Author Topic: I need to vent...a little...  (Read 754 times)

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Online Nam

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I need to vent...a little...
« on: February 01, 2014, 10:13:01 PM »
At another website I am holding a contest. It's a simple contest. Basically I asked if people were tired of getting generic comments on their work, and if they actually wanted a critique. I even have four simple rules:

1. Poems only

The reason why I request just poems is because 99.9% of poems that are out there[1] are crap. I have read probably a million+ poems[2], I'd say 60% published and 40% unpublished. I'd say 39.5% of the 40% is rubbish[3]. So imagine reading amateurish prose and/or stories. I'd go insane.

2. Left-aligned only.

Most poems should be left-aligned. Certain types of poems are fine centered but most should be left-aligned mainly because they're easier to read.

3. I have not previously commented/critiqued the poem.

Why comment on something I already have? Unless it's been drastically changed, I don't see the point.

Then

4. Don't bitch (unless you're a bitch)

That was for levity but people do bitch when one critiques others works but that's the point of the contest so...they shouldn't.

Then at the end I left a note that I wouldn't begin commenting until the closing of the contest which closed 30 days later. I got 98 entries. I have critiqued 33. I have removed 3 for not following the rules, and after my critique 3 have removed their entries themselves. Too bad for one of those because they were a contender.

It's a point system with a fake pixelated trophy if you place. Points are earned several ways: 1. Getting applauds for your works and/or comments 2. You can earn them by taking a class[4] 3. Placing in a contest or you can purchase them for A LOT of money.

There are members on the website who are professors at universities, prestigious people in life who post their work and help others be better writers. I am not prestigious, I'm not a professor, but I am published. There are people there who actually want to help others be better writers; that was the intention of the website 13 years ago when I joined. Of course now, these days, it seems to be more about the "social" aspect then the learning, which is sad.

Those who know me there see me as an asshole, a prick, controversial, etc., which is fine that's part of who I am but they also see me as a really good critiquer, and even those who loathe me ask me to critique their work which most of them are better writers than I'll ever be and I do take it as a compliment when they ask, whether they loathe me or not.

But others there, who know me or don't, and I critique when I comment; especially if I feel they have the potential to be great writers. And my critiques are never rude. I don't tell them to change anything, I suggest it. I don't degrade their work, I attempt to amplify it. I try to help them be better writers. I don't critique them just their work.

I've held over 150+ contests under mainly my main account for the past 11+ years. My contests are 99% of the time created to help amateurs be better writers. And, don't get me wrong there have been people who have been appreciative over the years but I am getting exhaustive with those who blame me for their errors. It's not that I can't take it it's just critiquing work is not like making a generic comment; it takes thought and effort, and sometimes time.

I found going to an individuals work and critiquing causes a lot of trouble. Rarely does it not. Everyone is always looking for praise. Those who want to learn are few and far between, and it's hard to find those people. Sometimes respected writers there and elsewhere suggest others come to me but with these people...I am just becoming exhausted with it all.

A part of me says, "continue" and the part I think is winning is saying, "give up". And I have never held a contest where people didn't bitch at me for rules they didn't read.

These people go to my page, leave nasty remarks in my author comment area, or click on one of my works, don't read it, and say nasty things. And, I can delete them, or report them but, what's the point? They'd just be told to place me on ignore, I mostly likely would be blamed for it whether I did anything wrong, or not, and that's it. So I leave them, and I don't report them.

There are people there that respect my opinion but most of those people are already great writers, they really don't need my help but I'm getting older, and my patience is getting thinner and I just don't think I can do it any more.

End of vent.

-Nam
 1. I include many of my own work, too
 2. not exaggerating, more of a guesstimate
 3. again: much of my work included
 4. I'm a former teacher (believe it or not)
« Last Edit: February 01, 2014, 10:19:33 PM by Nam »
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline magicmiles

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2014, 10:25:14 PM »
It's a simple contest.

Must. Resist. This. Perfect. Set Up.
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2014, 12:42:08 AM »
99.9% of poems that are out there are crap.

Sturgeon's lawWiki:
90% of everything is crap.


Most people do not actually want honest critique.  They want compliments, affirmations, gold stars.  Looking in the mirror honestly is a hard thing to do.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2014, 12:43:42 AM by screwtape »
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Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2014, 12:46:14 AM »
99.9% of poems that are out there are crap.

Sturgeon's lawWiki:
90% of everything is crap.

Not in poetry, it's 99%. I think I'm an authority figure since I can, at least prove, out of the 100,000 (est.) poems I've commented/critiqued, that 99% of them are crap[1].

-Nam
 1. this includes my own poetry, and I've written over 20,000 poems
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline shnozzola

Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2014, 07:14:07 AM »
I'm a former teacher (believe it or not

What did you teach, and what ages, if you don't mind me asking?

I've started volunteering for a career day for presenting lines of work to 5th graders (whom I am not smarter than  :)).  I love it, but, having seen my cousin struggle as a social studies teacher with the changes in education - same as bridges, taxpayers want lower taxes and more and better quality of everything, including education - I can understand the frustration of teachers.  (Here in PA we have an idiot of a governor)
« Last Edit: February 02, 2014, 07:16:07 AM by shnozzola »
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  The real holy trinity:  onion, celery, and bell pepper ~  all Cajun Chefs

Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2014, 02:05:32 PM »
I'm a former teacher (believe it or not

What did you teach, and what ages, if you don't mind me asking?

At the website, I am a former teacher and technically I was one at the YMCA when I was 17 but I don't think that counts. And at the website I taught a class on critiquing. I used works by dead people first then worked up to famous alive authors then I had them critique their own work then each others; teaching various skills in doing it without seeming as if they are being critical or insulting. And other things. It was a volunteer position.

I don't think I could be a teacher at an actual school; with or without a degree. But my point above is: it used to be more of those who wanted to learn when the place was a learning site, now it's more of a social site and most just want praise. It's difficult to find those who do.

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline Backspace

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2014, 05:50:00 PM »
2. Left-aligned only.

So no poems on intelligent design, expanding gun rights, or keeping god in government?  ;)
« Last Edit: February 02, 2014, 05:53:53 PM by Backspace »
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2014, 09:59:39 PM »
Not in poetry, it's 99%. I think I'm an authority figure since I can, at least prove, out of the 100,000 (est.) poems I've commented/critiqued, that 99% of them are crap[1].

-Nam
 1. this includes my own poetry, and I've written over 20,000 poems

I've written about 30 poems.  about 5 of them are crap. The rest are fricken great.  Carl Sandberg read them, and wept.
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Offline magicmiles

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2014, 11:09:17 PM »

I've written about 30 poems.  about 5 of them are crap. The rest are fricken great.  Carl Sandberg read them, and wept.

You claim to have poetic skill? Really? Well, I never!
Engineers aren't oft renowned for that type of endeavour
I must confess some news that wouldn't cause my mind to shatter
Would be that in your leisure time you play with Lego, just like Hatter
« Last Edit: February 02, 2014, 11:58:39 PM by magicmiles »
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2014, 01:00:58 AM »
Not in poetry, it's 99%. I think I'm an authority figure since I can, at least prove, out of the 100,000 (est.) poems I've commented/critiqued, that 99% of them are crap[1].

-Nam
 1. this includes my own poetry, and I've written over 20,000 poems

I've written about 30 poems.  about 5 of them are crap. The rest are fricken great.  Carl Sandberg read them, and wept.

Don't let me read them, I'll explain why they're crap.

;)

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2014, 09:51:18 AM »
You claim to have poetic skill? Really? Well, I never!
Engineers aren't oft renowned for that type of endeavour

I'm not a normal engineer.  I was torn between that as a profession or going to art school.  I stupidly listened to my family.  Stupid, idiot, me. 

Listen up kids, here is some important advice from Uncle Screwtape:

Never listen to your parents.  They know nothing.  When it comes to your life, they know less than nothing.  And chances are they will be the largest obstacle to your future happiness.  Even though they mean well, they are idiots and will ruin your life.  You are better off asking strangers on the subway for advice when it comes to your dreams and aspirations.  Try that some time.  Ask a stranger how to accomplish your life goals and they will give you 10 suggestions that will be better than anything any friend or relative would tell you.  People who know you and love you only want to keep you in a box.


It is corollary to something Frank Zappa said:
“If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT”

Would be that in your leisure time you play with Lego, just like Hatter

Not legos, but I do collect and paint minis for fantasy gaming and I am a superb cook.  99% of the cooking in my home is done by me.  Mrs Screwtape is a very lucky woman.


Don't let me read them, I'll explain why they're crap.

Perhaps.  Or you would succumb to their greatness...


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Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2014, 12:44:56 PM »
I never listened to my parents. Actually, I rarely listen anyone, even me.

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2014, 01:33:19 PM »
There once was a man named Nam
whose clothes were picked out by his mom
since he was a young lad
she dressed him in plaid
with stripes and colors uncalm


Thank you.  Thank you very much. 
The well is deep. There is plenty more where that came from.
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Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2014, 02:07:22 PM »
I hate plaid. I really do.

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline mrbiscoop

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2014, 09:40:25 PM »
  Can you could give your replies in rhyme? Just for shits and giggles.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
              -Emo Philips

Offline magicmiles

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #15 on: February 03, 2014, 10:31:31 PM »
  Can you could give your replies in rhyme? Just for shits and giggles.

Why, it would be my pleasure. You're well respected here
Your posts are filled with wisdom, and are published far and near
Your manner most sarcastic is a joy and a delight
but please, reverse the last two words, OK? Me bite.
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Offline DVZ3

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2014, 03:28:19 AM »
Couldn't help but think of this after screwtape's comments.

Baz Luhrmann Lyrics - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…
Hguols: "Its easier for me to believe that a God created everything...."

Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2014, 03:48:43 AM »
Here's a comment I got 6 hours ago on the contest page (the others pm'd me):

Quote
You are rude and petty.  This is a site for writing, yet you removed my poem because I forgot to make it left-aligned.  Couldn't you have, perhaps, messaged me and ASKED me to fix the small error?  Or informed me that I had made a mistake and given me a day to fix it?  Silly me, here I am thinking this is about writing and improving your writing.

My reply:

 
Quote
I am not petty, nor, in this instance, am I rude: you are, and all the others who couldn't take the time to read 4 basic rules. FOUR. This contest was open for a month, I have been slow in commenting because I am a busy person but if I can take the time out of my busy schedule to critique a poem, which takes time and effort, then those entering can show the same respect by following the rules.

I've held probably well over 200 contests on this website since 2002, and the one thing I notice is: when it comes to allowing prewrites people tend to not read the rules, and just enter anything from their page.

I know this is a "writing" website. Been a member for almost 13 years. That, and the 30,000+ comments which probably more than half have been critiques, I think I'm deserving of a little respect; no matter my past personality, or current.

My golden rule has always been: respect me, I respect you. You, and others I removed didn't follow the rules, I took that as disrespect and I therefore showed you the same "respect" you showed me.

-Nam

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2014, 08:01:34 AM »
^ I'm with you.  What a whiner.  Jesus h Christ on a stick. 
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Offline Seppuku

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2014, 10:00:50 AM »
I think critique knocks some people off of their pedestal a bit, they have a high opinion of what they've written or themselves and of course, you pick holes in it, this is why if you're going to be a writer you need to let go of your pride and ego a bit. I appreciate hard and honest feedback on what I write because I will seek to improve what I write, because I want it to work and sometimes when you're writing, no matter how good you are you can suffer from tunnel vision, this is why feedback is all so important. It's not only a learning tool but a means of looking at what you've written from new eyes and new perspective. I don't actually like people beating around the bush to critique because it means they're holding something back, likewise, I don't seek negative reinforcement or people being rude about it, but there's a fine line between hard critique and tearing up somebody's work.

I take a similar approach and attempt to pick as many holes as I can, it can be time consuming and often I'll question people's decisions, but I've found writer friends appreciate that method because they too want their work to be good and not to sit behind their own egos. We may not always agree on a piece of critique, but the point is to get people to think about it and not "oh noes, you're doing it all wrong".

I actually look back to some stuff I thought was great when I wrote (say, when I was 17) and look back now and see it's just full of holes and in major need of an edit. In fact, for these reason, I've deleted everything off of my Deviant Art page because now it just feels substandard. ;) It's possible I'll say the same thing about what I write now in 10 years time.

I might be interested in this community, I don't write as much as I should, I mainly stick to online Roleplay and stories surrounding said roleplay. If there's an option for prose, I'd probably be interested. That is, if you ain't scared of us discovery your poetry. :P
« Last Edit: February 05, 2014, 10:04:50 AM by Seppuku »
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
Warning: I occassionally forget to proofread my posts to spot typos or to spot poor editing.

Offline Backspace

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2014, 10:13:29 AM »
People who can pull rhyme out of their 'hat' amaze me.

Perhaps deep down I might be a poet;
But I'd never know it.

 8)
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2014, 02:17:39 PM »
People who can pull rhyme out of their 'hat' amaze me.

Perhaps deep down I might be a poet;
But I'd never know it.

 8)


Pedestrian rhyming which means: no thought whatsoever which equates to boring.

;)

-Nam
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline Boots

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2014, 03:55:31 PM »
People who can pull rhyme out of their 'hat' amaze me.

Perhaps deep down I might be a poet;
But I'd never know it.

 8)

keep on trying so you don't blow it
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline magicmiles

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2014, 04:38:25 PM »


Pedestrian rhyming

Nam prepared to cross the street
To buy some cigarettes
He was accosted by a madman
or perhaps he had Tourette's

"You're that rude bloke from All-Poetry
I've tracked you down you arsehole.[1]
You wiped me from your contest
Now revenge will take its toll"

He swung a punch, but Nam was quick
and ducked out of the way
he grabbed the offended poet
and then had this to say:

"I critique the way I like to
You must follow all my rules
I don't have time for right aligns
I don't have time for fools"

The poet, duly chastened
Slunk back from whence he came
And Nam continued walking
A pedestrian once again
 1. please note correct spelling, you silly Asshole
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Offline DVZ3

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #24 on: February 05, 2014, 06:25:40 PM »
I can't help but share this in this thread when it comes to life's advice. It's not "poetry" with words but I happen to find his videos/story inspirational... and hope you find his story informing..... To appreciate the "story" you first should watch the short absurd videos.  MM - I apologize for the Australian references but you've been extremely reasonable..... I apologize if any feel this is "out of place"... I've been down-voted before....

Matt - 2006


Matt - 2008


Matt - 2012



Matt's Lecture #1 of 3


Matt's Lecture #2 of 3


Matt's Lecture #3 of 3

Hguols: "Its easier for me to believe that a God created everything...."

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #25 on: February 05, 2014, 07:36:34 PM »
Pedestrian rhyming

I disagree.  To rhyme is to establish a limitation, a rule.  And to have the discipline and creativity to work within it deserves respect, I think. 

A hundred years ago I used to host (emcee, moderate, organize, whatever) poetry night at a cafe.  Mainly it was open mike where people could read their poetry while everyone else drank coffee and gabbed.  I noticed rather quickly that I was the only on who ever read poems that rhymed.  I got the impression everyone else thought rhyming was cheezy or passe.  I thought they were just lazy.  Because to express what you want within the boundaries of rhyming is not an easy thing.  It takes work. 

Good free verse is difficult too; don't get me wrong on that count.  But mocking rhyming was an easy way for most of them to avoid the labor of adhering to a structure - any structure.

I don't think you are mocking rhyming, Nam.  And I think I get what you are talking about.  You can let the rhymes dictate the content, rather than searching for the right rhymes to fit your content.  The former results in a lot of nonsense.  The latter is classical poetry.

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Online Nam

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #26 on: February 05, 2014, 08:28:03 PM »
screwtape,

Be
See
You
To
Or
Door
Weak
Leak

etc., etc., is "pedestrian rhyming", let me give you an entry in my contest as a great example:

http://allpoetry.com/poem/11222795-One-True-Friend-by-robinj7322

That's not only awful rhyming but "pedestrian" -- boring and thoughtless. Tell me I'm wrong?

[EDIT]

My reply is difficult to read but for that poem, this is my reply:

Quote
You should have stanzas in this. It makes the read better, I suggest four lines each part.

This line "Friends like you are far and few" has two basic problems. 1. It's a cliché, and 2. The fact you have "blue/you" just a few lines up and you use the same rhyme scheme again so close it makes it repetitious, which in this simple pedestrian rhyming poem is not good.

Pedestrian rhyming is the type of rhyme you're using throughout your poem (I and many other started out that way too); there's actually no effort to it thus the repetition.

"And in a millisecond to you I bring" -- the use of "bring" is a forced rhyme. Read your poem out loud, the line above it and then this line, and you should see how you're consciously or unconsciously forcing the rhyme to fit. Many of us who have grown in our writing started out like that. I would suggest, in the future, to not rhyme. Most of my own work is non-rhyming, I found that when I started writing poems my rhyming was not good so I switched to free verse and studied rhyming. You know how to rhyme, not saying you don't but this type of rhyming especially for this type of poem, is not good. I know that sounds harsh but if this is something you'd like to be doing years from now, you need to learn how to rhyme better.

Also, I would suggest not always being literal. Throw in some metaphors, be figurative, try to play lines against each other.

If you want, if you go to my author page you can read some of my earlier works (which have the poor rhyming) and then find more recent works (2004-today) and see how better I got with time. No need to comment on any thing, not why I am suggesting it. If you can see my lists probably easier to locate.

Overall, it's a lovely poem. There's really no critique I can give than the above because the whole of poem needs a rewrite, and it'd be easier to scrap it (which I have done many times), keep the lines you like and just recycle them. I know this may sound harsh, or rude but if you tried to publish it they wouldn't even bother and if they did they'd be more blunt than me.

I think you have the potential (based on this one poem) to be a good writer but only if you can take criticism, and not just from others but yourself. You need to critique your own work.

-Nam

-Nam
« Last Edit: February 05, 2014, 08:31:11 PM by Nam »
A god is like a rock: it does absolutely nothing until someone or something forces it to do something. The only capability the rock has is doing nothing until another force compels it physically to move.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously - Humphrey

Offline screwtape

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2014, 08:56:12 AM »
That's not only awful rhyming but "pedestrian" -- boring and thoughtless. Tell me I'm wrong?

I'm not saying you're wrong.  I'm saying that even pedestrian rhyming is more effort than a lot of self styled "free verse" poets are willing to put in.   I think you critique is a good one, and this: "...the use of "bring" is a forced rhyme. "  is exactly what I was saying about rhyme and content.
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Offline jynnan tonnix

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Re: I need to vent...a little...
« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2014, 01:43:41 PM »
I've always found it much easier to write poetry which rhymes. The structure gives you something to hang your words on, and as far as rhymes, pedestrian though they are, they always just seem to be there at the end of every line.  I wish I COULD write free verse, just as I wish I had a knack for abstract painting. But everything I paint ends up being very representational, and every time I try to write a poem, it wants to turn into a sonnet or something. I can't ever break free of meter either.

I haven't tried to write any poems in years, though. One problem I always seemed to have is that a first stanza would come to me out of nowhere, and I'd often not even know exactly what it meant. A second stanza could be written easily enough to match the flow of the first, and sometimes make the meaning clearer. Then the whole thing would become hopelessly sappy as I tried to tie it up.

This, for example, which I wrote ages ago, but is probably still better than anything I could manage now, starts out ok, I think, but once I figured out that it was about waking up from a dream in the morning, it just went downhill.
........................................................................
The morning sets the spangled glow
Of images unseen, and so
They sparkle as the dewdrops fall
Through images I can't recall.

Between the morning and the day
My thoughts remain upon the grey
Reminders of a distant past
Which but a second wipes away.

Merely a moment thus alarms,
Sheds sunlight over veiled charms
Which had a moment since been truth.
I am no longer in your arms.
..............................................................................
Critique your worst. I know it's pretty much tripe.

Oh, here's one I actually almost like. I wrote this one to my husband some time after we had our first son.
It's a bit personal, but I feel anonymous enough to share it.
................................................................

How often times have led me back
Through shadows long and deep.
Today the past and future merge;
I find I cannot sleep,
Yet lead myself through darkened halls,
Across green field and sky,
And back again to that same room
Which forged our living tie.

What once was easy now seems hard.
The pressures rob our nights
Of gifts and giving, love and care,
Now darkened fire and lights
Revive but briefly, then the joy
Of newness echoes back
To times we spent, to memories
We made but now we lack.

But treasures cannot be regained
As faultless, gleaming new.
And neither do I hope to gain
Such treasures back from you.
But in those memories I still
Somehow remain beguiled.
I know we've still our time not lost.
I want another child.
................................................................

By the way, this is not looking for free critiques, Nam. Don't feel obligated to comment on them or anything. I don't even know why I posted these to be honest. They just came spilling out.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2014, 01:55:04 PM by jynnan tonnix »