're gonna die your own death
There's no one above that's gonna take your breath

Offline Agamemnon

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2009, 09:20:34 PM »
Good stuff, DD.  Thanks for sharing.
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.  --Bertrand Russell

Offline Davo

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2009, 04:59:31 PM »
I can't remember when the day occurred for me but I was very young. it would be over the course of about 6 -12 years old.

I went to a catholic primary school and went to church every Sunday. I also liked (and still do) to read a lot. I read books on the saints and those books you read when waiting at the doctors explaining why humans lived so long in the beginning (there was no diesease back then, silly!)

I also had this interest in Space and planets and earth history which led me to books about evolution and universe origins. I remember being taught about how the earth was made according to the bible and stories like Noah's are and remember thinking that what I read and what I was being contradicted eachother.
I would ask questions to my teachers about how did animals like dinosaurs and Australopithecus fit into the bible picture - and got unsatisfactory answers eg. they didn't deem it necessary to put dinosaurs in the bible as it is not relevent to the story.
Needless to say my bullshit alarm finely tuned itself at quite a young age. I remember reading the tower of babel story that explained why people on earth speak different languages and even my prepubescent mind knew it was only a fantastic story invented by ancient people who didn't know any better.
I remember being 6 years old in grade prep and asking how the trinity worked. (how are they the same but separate? what exactly is the holy spirit?) and who made god; I was trying to imagine a being lying in space putting ribs into itself, but it just didn't work.

I read an absolute shit load about evolution, earth history, astronomy and religious texts etc, and along with sheer common sense concluded that the stories in the bible are just that - stories. And not only that, tragically outdated now that we as humans know more.

During my mid teens (I acknowledged myself as an atheist by then) I decided to read the whole bible to see what it was all about. I knew all the usual crap, the flood, red sea parting, jesus etc but wanted to read what humans over all these years had been worshipping and fighting wars about etc. And discovered many things.
a) a very, very, very, selective amount is read out at church. Very selective. Church is essentially brainless propaganda (although it could be worse).
b) the old testament, although has some fun stories about burning bushes, talking animals, ghosts, people living for centuries etc, it is VERY boring. There are hundreds of pages of pure boring shit.
c) suprising to me at the time, There were more than ten commandments. I ad never been taught anything other then the ten. I thought I was the only person on the planet who knew about this now. I read all of them and came to understand why they only read out 10.
c) whoever wrote Revelations was on some hardcore hooch.

Keep in mind I was never taught this. I read my books on evolution and astronomy and the bible out of curiosity and a thirst for the truth. I never knew anyone else who didn't believe in god until I was 16, so I was never coerced into it by anyone else.
But I felt the need for knowledge. I wanted answers. If I read a religious story or theory, I wanted proof, I wanted evidence.

"It is god's will" or "The lord works in mysterious ways" is for the simple of mind.

Now, I am at the point (and have been for many years now) where I couldn't believe in god even if I wanted to. No more than I can believe I can fly like superman or eat the moon.

Sadly throughout my youth and teens I began to realise the appalling truth. Adults not only still believed in god, but actually believed the bible stories that I, as a child, knew to be obvious fantasy.

To me this is disturbing. As a child I knew the obviousness of it but over thousands of years, billions of people have not. huh? I'm not a genius, so why can't most people see what is to me painfully obvious?

Anyway that  is my story. I basically never really believed in god. By the time I was at the age to start really believing in an almighty being that created existence and would help me through life (or not) I had already disproved the notion. I would like for others to see the truth. Humans don't need religion. Like I have said before. It is like a nightlight for children afraid of the dark. Once they grow up, they know there is nothing there and no longer need it. It's time for humans to grow up and, slowly but surely, as the existence of this site shows, we are starting to. But we have a long frickin way to go.

Offline searchinwithnoagenda

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2009, 02:53:20 AM »
I too am sorry to hear about your attempted suicide.  I am glad you “won”.  Please don’t let a valuable life be snuffed out by anything, let alone something as tenuous as religion seems to be.

It seems to me that those who experience a tragedy in life and, as a result, aggressively pursue/seek truth conclude religion and perhaps even god are a falsehood.  What if religious folks pursued/sought truth with as much aggressiveness?  Would these folks also conclude religion and perhaps even god are a falsehood?

Offline darquehuntre4

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2010, 03:09:14 AM »
I wouldn't say that I have completely stopped believing.  It's more of I have stopped putting my faith in a book written by man, over and over, transcribed, translated, and screwed with by mankind.  True, it tells a very good story.  But how much of it has been changed by human error or kings who decided that they didn't like a passage or two, so had them cut out(*cough cough* King James *cough cough*).  I decided that I refuse to put my "faith" in a book written by fallible men.  Does anyone remember playing "telephone" as a kid?  Same principle applies here.

Offline Operator_011

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2010, 08:25:34 AM »
Hi darquehuntre4,


I see you've revived a dead topic that hasn't been posted in for over 8 months, started by a member that hasn't been active for 2 months.

This is known as "thread necromancy" and is best avoided. If there's something spectacular to bring to an old topic, it's better to start a new thread as it'll receive more attention.


Eleven.
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Offline domnuspike

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #14 on: November 08, 2013, 01:28:30 AM »
are you still there?

Offline viocjit

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2013, 04:48:22 PM »
I liked this story this is such true.

Offline johnrain

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2014, 06:09:03 AM »
I can't understand why God would ignore the Op's prayer for him to never let him turn from Him.

Online Nam

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Re: The Day I stopped Believing
« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2014, 12:35:41 AM »
I can't understand why God would ignore the Op's prayer for him to never let him turn from Him.

I can't undetstand why people necro 4+ year old topics[1]. We all have our issues.

-Nam
 1. granted, it wasn't you who did but close enough
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.