10 things god wants you to remember
Yeah? I guaran-damn-tee that if a god actually
said these things, or any other ten (or however many) things in the classic Big Boomin' Voice (instead of leaving it to some faceless mook on Facebook)--that people would fuckin'
remember.
I will give you rest.
Not sure what this one's supposed to mean. Like, a good mattress? Or will he go to work for you once in awhile so you can have a day off to relax?
I will strengthen you.
"Strength" is a pretty obvious physical quantity. From this we should expect that Christian athletes and laborers would have obvious advantages over their unbelieving and other-believing competitors. Or at the very least, that Christians would have a noticeably greater degree of intestinal fortitude than ordinary mortals, like, say, Gandhi.
I will answer you.
Oh, this one ought to be pants-shittingly awesome! Just
think about having the ability to ask a question to a perfectly honest, infallible,
omniscient intelligence--and actually
get an answer?! Even if you only get one question a day, you could be a fucking
superhero!
I believe in you.
Hope ya don't mind if I don't return the favor...
I will bless you.
Dunno exactly what this means. +2 to hit? Double damage against Undead?
I am for you.
Another one that's pretty vague. On the plus side: it's also pretty open-ended, so Christians ought to get at least one full level in Badass out of this.
I will not fail you.
Make that, like,
ten levels.
I will provide for you.
SCHWEEEEEEET! *sings* Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii don't wanna work! I wanna bang on a drum all daaay!
I will be with you.
"Whaddaya
mean 'no evidence for God?!' He's right here! CHECKMATE, atheists!"
I love you.
D'awwwww, isn't that sweet? If he loves me at least as much as an actual person, I ought to be able to get a hug out of him once in awhile, right?
'Course, you go an' try to take something like this
seriously, the Christian will start backpedaling like nobody's business and frantically explaining with a
magnificent array of theological loop-o-planes why none of these things will ever have any actual, you know,
effects. Classic Lucy's Football:
"Here! Look at all these
wonderful things God will do!"
"Brilliant! Let's check this shit out!"
"Wait, you don't actually expect--" *YOINK!* "--oh, no, God doesn't actually
do stuff! Free will! And he's not, like, a genie or anything!"
"Oh. Actually, he's just
like a genie: non-existent."
