Author Topic: Some good one liners  (Read 1966 times)

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Offline Jag

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #29 on: October 25, 2013, 11:40:32 AM »
^^^psst, I have that song (love it too!) on CD by "Everything But the Girl" - did Sade do a cover?
“Be skeptical. But when you get proof, accept proof.” –Michael Specter

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #30 on: October 25, 2013, 03:23:16 PM »
I tried to catch a cloud, but I mist
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Offline Backspace

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #31 on: October 26, 2013, 10:42:13 PM »
Can a one-liner have more than one period?

"And now for our weather forecast: today it will be muggy, followed by Tuegy, Weggy, and Thurgy." - Benny Hll
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Offline Angus and Alexis

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #32 on: October 26, 2013, 11:42:38 PM »
*From a hunter*

This trip was unbearable.
Rule 1: No pooftas. Rule 2: No maltreating the theists, IF, anyone is watching. Rule 3: No pooftas. Rule 4: I do not want to see anyone NOT drinking after light out. Rule 5: No pooftas. Rule 6: There is NO...rule 6.

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2013, 12:14:15 AM »
wwgha's motto:

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

Or mine, whichever.

-Nam
Things I've said here:

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I only have a filter for people who do not consistently beg to be belittled, ridiculed, insulted, and demeaned.

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I may believe people, as a whole, should be treated fairly but I also believe those same people are idiots.

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2013, 12:41:08 AM »
Never trust a fart.
Git mit uns

Offline Backspace

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #35 on: October 27, 2013, 11:34:45 AM »
Never trust a fart.

That one's funny to youth; sound advice to the elderly.

Asian proverb: Man who go through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2013, 11:38:44 AM by Backspace »
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2013, 10:03:57 PM »
Asian proverb: Man who live in glass house... dress in basement.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #37 on: October 27, 2013, 10:10:45 PM »
Asian proverb: Man who live in glass house... dress in basement.

Man who dress in basement...lives with mother.

;)

-Nam
Things I've said here:

Quote
I only have a filter for people who do not consistently beg to be belittled, ridiculed, insulted, and demeaned.

Quote
I may believe people, as a whole, should be treated fairly but I also believe those same people are idiots.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #38 on: October 27, 2013, 10:24:13 PM »
Nam who dress in basement...
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Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #39 on: October 27, 2013, 10:42:39 PM »
Nam who dress in basement...

How would I know? Basements are almost non-existent in Florida[1].

-Nam
 1. they do exist but are very few and one needs a special permit to build one
Things I've said here:

Quote
I only have a filter for people who do not consistently beg to be belittled, ridiculed, insulted, and demeaned.

Quote
I may believe people, as a whole, should be treated fairly but I also believe those same people are idiots.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #40 on: October 28, 2013, 02:36:17 PM »
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Hi, I've got amnesia. Do I come here often?
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #41 on: October 28, 2013, 03:38:49 PM »
Why, I'd horse whip you... if I had a horse.  - Groucho Marx
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #42 on: October 28, 2013, 03:40:47 PM »
"If you were my husband I'd poison you"   "Lady, if I was your husband I'd poison myself"
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Offline Jonny-UK

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #43 on: October 28, 2013, 03:50:28 PM »
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
"Do I look like someone who cares what god thinks" - pinhead

Offline stuffin

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2013, 06:40:52 PM »
What food cuts a women's sex drive by 50%?
Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want too.

Ghost poopie - You feel it come out, you smell it and you heard it hit the water, but when you check the toilet, its not there.....
Forty Thousand Headmen couldn't change my mind

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #45 on: October 28, 2013, 06:53:36 PM »
For once in my life I would like to wake up in the morning and be excited as much as my penis.

-Nam
Things I've said here:

Quote
I only have a filter for people who do not consistently beg to be belittled, ridiculed, insulted, and demeaned.

Quote
I may believe people, as a whole, should be treated fairly but I also believe those same people are idiots.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #46 on: October 29, 2013, 01:12:01 AM »
How can you tell a plane full of English people has landed? The engines stop, but the whining noise continues.
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #47 on: October 29, 2013, 11:33:41 AM »
I woke up this morning to the first snowfall of the season.  I knew just what to do - I ran to the front door and demanded my wife let me back in the house.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #48 on: October 29, 2013, 01:22:07 PM »
True story: my family drove to Six Flags, about a 3 hour car ride.  We were approaching close enough to occasionally see the taller rides.  My 11-year-old son says "Look, there it is!!" just as we came to some trees, which then blocked the view.  My 9-year-old daughter replies "I can't see beyond my field of vision!"

(that daughter, incidentally, is my fake-amputee avatar)
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

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To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #49 on: October 29, 2013, 01:24:04 PM »
Tennis depresses me. No matter how much I practice, I will never be as good as a wall.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #50 on: October 29, 2013, 01:24:56 PM »
Two guys walk into a bar...kinda dumb, you'd have thought the second one would notice.
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #51 on: October 29, 2013, 01:26:59 PM »
A guy goes into a church that's holding a fish-and-chips dinner.  He approaches the nearest man of the cloth and asks "Are you the fish friar, or the chip monk?"
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #52 on: October 29, 2013, 01:34:22 PM »
Probably my favorite one-liner insult ever...

...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #53 on: October 29, 2013, 01:38:05 PM »
Possibly my favorite non sequitur one-liner ever (at the very end)

...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #54 on: October 29, 2013, 01:45:06 PM »
Probably breaking the intent of the OP, but it's Monty Python so I'm guessing I'll be forgiven.  One of my favorite punch lines ever (and yes, the 5-minute setup IS required)

...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #55 on: October 29, 2013, 01:46:04 PM »
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"Well, it should sir; it was just ground this morning."
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #56 on: October 29, 2013, 01:46:56 PM »
A palm-reading dwarf on a crime spree: a small medium at large
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #57 on: October 29, 2013, 01:48:57 PM »
Mahatma Ghandi was known, among other things (including his spirituality), for his propensity to walk everywhere, resulting in very tough feet.  He was also famous for his hunger strikes, which left him both sleight of frame, and with chronic bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
...religion is simply tribalism with a side order of philosophical wankery, and occasionally a baseball bat to smash...anyone who doesn't show...deference to the tribe's chosen totem.

~Astreja

To not believe in god is to know that it falls to us to make the world a better place.

~Sam Harris