Author Topic: Some good one liners  (Read 1511 times)

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Online Jag

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #29 on: October 25, 2013, 11:40:32 AM »
^^^psst, I have that song (love it too!) on CD by "Everything But the Girl" - did Sade do a cover?
"It's hard to, but I'm starting to believe some of you actually believe these things.  That is completely beyond my ability to understand if that is really the case, but things never cease to amaze me."

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #30 on: October 25, 2013, 03:23:16 PM »
I tried to catch a cloud, but I mist
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Backspace

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #31 on: October 26, 2013, 10:42:13 PM »
Can a one-liner have more than one period?

"And now for our weather forecast: today it will be muggy, followed by Tuegy, Weggy, and Thurgy." - Benny Hll
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline Angus and Alexis

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #32 on: October 26, 2013, 11:42:38 PM »
*From a hunter*

This trip was unbearable.
Rule 1: No pooftas. Rule 2: No maltreating the theists, IF, anyone is watching. Rule 3: No pooftas. Rule 4: I do not want to see anyone NOT drinking after light out. Rule 5: No pooftas. Rule 6: There is NO...rule 6.

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2013, 12:14:15 AM »
wwgha's motto:

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

Or mine, whichever.

-Nam
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #34 on: October 27, 2013, 12:41:08 AM »
Never trust a fart.
Git mit uns

Offline Backspace

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #35 on: October 27, 2013, 11:34:45 AM »
Never trust a fart.

That one's funny to youth; sound advice to the elderly.

Asian proverb: Man who go through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2013, 11:38:44 AM by Backspace »
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #36 on: October 27, 2013, 10:03:57 PM »
Asian proverb: Man who live in glass house... dress in basement.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #37 on: October 27, 2013, 10:10:45 PM »
Asian proverb: Man who live in glass house... dress in basement.

Man who dress in basement...lives with mother.

;)

-Nam
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #38 on: October 27, 2013, 10:24:13 PM »
Nam who dress in basement...
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #39 on: October 27, 2013, 10:42:39 PM »
Nam who dress in basement...

How would I know? Basements are almost non-existent in Florida[1].

-Nam
 1. they do exist but are very few and one needs a special permit to build one
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #40 on: October 28, 2013, 02:36:17 PM »
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Hi, I've got amnesia. Do I come here often?
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #41 on: October 28, 2013, 03:38:49 PM »
Why, I'd horse whip you... if I had a horse.  - Groucho Marx
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #42 on: October 28, 2013, 03:40:47 PM »
"If you were my husband I'd poison you"   "Lady, if I was your husband I'd poison myself"
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Jonny-UK

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #43 on: October 28, 2013, 03:50:28 PM »
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
"Do I look like someone who cares what god thinks" - pinhead

Offline stuffin

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2013, 06:40:52 PM »
What food cuts a women's sex drive by 50%?
Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want too.

Ghost poopie - You feel it come out, you smell it and you heard it hit the water, but when you check the toilet, its not there.....
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Offline Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #45 on: October 28, 2013, 06:53:36 PM »
For once in my life I would like to wake up in the morning and be excited as much as my penis.

-Nam
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #46 on: October 29, 2013, 01:12:01 AM »
How can you tell a plane full of English people has landed? The engines stop, but the whining noise continues.
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #47 on: October 29, 2013, 11:33:41 AM »
I woke up this morning to the first snowfall of the season.  I knew just what to do - I ran to the front door and demanded my wife let me back in the house.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #48 on: October 29, 2013, 01:22:07 PM »
True story: my family drove to Six Flags, about a 3 hour car ride.  We were approaching close enough to occasionally see the taller rides.  My 11-year-old son says "Look, there it is!!" just as we came to some trees, which then blocked the view.  My 9-year-old daughter replies "I can't see beyond my field of vision!"

(that daughter, incidentally, is my fake-amputee avatar)
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

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"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #49 on: October 29, 2013, 01:24:04 PM »
Tennis depresses me. No matter how much I practice, I will never be as good as a wall.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #50 on: October 29, 2013, 01:24:56 PM »
Two guys walk into a bar...kinda dumb, you'd have thought the second one would notice.
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #51 on: October 29, 2013, 01:26:59 PM »
A guy goes into a church that's holding a fish-and-chips dinner.  He approaches the nearest man of the cloth and asks "Are you the fish friar, or the chip monk?"
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #52 on: October 29, 2013, 01:34:22 PM »
Probably my favorite one-liner insult ever...

* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #53 on: October 29, 2013, 01:38:05 PM »
Possibly my favorite non sequitur one-liner ever (at the very end)

* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #54 on: October 29, 2013, 01:45:06 PM »
Probably breaking the intent of the OP, but it's Monty Python so I'm guessing I'll be forgiven.  One of my favorite punch lines ever (and yes, the 5-minute setup IS required)

* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #55 on: October 29, 2013, 01:46:04 PM »
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"

"Well, it should sir; it was just ground this morning."
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #56 on: October 29, 2013, 01:46:56 PM »
A palm-reading dwarf on a crime spree: a small medium at large
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline Boots

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #57 on: October 29, 2013, 01:48:57 PM »
Mahatma Ghandi was known, among other things (including his spirituality), for his propensity to walk everywhere, resulting in very tough feet.  He was also famous for his hunger strikes, which left him both sleight of frame, and with chronic bad breath.

This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

"Many of my ultra-conservative Republican friends...have trouble accepting the idea God is not a Republican. " ~OldChurchGuy

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces