Author Topic: We need some jokes.  (Read 288 times)

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Offline Benny

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We need some jokes.
« on: March 05, 2014, 09:34:02 PM »
I vaguely remember there being a joke thread on here some time ago.  We should do that again, that's fun.  I'll start it up.  (Some of these are a bit sick.)

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?  The golfer goes *whack* DAMMIT!  And the bad skydiver goes DAMMIT! *whack*

The doctor says, "You'll have to stop masturbating." The patient says, "Are you serious?  Why?"  The doctor says, "Because you're not the only one in the waiting room."

Why didn't Napoleon pick up the phone?  Because he's dead.
Gay atheist teen.  But none of that should matter.

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Offline jdawg70

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2014, 11:44:06 AM »
A baby seal walks into a club...
"When we landed on the moon, that was the point where god should have come up and said 'hello'. Because if you invent some creatures, put them on the blue one and they make it to the grey one, you f**king turn up and say 'well done'."
- Eddie Izzard

Offline Boots

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2014, 12:04:54 PM »
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2014, 12:07:50 PM »
My son came up with a great Yo Mamma joke a couple years ago...

Yo mamma is so fat, when she stepped on her scale, she looked at it and said "How'd you know my phone number??"
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Foxy Freedom

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2014, 10:54:32 PM »
Something I am curious about which is funny.

My father told me that when he was in his teens, gays kept coming on to him. They always picked him out for some reason. He was really worried that they knew something he didn't. Whenever he went anywhere on his own he used to try to get a girl to walk with him for protection.

I have wondered why gays always chose him. Was it looks, personality, or something else?
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Offline bertatberts

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2014, 11:24:38 AM »
Something I am curious about which is funny.

My father told me that when he was in his teens, gays kept coming on to him. They always picked him out for some reason. He was really worried that they knew something he didn't. Whenever he went anywhere on his own he used to try to get a girl to walk with him for protection.

I have wondered why gays always chose him. Was it looks, personality, or something else?
Best ask you mum, when "he" comes down. Boom! boom!
We theists have no evidence for our beliefs. So no amount of rational evidence will dissuade us from those beliefs. - JCisall

It would be pretty piss poor brainwashing, if the victims knew they were brainwashed, wouldn't it? - Screwtape. 04/12/12

Offline bertatberts

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2014, 11:27:29 AM »
A guy broke into a house. As he picked up a CD player to put in a bag, a strange, voice echoed in the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze. he waited but heard nothing more, so he shook his head, clicked the torch on, and continued searching for stuff. Just as he pulled the dvd out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard,"Jesus is watching you." He freaked, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for somebody or something. In the corner of the room his torch caught a glimpse of a parrot. "Did you say that?" "Yep," said the parrot, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The guy relaxed. "Warn me, Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the guy laughed.
"What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus."
We theists have no evidence for our beliefs. So no amount of rational evidence will dissuade us from those beliefs. - JCisall

It would be pretty piss poor brainwashing, if the victims knew they were brainwashed, wouldn't it? - Screwtape. 04/12/12

Offline bertatberts

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2014, 11:28:29 AM »
Pat has a broken leg. steve comes over and says, "Hows things?"
Pat says, "Do me a favour, nip upstairs and get me my slippers."
Steve runs upstairs and sees Pat's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "Your dad sent me up here to f**k both of you."
One girl replies, "Liar. Prove it."
Steve shouts downstairs, "Hey, Pat, both of them?"
Pat shouts back "Yeh both of them! What's the point of f**king one?"
We theists have no evidence for our beliefs. So no amount of rational evidence will dissuade us from those beliefs. - JCisall

It would be pretty piss poor brainwashing, if the victims knew they were brainwashed, wouldn't it? - Screwtape. 04/12/12

Offline bertatberts

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2014, 11:29:19 AM »
Paddy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife Bridie naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," she cries.
He rushes downstairs to grabs the phone, but just as he's about to dial his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your cupboard and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the cupboard door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bast**d!!!" says Paddy. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
We theists have no evidence for our beliefs. So no amount of rational evidence will dissuade us from those beliefs. - JCisall

It would be pretty piss poor brainwashing, if the victims knew they were brainwashed, wouldn't it? - Screwtape. 04/12/12

Offline Nam

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2014, 12:13:47 PM »
I heard this as a kid, there are many variations of it all over the web:

"Johnny Fucker"

Johnny Fucker's father was a rich and successful, and politically connected man, and wanted nothing but the best for his only son, Johnny so he sent him to public high school. Johnny was a troublemaker, went to the principal's office on a regular basis, and one day he got detention, and he was the only student who did that day. The teacher watching him was Ms. Thomas, a 26 year old, fresh out of college, starting a lifelong career as an English teacher.  Johnny rose his hand, the teacher replied, "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Teacher, can you take off your shirt." The teacher replies, "No, Johnny!" Johnny replies, "If you don't I'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad then my dad will tell the principal and then you'll get fired." So, the teacher ponders the question knowing how powerful Johnny's father is, and she doesn't want to get into trouble with the principal in her new job of a long career so she takes off her shirt. Johnny is smirking, and playing with his desk then he asks the teacher, "Ms. Thomas, can you take off your skirt?" The teacher thinks that's just going too far and Johnny replies, "If you don't, I'll tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal and you'll get fired." She ponders this and then reluctantly agrees and removes her skirt.
So, Johnny is messing with his desk again, looking lustfully at the teacher, and he says, "Ms. Thomas could you remove the rest of your clothes?" and the teacher is just flabbergasted and she begins to yell at how naughty Johnny is and Johnny replies, "If you don't I'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad and my dad will tell the principal and you'll be fired." In anger she agrees but with some resistance.
Awhile later Johnny asks, "Ms. Thomas, can I fuck you?" and she says a resounding "NO!", and Johnny replies, "If you don't I'll tell..." Ms. Thomas interrupts Johnny and says, "...I know, you'll tell your mom, your mom will tell your dad, your dad will tell the principal and then I'll be fired." She thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, Johnny.". A few minutes go by and the classroom door opens and it's the principal! He sees Johnny on top of Ms. Thomas and he yells, "JOHNNY FUCKER!" and Johnny replies, "I AM! I AM!".

-Nam
This is my signature "Nam", don't I have nice typing skills?

Offline Foxy Freedom

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2014, 12:22:25 PM »
Something I am curious about which is funny.

My father told me that when he was in his teens, gays kept coming on to him. They always picked him out for some reason. He was really worried that they knew something he didn't. Whenever he went anywhere on his own he used to try to get a girl to walk with him for protection.

I have wondered why gays always chose him. Was it looks, personality, or something else?
Best ask you mum, when "he" comes down. Boom! boom!

I want to know what a gay person thinks the answer is.
Neither Foxy Freedom nor any associates can be reached via WWGHA. Their official antitheist website is http://the6antitheist6guide6.blogspot.co.uk

The 2nd edition of the free ebook Devil or Delusion ? The danger of Christianity to Democracy Freedom and Science.       http://t.co/2d1KcJ9V

Offline Benny

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2014, 06:50:08 PM »
Something I am curious about which is funny.

My father told me that when he was in his teens, gays kept coming on to him. They always picked him out for some reason. He was really worried that they knew something he didn't. Whenever he went anywhere on his own he used to try to get a girl to walk with him for protection.

I have wondered why gays always chose him. Was it looks, personality, or something else?
Best ask you mum, when "he" comes down. Boom! boom!

I want to know what a gay person thinks the answer is.

YOUR DESIGNATED HOMOSEXUAL HAS ARRIVED.

Probably one of these reasons:

1) He acted stereotypically gay.
2) He was quite attractive.
3) They were bored with the current selection in the meat aisle.

Or some mixture of the three.
Gay atheist teen.  But none of that should matter.

Watch me on YouTube: youtube.com/heathenbenny

Offline Foxy Freedom

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2014, 07:31:32 PM »
For 1) he didn't do anything his friends didn't do. Unless it was something unintentional. What kind of things might attract attention?

For 2) do you mean physically attractive? People thought so.
Neither Foxy Freedom nor any associates can be reached via WWGHA. Their official antitheist website is http://the6antitheist6guide6.blogspot.co.uk

The 2nd edition of the free ebook Devil or Delusion ? The danger of Christianity to Democracy Freedom and Science.       http://t.co/2d1KcJ9V

Offline Benny

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2014, 01:07:27 AM »
For 1) he didn't do anything his friends didn't do. Unless it was something unintentional. What kind of things might attract attention?

For 2) do you mean physically attractive? People thought so.

Well, there's your answer.  People get bored with the current selection, they go to a different supermarket.

BACK TO JOKES:

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson was a lunatic.

Gay atheist teen.  But none of that should matter.

Watch me on YouTube: youtube.com/heathenbenny

Online stuffin

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #14 on: March 11, 2014, 09:17:54 AM »
WARNING DIRTY KOKE AHEAD....







Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?

Cause if they dragged them by their feet, their pussies would fill up with dirt.
I'd cut him if he stands, and I'd shoot him if he'd run
 Yes I'd kill him with my Bible and my razor and my gun

Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.
Aristotle

Offline Boots

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #15 on: March 11, 2014, 09:30:16 AM »
Jesus and Moses came down to earth for a round of golf.  On the 6th hole, they're in front of a water hazard, and Jesus takes out a sand wedge.  Moses looks askance at the Savior, and says "Uh, Jesus, I don't think you're going ot make that shot with that club."

Jesus replies confidently, "Don't worry, I've seen Arnold Palmer do this a million times on TV!"

He takes the shot, and SPLOOSH the ball ends up in the water.  He looks over at Moses and says "That was my last ball--you mind parting the water so I can get it?"

"Hhhhhhh--fine."  Moses raises his hands, parts the water, and Jesus walks out and gets the ball.  he then proceeds to use the same club for a repeat.  Moses is surprised.

"I know you're God and all, but you're really not going to make that shot."

Jesus replies confidently, "Don't worry, I've seen Arnold Palmer do this a million times on TV!"

SPLOOSH!!

Jesus asks Moses ot part the water again.  "Look, I'll do it one more time, but if you end up in that hazzard again, you're on your own!" Moses raises his hands, parts the water, and Jesus walks out and gets the ball.  and again, he addresses the ball with the sand wedge.

Moses is shocked.  "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE THAT SHOT MAN!!!"

Jesus replies confidently, "Don't worry, I've seen Arnold Palmer do this a million times on TV!"

SPLOOSH!!

Before Jesus can open his mouth to ask, Moses says "No.  Get it yourself."

Jesus sighs, and begins to walk across the water hazzard, searching for the ball.  Meanwhile, the golfer behind them, who has caught up, walks up to Moses, looks at Jesus walking on the water, and asks "Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!"

Moses looks at the man with an exasperated expression.  "No, Arnold Palmer!"
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline jdawg70

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2014, 09:57:56 AM »
Since I had to look it up for purposes of a Mailbag response:

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Random-Digits-Normal-Deviates/dp/0833030477

Greatest.  Reviews.  Ever.

Not exactly a joke but much hilarity doth ensues.
"When we landed on the moon, that was the point where god should have come up and said 'hello'. Because if you invent some creatures, put them on the blue one and they make it to the grey one, you f**king turn up and say 'well done'."
- Eddie Izzard

Offline Ataraxia

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2014, 10:22:02 AM »
Paddy meets up with Murphy in the local, carrying a sack over his shoulder.
M: "Watcha got in there, Paddy?"
P: "Oh, just some little pigs, Murphy."
M: "Really? If I can correctly guess how many there are in the sack, can I have one?"
P: "I tells ya what, Murph, if ya can guess how many there are, you can have both of 'em."
M: "Ok then..... Three."
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire

Offline Boots

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Re: We need some jokes.
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2014, 02:17:37 PM »
A man wanted to kill his wife.  So he looked around in Shady Places, and found a guy who worked real cheap, a crafty fella by the name of Arthur who loved strangling people so much he only charge $1.00 for his services.  The man paid him the buck and instructed his hire where to do the deed.

Arthur showed up at the address, and found the wife in bed, so he strangled her to death, as per his contract.  He hadn't realized her secret lover was hiding in the closet, though, but when he found him he strangled him as well.  And, the butler (who had been sleeping) was awoken by the commotion and entered the room just as Arthur was finishing up the lover.  In an attempt to eliminate all witnesses, Arthur then attacked and strangled the butler, then made good his escape.

He was caught by the police, however, and the next day the headlines shouted:

"ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!!"
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces