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Offline William

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Those three days in the tomb.
« on: September 16, 2013, 02:29:31 AM »
Must've been pretty unpleasant and boring for Jesus.  Alone in the dark, dead silence, dehydrated, hungry, sore, scabby, and smelly.
Three long days and three long nights before the prophecy could be fulfilled.
What did Jesus say or do to pass the hours? :?
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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2013, 02:32:10 AM »
"Father in Heaven, We picked a bad time in history for this Crucifixion thing, I sure could use a beer and pizza when I get out of here."
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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2013, 02:34:06 AM »
"It's been a while, hope I remember how to fly.  They say it's like riding a bicycle - once you learn how you never forget."
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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2013, 04:11:45 AM »
Let me elaborate the topic a little.
Jesus died on the cross, right?
Once bodily dead we know Jesus snuck in at least one quick out-of-body trip because Jesus wouldn't tell a lie and He told the thief next to him:

Quote
Luke 23:43 Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

But Jesus didn't go ALL the way home in the three days because after resurrection he told Mary:

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John 20:17 Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father.

Three days after karking He emerged from the tomb in a clean set of clothes and with freedom to display more amazing magic powers such as fish-finding and flying.

But there is a lot of "dead" time between dying and rising - and not a lot of detail.  What did Jesus do with this time?
   
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Offline Nam

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2013, 04:18:20 AM »
Quote from: William on September 16, 2013, 02:29:31 AM
Must've been pretty unpleasant and boring for Jesus.  Alone in the dark, dead silence, dehydrated, hungry, sore, scabby, and smelly.
Three long days and three long nights before the prophecy could be fulfilled.
What did Jesus say or do to pass the hours? :?

Constant masturbation until his dick fell off?

;)

-Nam
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"In the begiining God had multiple personality disorder, then after creating everything in a matter of days he found he was schizophrenic. Then before he became a genocidal tyrant he cried a lot, and promoted incest amongst His flock."

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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2013, 04:34:21 AM »
^ Nam, probably yes, but not as far as amputation  :o
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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2013, 04:36:44 AM »
"Pssst!! Hey Spook are you there?  Know anyone good in the laundry business?  Who does credit?"
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Offline relativetruth

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2013, 05:07:40 AM »
Maybe he used a (previously planted) portkey and snuck up to heaven to watch the suckers down on earth before going back just before Mary arrived!
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Offline Mrjason

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2013, 06:11:03 AM »
Quote from: William on September 16, 2013, 02:29:31 AM
Must've been pretty unpleasant and boring for Jesus.  Alone in the dark, dead silence, dehydrated, hungry, sore, scabby, and smelly.
Three long days and three long nights before the prophecy could be fulfilled.
What did Jesus say or do to pass the hours? :?

Turned all of the cave water into wine and got loaded for 3 days. I'm not surprised he felt like death.
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Offline Nick

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2013, 07:19:46 AM »
If He had only had a smart phone.  You could kill 3 days with a smart phone.
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Online ParkingPlaces

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2013, 08:38:58 AM »
He probably just said  "Alright! My own man cave! Thanks pop!"
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Offline Anfauglir

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2013, 08:47:49 AM »
Christians will tell you that for those three days, while his body was in the tomb, his "spirit" was in hell, where he was dealing with all the sins of every person every in the world compressed into a 3-day period.

Kinda like a massive stag do, I guess.
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Offline hickdive

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2013, 08:55:39 AM »
Candy Crush on his iPhone - the time just flew by.
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Offline Hatter23

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2013, 09:14:48 AM »
Quote from: Anfauglir on September 16, 2013, 08:47:49 AM
Christians will tell you that for those three days, while his body was in the tomb, his "spirit" was in hell, where he was dealing with all the sins of every person every in the world compressed into a 3-day period.

Kinda like a massive stag do, I guess.

Yes, he had a crappy three day weekend for your sins.
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An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

And you should feel guilty for this. Give me money.

Offline Nick

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2013, 09:24:47 AM »
Quote from: Hatter23 on September 16, 2013, 09:14:48 AM
Quote from: Anfauglir on September 16, 2013, 08:47:49 AM
Christians will tell you that for those three days, while his body was in the tomb, his "spirit" was in hell, where he was dealing with all the sins of every person every in the world compressed into a 3-day period.

Kinda like a massive stag do, I guess.

Yes, he had a crappy three day weekend for your sins.
Like being stranded on a Carnival Cruise.
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Yo, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Quit ragging on my Lord.

Tide goes in, tide goes out !!!

Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2013, 10:30:55 AM »
"Hey Father, remember that zombie thing we planned?  I've had time to think about tactics here in the dark ... the paparazzi will give them no peace ... let's keep it simple ... just a quick appearance for the record and then vaporize the smelly old buggers before their story grabs all the bandwidth."

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Matthew 27:52 and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised;  53 and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many.
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Offline William

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2013, 01:15:18 AM »
"Heavenly Father .... yes it's Me again ... what? ... oh yeah I'm feeling better after a long sleep, but hey I woke up with some fresh ideas - You got a pen ready? ... what? ... no it's too dark in here ... okay so I know we've only just launched this new Brand of Religion and it looks like going viral but I'm already getting some ideas for product life cycle extensions ... what? That's something I learned down here ... just write these down, I'll spell them out for You ... ready?:  STIGMATA... what? ... no I'll explain that later when I float up to You ... POPE ... SAINT ... CRUSADE ... PROTESTANT ... DENTAL MIRACLES ... HEAL AMPUTEES ... what? Too hard? Okay scrub that one, how about MORMON, that's a no brainer   :blank: ... enough for now, gotta go, somebody has come to help Me with the stone.  Love You too. Bye now."
« Last Edit: September 17, 2013, 01:17:05 AM by William »
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Offline Boots

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2013, 07:40:21 AM »
Quote from: Nick on September 16, 2013, 07:19:46 AM
If He had only had a smart phone.  You could kill 3 days with a smart phone.

Oh, get REAL!!  What smart phone battery lasts THREE DAYS?!?!  That would take some kind of miracle!
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Offline Tero

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #18 on: September 19, 2013, 11:47:46 AM »
And the stone, what kind Jesus can't perform a miracle of moving a large stone?

As for the time, he shone a magic light, enough to play solitaire with a (magic) deck of cards.
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Offline neopagan

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #19 on: September 19, 2013, 01:35:49 PM »
He had been away from his angelic pals (the only playmates he'd had for all eternity) for 30 some odd years, so I'm guessing it was a long weekend of sex...
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Offline Boots

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2013, 01:53:55 PM »
Quote from: neopagan on September 19, 2013, 01:35:49 PM
He had been away from his angelic pals (the only playmates he'd had for all eternity) for 30 some odd years, so I'm guessing it was a long weekend of sex...

"Just call me angel of the morning..."
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* Religion: institutionalized superstition, period.

* The existence of apologetics is evidence against the existence of the deity in question.

"We humans may never figure out the truth, but I prefer trying to find it over pretending we know it."  ~ParkingPlaces

Offline neopagan

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2013, 02:22:39 PM »
Why else were there a host of men hanging around the tomb Easter morning by all assorted accounts (some with a special glow still)?  I bet they were smoking Camels too... 
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If xian hell really exists, the stench of the burning billions of us should be a constant, putrid reminder to the handful of heavenward xians how loving your god is.  - neopagan

Offline Tero

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Re: Those three days in the tomb.
« Reply #22 on: September 20, 2013, 09:33:04 AM »
So Jesus woke up and zombie Jesus spent 40 days on earth.
http://www.christianbiblereference.org/story_Easter.htm

Then he went up to heaven in some sort of jet pack or escalator. What sid he do with the body? They have some sort of robot bodies for all of us in heaven. Or hell. The ones in hell don't last as long due to heat and corrosion.
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