My SPAG god is not meeting my standards.

[junebug72]

Hey LPA, I'm sorry I'm so late in the thread but I wasn't sure exactly what to say.  My heart is with you.  I know the pain of letting a child go.  I had to do it once to get back on my feet.  I didn't have health problems in my way so he was back in my home in 6 months, but the day his dad came to pick him up I cried all day.  Moral of the story is we all survived it and it was good for my son to spend that time with his dad.  He is also an alcoholic drug addict.  Still struggles today.  My son doesn't want to be anything like him and he's doing a fine job.

I'm afraid if you give up on God now you will not discover the comfort I believe God wants you to have.  If you are more comforted by thinking God's not there, I respect that.  It is the most difficult to have trust when you are challenged. 

When you get through this, and I know you will, you will be stronger and wiser than ever.

I think your bad a$$ for serving this country.

[One Above All]

After giving you the +1 in your OP, I got access to The Shelter, so I thought I'd give you my opinion personally.

This is the only place I dare voice this opinion and why I hang around this forum.

Completely understandable. There are many things I don't feel comfortable sharing here either.

I know the majority of members here will reply that it is because he does not exist.

Too true.

But it is becoming clearer to me that I really am completely alone.

You are not alone. With the Internet, nobody is alone. Just being in this forum means you're not alone. If you want theists to advise you, simply ask for it. If you're looking for everyone's opinions, you'll get it.

The people at the church I go to don't know about my hardships; I haven't told them because they see me as the strong competent nurse I used to be.

Asking for help is not weakness. It takes more courage to ask for help than it does to deny that you need it.

Everywhere I turn for help has some reason to deny me.

Not in this forum, as evidenced by the replies.

No loving god would allow this to happen.

True.

My advice would be to find something that you like doing, as a sort of search for something to give your life meaning. I, for one, enjoy writing. Try it for yourself.

[screwtape]

Some info on migraines, in case you hadn't looked it up already
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Migraine
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-headache/DS00120/DSECTION=causes

[LoriPinkAngel]

Going to the Bronx to see the "headache specialist" tomorrow.  I just hope he/she doesn't specialize only in the upper left temple or some such bullshit.

[Quesi]

And take a moment to congratulate yourself for finding the strength to make the appointment and keep the appointment.  You are sick, and you are dealing with so much.  Please keep us updated. 

[Traveler]

I hope the specialist is helpful!!! Will be thinking of you tomorrow ...

[magicmiles]

And if all else fails, torch the house, claim the insurance payout and move to Australia. That's always a positive.

[LoriPinkAngel]

I wanted to move to Australia when I was little.  I had a penpal from there.

[junebug72]

I sure do hope that specialist finds a way to get you feeling good as new.  I'll be thinking of you.

[LoriPinkAngel]

The headache specialist (6th neurologist) that I saw seemed decent enough.  Discontinued one pill and gave me another.  Gave me a logical explanation why she would not prescribe pain meds for what seems to be nerve pain instead of just saying no.  She actually addressed the pain in my arm which isn't her field at all but she didn't think it should be delayed and sent me for xray immediately.  It would show any bone spurs or arthritis. etc. She offered an opinion (qualifying that this is not her specialty and she can't be sure) that I may have a torn rotator cuff and gave me a referral to the MD that would handle that.  Of course I will have to wait for them to call me after someone reads the xray and a torn rotator cuff can't be seen on an xray but she did other range of motion tests on me that are in her notes that would help diagnose it.  It was nice to have someone that actually went "above and beyond" for once. 

[Traveler]

Sounds like you finally found a doctor worth the name. I hope you get more information soon.

[Quesi]

Thanks for the update.  Please let us know if the change in meds has any effect.  And by all means, let the doctor know, either way!

[junebug72]

Sounds like things are starting to turn around for you.  Hope they keep getting better.

[LoriPinkAngel]

I had gotten a packet from Freddie Mac with papers to fill out for loan modification to possibly not lose my home.  Then I got a phone call today from the mortgage company telling me I was not eligible for any modification because of my lack of income and I needed to find a way to start making payments.  When I asked her why I got these papers from Freddie Mac if I was ineligible for these programs she was unable to give me a straight answer.  She then had the balls to say it was unfair to them that I was not making payments.  I flipped.  I said words to this effect:  "I'm so sorry that my disability has inconvenienced your multimillion dollar company... you poor babies, I feel so bad for you, I'll make sure to light a candle for you." 

[screwtape]

Dunno who your lender is, but beware - the banks have been (and probably still are) committing fraud.

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2013/06/21/2193571/banks-are-failing-to-comply-with-the-terms-of-the-foreclosure-settlement/

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2013/06/17/2166451/bank-of-america-foreclosure-bonuses-lying/

Has your health situation improved at all?

[LoriPinkAngel]

My health has not really improved.  I have a constant headache that no OTC meds relieve.  The neurologist said if I take narcotic pain meds I will end up with rebound headaches.  Right now I'm willing to take that risk if it means I spend any time with no headache. The medication she gave me to prevent headaches can take a month to have full effect.  They just don't get it that that's another month of misery for me.   My arm is getting worse.  My bicep muscle is nearly completely atrophied.  I've lost more than 50% of my range of motion.  My appointment to address that isn't until 7/18.  If something causes me to move it wrong it hurts so bad I get waves of nausea. The pain makes it difficult to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time.  So I sleep off and on all the time while trying to keep up with housework and do paperwork to save my house, car and fight off all the other bills and creditors.  When I do go to the doctors they say I look fine.  What do I have to do -- stop bathing, get some tattered clothing, go on a hunger strike so I can look bad enough to convince someone my condition is urgent enough to merit some treatment?  /rant

[Traveler]

Oh, Lori, this just sucks. I'm so very sorry that things are getting worse.

[junebug72]

Well that certainly doesn't seem right.  My heart is with you.

[LoriPinkAngel]

My BF just found out his mother has liver cancer.  So in the midst of my shit pain I have to try to be strong for him.  I have to complain a little less about my crap healthcare options.  She is in Cuba.  Crap laughs at their healthcare system.

[Quesi]

I'm so sorry.  You have to be strong for him, but he still has to be strong for you.  I'm guessing he doesn't have the resources to go?  How long has it been since he's seen his mom?  Losing someone far away is so different from losing someone close.  Does he have family here to share this hard time with?  People who love her?  You will need to support him through the waves of pain and grief. 

But that does not mean that your pain and fear and compounding problems are not still dominating YOUR life.  Your relationship needs to be about mutual support, and this is a time in which you both need lots of support.

I send you hugs and warm thoughts across cyberspace. 

[LoriPinkAngel]

Was hoping the pain would be less unbearable today so I will be able to do some fun things with my son.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  I am going to have to grit my teeth and fake it today.  I hate disappointing him when I can't do things.  I have been unable to do even the smallest things lately.  I want him to enjoy the holiday and I do love fireworks.

[LoriPinkAngel]

I posted the following on my facebook page:

"Today is the last day of my 40's. What a horrible year this has been when I thought it was going to be filled with so much hope. I don't even want to begin another decade if all I have to look forward to is isolation, poverty and pain. It is so difficult for me to reach out and admit I need help when I buried myself in my work and didn't get truly close to anyone or distanced myself from those I was close to. But I will not survive and I will lose everything I worked for if I attempt to make it alone. Now is when I need to find out if I really have anyone who wants to be a real friend. I am at a point where I need a support system in place and I currently do not have any. I have learned what my true priorities are now. I promise that when I regain my strength I will be supportive in return. I will never turn my back on anyone who is there for me."

I'm hoping that someone will respond to this appeal because I can't handle my situation alone anymore.
I have pretty much filed god & jesus along with santa and easter bunny at this point.  I decided it is preferable that there be no god than that there be a god who is ignoring me.  Hopefully I will find a friend who will be more attentive.

[Traveler]

Oh, Lori, I'm so very sorry you're feeling so low. Hugs to you, and I hope that you can find the support you need, and that you so deserve. I know how hard it is to reach out when you're feeling weak. It took great courage to do so. Best of luck to you in finding relief for your pain, and in getting the help and support you need.

[LoriPinkAngel]

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

You have to be strong for him, but he still has to be strong for you.

I've always felt like I've come in 2nd place behind his messed up 30 year old daughter who will never will grow up.  Now, forgive me for saying so, but I'm third.

I'm guessing he doesn't have the resources to go?  How long has it been since he's seen his mom?  Losing someone far away is so different from losing someone close.  Does he have family here to share this hard time with?  People who love her?

 
He has somehow managed to get there twice in the past couple of months.  He has paid his own way to see me once back in March.  His sister still lives in Cuba.  He has 2 brothers in the US, neither are disabled, both work full time, but he is the oldest.

You will need to support him through the waves of pain and grief. 

We have been through both of our fathers dying.

But that does not mean that your pain and fear and compounding problems are not still dominating YOUR life.

I feel bitchy and selfish.

Your relationship needs to be about mutual support, and this is a time in which you both need lots of support.

He tries.  He said she is getting worse fast.

I send you hugs and warm thoughts across cyberspace.

Much appreciated.  No further use for prayers.  Having a hard time telling people to stop.

[LoriPinkAngel]

The response to my facebook call for help was less than productive.  A couple gaggy offers of prayers.  A phone call to chat from an old friend who lives far away that I can vent with but can't offer more than moral support.  I should be talking and not isolating though.  A call from a "frenemy" who questioned me like a perp and made me feel judged and dirty.  An offer of support from my "stalker."  That story is too long to get in to here.  Basically no forward progress unless I accept help from the stalker.   

[LoriPinkAngel]

The doctor I saw today was a Physical Medicine Specialist.  She was very nice.  I continue to be freaked by doctors that are way younger than me.  She shot my arm up with lidocaine and cortisone and had me attempt to move it.  I couldn't move it much.  She concluded this probably means I have a full thickness tear of one of the rotator cuff muscles.  I need an MRI to verify this.  Of course the so efficient VA Healthcare System can't do this until 8/13/13.  Then it will probably be another month before I can see a surgeon then another month to schedule a surgery... But at least I got some pain pills.  I am not pain free but the pain is less severe.

[Quesi]

Thank you for the update.  I hope that her assumptions are correct, and that the MRI demonstrates the cause, and that surgery can fix it.

Any updates on your home?  Anything you care to share? 

[LoriPinkAngel]

Got a forclosure notice.  They refuse to hold for my disablilty claim to be completed. 

[Quesi]

Got a forclosure notice.  They refuse to hold for my disablilty claim to be completed.

Well dammit.  I know you have a lot on your plate, but you might spend this time while you are waiting for your various doctor appointments to make some phone calls.

Did you try the State Attorney General's office, that I linked before?  Or the Financial Empowerment Center?

It is my understanding that you have the right to contest the foreclosure once it has been issued.  I think you would have to go to court, and that might be one last chance to get a break until decisions are made about your benefits. 

I'm so sorry.  Please please please let me know if there are phone calls I can make for you, or foot work I can do to help.