I am very sorry for your loss. The deaths of those we hold dearest is never easy to deal with, and often leaves us with more questions than answers, more fear than hope, and more anger than love. It is one of the most painful experiences one can have, and thus brings out some of our worst feelings and darkest moments.
On top of that, as an atheist I have no expectation whatsoever that I will see any of those people again. I never even really knew three of my grandparents, because those three were all dead by the time I was like 2. One of them died shortly after I was born. I will also never know them. Ever. One of them was a Captain in the 34th US Infantry (Red Bulls) Division, was in the Battle of Anzio, the Battle of the Bulge, chased Rommel all over North Africa, received 2 purple hearts and a Bronze star, and was an all around badass war hero. I would really love to hear those stories first hand, but never will.
I will also never again hear the laughter of a former co-worker of mine, who could always make me smile even when we were having a terrible day. Or a former service provider for a mutual client, who died not long at all after we had worked together for nearly a year to reunite a family; she died of cancer in her 30's. I will never again visit my elderly neighbor and listen to her gentle voice telling me about how she dug the basement to the house herself, with a shovel, at the "youthful" age of 50 something, or hear the trumpet of one of my high school marching band member who died of a terrible heart failure days before his birthday.
This seems awfully grim and depressing doesn't it? But I am doing them any good by sulking around about it, lamenting their loss to the point of madness, until it seems as though I will be broken of grief? No. It seems much more preferable to me to try to live my life to the fullest, because they can't. I should take advantage of opportunities and enjoy the small moments where things just seem perfect for a few minutes, because it WON'T last, we won't live forever, we don't get another chance.
Though I have myself a few times in the past cut myself our of anger and despair, I wouldn't really say that I was trying to kill myself. It still felt awful to do, and it was very difficult for others around me as well. But if someone were to succeed in killing themselves (not that it's really successful) they are cheating and hurting themselves the most. You rob yourself of the only chance you will get. Things can be bad, very bad, but they can always get better (or maybe worse, admittedly). Life is not a static thing. Sometimes those of us who just simply do not possess the same emotional courage as others deal with it a lot worse. I can certainly relate to that. But we can always get better, things can improve, and there is so much life out there to live.
When I was in college, I was dating a girl who turned out to be a little bit more than crazy (Borderline Personality Disorder, not a good thing at all). We had planned that I would come over to her place after I got out of work one particular night. So I arrived, and knocked and there was no answer. I kept knocking, without response, even though her car was there. Thinking she may have fallen asleep, I checked the door and found it unlocked. I went in, and was immediately hit by a sickly sort of smell, and also noticed blood stains on the floor. Fearing the absolute worst, I tried in vain to locate her. In her bedroom was a nearly gone bottle a vodka, a bloody razor blade with chunks of skin still stuck to it, and blood. Everywhere. You can't even imagine. I never realized that much blood could come out of one person. She had obviously walked about the house as she bled, because there were clear blood trails all over, and next to the phone, on the tarp which covered the floor (the living room was being painted) was a staggering puddle of blood.
Oh, that smell I mentioned? That was the smell of the blood. There was so much blood the very smell was nauseating. She had written several lines to Cradle of Filth songs, in blood, in large capital letters on the walls. You honestly can't even begin to imagine what this was like. It was like walking in on the Manson family murders. I eventually realized that i should call 911 because I can't even FIND her. After I did I notice the notebook near the phone, which I had only glanced at briefly because it appeared to contain only illegible scribbles and doodles. There was a note from her mom saying she had taken her to the hospital. To this day, I have no idea how she survived. She had cut her left arm so many times, that even though most of the wounds were too superficial to require stitches, her arm literally looked like ground beef. I still cannot forget the scene I saw that night, and I wish I could.
Friend, please trust me on this. What I just presented is not a path you want to take. Life can be dark and difficult, but we have an eternity of darkness to look forward to after death, there's no reason to get on the early train. And trust me, you don't want what I described above to be a loved one's last memory of your life, or a memory of your life at all. There are ways you can get help. We can cope with our grief. It is good to mourn the loss of those we love in their death, but we must balance it with a celebration of their life as well, and our own too, because we won't be there to weep when we are dead. That will be left to others.
Something I do like to do, as far as those who are no longer with us, is to visit their graves. It is a painful reminder, certainly, but it gives us an opportunity to be with them to the best extent possible. Talk to them even, who cares what other people think? If some asshole who was just praying wants to say something to me for talking to someone I cherish when they are dead, I'll remind them that I at least acknowledge that the person is actually DEAD, and isn't sitting a cloud, strumming a harp, singing the praises of an eternal Big Brother. We all have to find out own ways to cope with others deaths, but bringing about our own is not the way to do it. It should be something that celebrates life in some way. Start playing a musical instrument. Go canoeing. Travel to someplace you have always wanted to go. Meet knew people. Spend time with your kids. Adopt a puppy. Make a donation to your volunteer fire department. Become a foster parent. Do something your loved one always wanted to do and never got to.
This is the stuff that MATTERS, the stuff that we will miss most when we are on our death beds. And the only way we will live on is on the hearts and minds of those we love, which is the only way they can live on too, so continue living so that you can keep their memory alive within you as long as possible.
And if you really just need someone to talk to, I volunteer myself. If you want to you can join the forum and email or pm me or whatever. It's all good. Just don't forget that this is the only chance at life we get, so we had better not throw it away. There's no running out to the garbage can to see if you can get it back.