Author Topic: Some good one liners  (Read 1497 times)

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Offline magicmiles

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Some good one liners
« on: October 21, 2013, 05:37:33 PM »
I got an email with some good ones this morning, I made one of them my new signature.

Another good one:

"Police say the shooting of a Muslim this morning with a starter pistol was definitely race related"

Know any good ones to share?
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Mrjason

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2013, 04:43:45 AM »
Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2013, 05:40:07 AM »
I walked into the bar carrying a lump of asphalt and said "A beer for me and one for the road"
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Mrjason

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2013, 05:44:02 AM »
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Online Fiji

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2013, 05:49:57 AM »
atom: I lost an electron!
other atom: are you sure?
atom: yes, I'm positive!
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

Schrodinger's thunderdome! One cat enters and one MIGHT leave!

Without life, god has no meaning.

Offline Angus and Alexis

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2013, 05:58:22 AM »
A neutron ordered a beer, and asked for its price. The bartender said "for you, no charge".
Rule 1: No pooftas. Rule 2: No maltreating the theists, IF, anyone is watching. Rule 3: No pooftas. Rule 4: I do not want to see anyone NOT drinking after light out. Rule 5: No pooftas. Rule 6: There is NO...rule 6.

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2013, 05:59:10 AM »
One liners are the short form of tall stories.
Git mit uns

Offline Angus and Alexis

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2013, 06:00:50 AM »
I once visited a crematorium that offered discounts for burn victims.
Rule 1: No pooftas. Rule 2: No maltreating the theists, IF, anyone is watching. Rule 3: No pooftas. Rule 4: I do not want to see anyone NOT drinking after light out. Rule 5: No pooftas. Rule 6: There is NO...rule 6.

Offline pianodwarf

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2013, 06:07:00 AM »
My girlfriend is schizophrenic.  It makes the relationship difficult, but I put up with it because she's good people.
[On how kangaroos could have gotten back to Australia after the flood]:  Don't kangaroos skip along the surface of the water? --Kenn

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2013, 06:11:09 AM »
An air steward was asked to explain the difference between two in-flight menu choices, duck a l’Orange and chicken schnitzel: "Well sir, the duck is just like the chicken but it can swim."
Git mit uns

Online Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2013, 11:40:18 AM »
Never good at coming up with these. :'(

-Nam
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2013, 12:08:39 PM »
You should never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2013, 02:48:52 PM »
They invited me up to view the cockpit and meet pilots - I was impressed and asked: "So how often do these things crash?"
"Oh, just the once ..." came the reply :police:
Git mit uns

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2013, 02:52:55 PM »
Pilot's post-flight maintenance issues report: "Autopilot landing rough - check calibrations please."
Maintenance report: "Autopilot landing not fitted on this model."
« Last Edit: October 22, 2013, 02:57:53 PM by William »
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Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2013, 03:03:09 PM »
My daughter at the age of three-and-a-half upon hearing Christmas carols: "No it's not Little Lord Cheeses ... cheeses are good to eat, dey yummy!"
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Online Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2013, 03:03:56 PM »
http://thenextweb.com/shareables/2009/10/17/376-oneliners-internet/

Quote
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


16. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

23. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

-Nam
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2013, 03:11:44 PM »
Again, my little daughter: "Is there any Coke in Pepsi?"
Git mit uns

Offline pianodwarf

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #17 on: October 22, 2013, 03:25:05 PM »
I love to go down to the playground and watch the children running around and yelling.  They don't know I'm only using blanks.
[On how kangaroos could have gotten back to Australia after the flood]:  Don't kangaroos skip along the surface of the water? --Kenn

Online Nam

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #18 on: October 22, 2013, 03:30:18 PM »
[1]What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

-Nam
 1. 105 from website above
This thread is about lab-grown dicks, not some mincy, old, British poof of an actor. 

Let's get back on topic, please.


Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #19 on: October 22, 2013, 03:41:12 PM »
I'm trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke, but it's no twerking....
Git mit uns

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #20 on: October 22, 2013, 03:48:42 PM »
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typeO.
Git mit uns

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #21 on: October 22, 2013, 04:14:14 PM »
Pilot's post-flight maintenance issues report: "Autopilot landing rough - check calibrations please."
Maintenance report: "Autopilot landing not fitted on this model."

Laughing out loud. Good thing I'm the only one in the office this early.
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2013, 04:31:06 PM »
Back in my theistic days, I read a bible story to my daghter that mentioned pillars... I asked if she knew what pillars were.  She said, "Yes, that's what you put your head on at night when you sleep."
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2013, 05:52:30 PM »
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline neopagan

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #24 on: October 24, 2013, 06:33:44 PM »
a dyslexic atheist spends most of his time on forums arguing against the belief in dogs
If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #25 on: October 24, 2013, 06:54:55 PM »
^^ No kidding when I first turned up here I kept reading amazing posts from somebody called "nodogsforme" with a beautiful black labrador as her avatar at the time (if I remember correctly).

See here - I even wrote it like that:
http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/forums/index.php/topic,6798.msg156788.html#msg156788

How embarrassment  :-[  - but I think she probably knows I love her  ;)
« Last Edit: October 24, 2013, 07:12:07 PM by William »
Git mit uns

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #26 on: October 25, 2013, 04:38:01 AM »
I was at a cash machine and an old lady asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Go on up you baldhead.

Offline William

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #27 on: October 25, 2013, 05:40:45 AM »
More than 600 years ago the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes ... and they haven't seen the joke yet.
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Online Fiji

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Re: Some good one liners
« Reply #28 on: October 25, 2013, 06:37:19 AM »
Back in my theistic days, I read a bible story to my daghter that mentioned pillars... I asked if she knew what pillars were.  She said, "Yes, that's what you put your head on at night when you sleep."

My own female spawn said, upon hearing Sade's And I miss you "But the desert doesn't miss the rain ... if it rained in the desert, it wouldn't be a desert anymore."
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

Schrodinger's thunderdome! One cat enters and one MIGHT leave!

Without life, god has no meaning.