My 1st cousin is having brain surgery today (actually right this second). I took my mother to visit my sister in Orlando, then my brother's (and his wife) in West Melbourne, and then this morning took her to the hospital my cousin (her nephew) is having his surgery in Ft. Pierce.
I don't like being in hospitals. I know why I don't but she, and everyone else in my family do not. They wouldn't understand. And, if I told them their reply would be, "You need Jesus in your heart" or something similar.
I've had more bad experiences in hospitals than good and that's true, and the excuse I use for them, and anyone else but that isn't the reason. I'm indifferent to people. I am a sociable person but still "indifferent", and I speak my mind when people say things I do not like, without reservation. It's the way I am. It took me years to come to terms with myself about that. It's actually helped me be a calmer person (believe it or not).
But they don't care. Me and my cousin were close as children, and I hope he makes it out of the surgery but I will not go inside the hospital, and they all see me as this bad person.
I accept everyone for who they are. And, I recognize and adapt to their tribulations; and, I am not indifferent to my mother, brother, and sister (but just as much myself around them) and it pisses me off that I can be accepting to them but they can't to me.
I don't like being indifferent; and those who know me as being indifferent think I can change if I really wanted to. Reminds me of religion: if I really wanted to believe then I would. As if it works that way.
I'm not accepting to people because I "care", obviously (being indifferent and all), I don't. But I just think it's a two-way street in that I'm willing to relent on this one aspect when it concerns such circumstances but not so much actually walking through the metaphorical door.
It also makes me wonder: maybe they're indifferent to me. I'm not up to their expectations, and I do not believe in the religion/god they do (I've been called "evil" numerous times by family members), or the social hierarchy of "family"; meaning, as an example: my Aunt (mother's sister) thinks she can tell me what to do or not do as if I was one of her children because I'm her sister's son. And, if I don't do it then I am "bad, wrong, evil, etc.,".
In family situations I actually hold back. And I don't want to but I do it out of respect and love of my mother; and she knows how I am. She may not like it but she accepts it.
I've recently met two people who are the same as me except they are positive where as I'm more the "negative". They too are indifferent except to select people but they are positive in reaction with others rather than negative, like me. But, in conversation with them they agreed that it's a positive thing that a person like me exists. I took it as a compliment. What they meant was where as I am indifferent to people in a singular fashion I am not in a plural. Which is true.
As an individual I really am indifferent to peoples feelings or situations but in a more broader viewpoint, as a society as a whole, or "groupings", I am not.
I give to two charities. One on homelessness, and the other on literacy. I don't give to individual people (though, in concern to homeless I sometimes do but that's more of a "group thought" than as an individual--not thinking of the individual but the plight of all) I give to a charity. Same with literacy. Now, I have helped critique 10's of thousands of works but, again, my focus is on the work not the person who wrote it.
Also, they both pointed out that I'm like a guard dog. Meaning, I'm loyal (100%) to the groups and/or the select few that I am not indifferent to (so far only three people, used to be seven).
They also stated when it came to a fight (argument/debate/physical altercation) that I'd protect the group. Whether large or small.
And though we are different (whether positive/negative) we all agree that we don't want others to be like us. But, that, in certain ways: it's good that we're around.
People here may agree or disagree but this is how those like me cope with being the way we are. We can't help it, we were either born this way or conditioned this way by excessive tribulations. Or perhaps that, in of itself, is a fantasy and just a coping mechanism.
Though it still pisses me off that, no matter who you are, I can be accepting and you
I guess that's where the world really lacks: accepting others.
I could be wrong, usually am.