It's all so very clear!
The places in the bible where god and/or Jesus seems to be a complete a$$ clown are metaphors, figurative, parables, hyperbole, only meant for the ancient Israelites, or poetry. Like the stuff about following all 613 of the OT laws to a jot and tittle (heh) including the treatment of slaves, the sacrificing of animals, keeping the Sabbath holy-- whatever that means-- and the abomination of eating delicious cioppino with a side of bacon.
That inconvenient-for-modern-urban-life stuff in the OT is not, under any circumstances, to be taken literally. Except for the part about not letting two men or two women get married in the eyes of the US federal government. (That's not actually in the bible anywhere, but it should have been, so it's literal.)
The stuff in the bible that makes god and/or Jesus look like a cool hippie dude is also to be taken literally. Jesus gave out food and medical care for free. He also hung out with a bunch of unemployed guys, partied with homeless people and hookers, drank wine, told random stories whenever anyone asked him a direct question.
Hey, Jesus reminds me of one of my uncles, who was also a cool hippie dude, but not a very good father to his abandoned children by several different women.
Unless you don't really want
to give away all your belongings and leave your family to help the less fortunate. Having lots of toys is the capitalist way, which is also not exactly in the bible, which is way more communist than Karl Marx, but it should have been, so it's literal. Not at all contradictory with the give all your belongings away bit.
So if there is anything god and/or Jesus said or did that you really don't want to do, then it's metaphor, parables, etc. Easy peasy.
Especially since god and/or Jesus did not say any of the following actually timeless, actually useful, actually helpful stuff:
don't kill anyone unless in defense of yourself or someone else;
don't have sex with anyone without their permission;
don't hurt children, the elderly or the disabled;
don't enslave anyone;
don't take advantage of anyone for your own gain;
don't mistreat people of different genders, sexualities or ethnicities;
don't abuse animals for fun or profit;
don't do nasty sh!t to the environment that you can't fix;
don't persecute people who do not believe the myths and legends of your faith or tell them they are going to hell.
That's only nine, off the top of my head, and any one of them would help humanity far better than the first four of the so-called "Ten Commandments".