In my many years of theism, I was never really comfortable with the idea of heaven.
As a nine year old, I distinctly remember crying in fear about all the heaven stuff - going somewhere I knew nothing about and had never experienced. My mother tried to console me with stories of streets of gold, lions roaming around peacfully, seeing old relatives (who I generally did not remember), and chatting with Jesus/Noah/Adam, etc. I found no comfort in those assurances, especially since they only reinforced my fears - it was all a strange and foreign place I had no frame of reference for or even a longing.
As a teen, I chafed about "witnessing" to people, because I was not comfortable trying to scare them with tales of hell and damnation, then pulling a bait and switch to sell Jesus and those streets of gold. Furthermore, I was lousy trying to sell heaven, since it creeped me out. Nedless to say, I was never a "soul winner" my baptist faith loved to make of its adherents.
As an adult, heaven was one of those many questions or uncomfortable notions I pushed to the back of my brain and soldiered on for the cause. I used to think, I would rather just die and be no more... can I "waive" heaven? Then came deconversion. I no longer have issues with heaven, at least no more than I have with Valhalla or Atlantis.! It does not exist, it cannot exist... and it all makes sense now.
I wonder, was I the lone believer who didn't look forward to going to that place as a believer? I still hang out with xians and they all make a big deal out of heaven; they love it and long for it they say, even claiming "this world is not their home" (a phrase that never made one lick of sense to me).
What say you... fellow former xians?