Author Topic: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device  (Read 2416 times)

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Offline Chronos

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Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« on: October 07, 2012, 05:43:08 AM »
Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device

Quote
The hands-free "sperm extractor" is a stand up device with a height-adjustable "massage pipe" that moves inward and outward from the main body of the sperm extractor. According to the manufacturer, the speed, amplitude and frequency can be adjusted by the user, which aims to provide a "warm" and "comfortable" feeling for users who find difficult to retrieve their sperm the traditional, manual way.

So, should I assume that Wolfgang failed to mention that they developed this for men who lack hands?


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Offline Nick

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2012, 06:12:51 AM »
JW will not like this.  More sinning.  Will this be covered by Obama Care? ;)
Yo, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Quit ragging on my Lord.

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Offline HAL

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2012, 08:15:20 AM »
If they can make it cook and clean too I'm in the market for one.

Offline jetson

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2012, 09:07:13 AM »
I'm thinking it might need some handles, and possibly some floor anchors.  Depending on the amount of sperm needed, of course.

Offline Nick

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2012, 09:10:01 AM »
See, Americans are falling behind in innovation already.

You know, it also takes care of that religious saying, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop".
Yo, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Quit ragging on my Lord.

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Offline Graybeard

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2012, 09:26:22 AM »
I wonder if they have had any rogue ones? "A small fault caused it to move at 22,000rpm and catch fire..."
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Offline JeffPT

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2012, 09:32:41 AM »
Does it come with the 'Not tonight dear, I have a headache' program? 
Whenever events that are purported to occur in our best interest are as numerous as the events that will just as soon kill us, then intent is hard, if not impossible to assert. NDT

Offline kindred

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2012, 09:45:42 AM »
I can't imagine the logistics of cleaning that thing up after every use, not to mention the risk of STDs due to half-assed cleaning.

I wonder if the tube can be angled up or down for "accuracy" in reference to the real thing?

Also, "sperm extraction machine?" Really? As if the intended audience wasn't mature enough to call it what it is with a straight face. It's a masturbation aide for god's sake!
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Offline Chronos

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2012, 10:18:46 AM »
I wonder if the tube can be angled up or down for "accuracy" in reference to the real thing?

Indeed. All men are not created equal. Up, down, right, left, all around ...



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Offline Nick

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2012, 12:24:13 PM »
When it malfunctions and you end up in the emergency room that might be an interesting conversation at the front desk. ;)
Yo, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  Quit ragging on my Lord.

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Offline Backspace

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2012, 02:42:05 PM »
Kind'a reminds me of the "orgasmitron" in the Woody Allen movie, Sleeper.

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Offline hickdive

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2012, 03:11:42 PM »
Surely this is not a Chinese invention? I'm almost certain it was originally designed by a young man of Kirkbean but the Chinese may have solved the problem of the 99th stroke.
Stupidity, unlike intelligence, has no limits.

Offline Graybeard

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2012, 02:29:35 PM »
I'd heard it was the Engineer on the good ship Venus. ; )
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce

Offline kindred

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2012, 12:00:44 AM »
I wonder if the tube can be angled up or down for "accuracy" in reference to the real thing?

Indeed. All men are not created equal. Up, down, right, left, all around ...

That was not what I meant but daaaaaaamn...

Different sexual positions=different angling of the vagina relative to the penis. Hurr durr. Guess you wouldn't know about that Mr. good ol' fashion missionary man. ;D
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Offline ParkingPlaces

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2012, 01:00:30 AM »
A country that has more males than females has to offer alternatives.

They'll be coming into this country soon. Labeled as Chinese mail-order brides.

Republicans won't mind these things coming into the country as long as they can get free samples. But if the machines start wanting to marry each other, watch out.

We should give the brilliant Chinese engineers who came up with these things a hand. But they don't need one.





Not everyone is entitled to their opinion. They're all entitled to mine though.

Offline Hatter23

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #15 on: October 09, 2012, 08:09:44 AM »
If they can make it cook and clean too I'm in the market for one.

Cook and clean?, hah...that's what I end up doing for both of us in addition to paying the bills.
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Offline natlegend

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2012, 01:51:58 AM »
Really? If I had a dick I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna stick it in something where hundreds of other guy's dicks had been before me... There ain't enough sterilisation in the world for that...  :o
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Offline jetson

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2012, 06:27:56 AM »
Really? If I had a dick I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna stick it in something where hundreds of other guy's dicks had been before me... There ain't enough sterilisation in the world for that...  :o

So, if you had a dick, you wouldn't have sex with Pamela Anderson, I guess?

Offline Hatter23

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #18 on: October 11, 2012, 06:50:27 AM »
So, if you had a dick, you wouldn't have sex with Pamela Anderson, I guess?

As sey as she is...Hep C is a deal breaker on that.
An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

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Offline Lazarus

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2013, 06:12:59 AM »
Really? If I had a dick I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna stick it in something where hundreds of other guy's dicks had been before me... There ain't enough sterilisation in the world for that...  :o

So, if you had a dick, you wouldn't have sex with Pamela Anderson, I guess?

You couldn't have picked an example of a woman who has actually been attractive in this millennium? Exactly how old are you?

Offline William

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2013, 06:53:20 AM »
I would not venture anywhere near that machine .... I once stuck my feet into a foot massager at Singapore airport only to find out rather painfully that Asians generally must have rather small feet  :o :'(
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Offline Garja

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2013, 10:03:21 PM »
anyone heard if this has been approved for private purchase?  I mean.... a friend of mine said something about "blah blah blah, cant get my sperm out blah, blah, blah".  Any word on cost?  Does it come with a lube-reservoir?  Again, for a friend.  :angel:
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Offline kcrady

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #22 on: January 14, 2013, 01:28:48 PM »
Does it come with the 'Not tonight dear, I have a headache' program?

No, it says, "I'm sorry Dave.  I can't do that."  Or, "Dave.  What are you doing Dave?  Why don't you sit down, take a stress pill, and think about this carefully."  OTOH, when the machine is willing and you're Doing It Right, it will say, "Dave.  My mind is going.  I can feel it."
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Offline kcrady

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #23 on: January 14, 2013, 03:31:57 PM »
If they can make it cook and clean too I'm in the market for one.

The Japanese are way, way ahead of China in the race to make a Stepford Spouse:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=MaTfzYDZG8c



So, let's imagine it's 20 years in the future, and climate change and the downslope of cheap fossil fuel production haven't started dragging us toward James Howard Kunstler's "World Made by Hand."  There are male and female robots that look at least this realistic.  They're smart enough to cook, clean, do household repairs, and perhaps keep a baby or toddler from hurting itself, but they're not sapient people.  Conversationally, imagine that they are to Siri what an XBox 360 is to a 1980's vintage Atari console, their knowledge base is Google (or its equivalent 20 years from now) but they have no wants, desires, or opinions of their own.  And of course they are fully usable for sex.

In other words, both men and women can buy a "perfect," pliable robo-spouse that does what they want it to and never complains or has a bad day.  You can have them customized to look like a celebrity (the celeb gets a royalty).  And let's assume that they're at least as cheap as an automobile, so that most people in developed countries can afford one.  High-end luxury models would have less Uncanny Valley-ness, be capable of more sex positions and whatnot, have longer battery life, etc.. 

Would this be the end of interaction between human males and females?  If this sort of technology existed for awhile, would we see separate male and female civilizations, with maybe some outliers in the LGBTQH (the "H" standing for "Human," i.e., those unusual that still wanted to have sex with other humans)?
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Offline pianodwarf

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #24 on: January 14, 2013, 04:01:09 PM »
Would this be the end of interaction between human males and females?

Not entirely.

Quote
If this sort of technology existed for awhile, would we see separate male and female civilizations, with maybe some outliers in the LGBTQH (the "H" standing for "Human," i.e., those unusual that still wanted to have sex with other humans)?

Different people and societies will respond to this differently.  (Note I say "will", not "might".  This is going to happen, it's inevitable.)  Some people, particularly those with difficulties in social interaction, will opt for an artificial person as a companion.  Adherents to various religions -- probably not all, but certainly some -- will condemn this creation as "playing god" and/or call the robots "tools of the devil", the ramifications of which I would think are pretty self-evident.  There will also be people who, for various reasons, will have no objection to others having robo-companions but will still prefer human interaction for themselves.  A robotic spouse will presumably not be an option for those who wish to have offspring, and that will continue to be a large chunk of the population.  There are doubtless a number of other attitudes that will emerge as well.  And I can't help but wonder what kind of foolish edict will be bleated forth from the Vatican.

This question has been explored -- albeit rather badly, unfortunately -- in the extremely cheesy Eighties sci-fi movie, "Cherry 2000".  Twenty years ago, I would probably advise you to watch it some rainy Sunday afternoon when you're bored and have nothing else to do.  These days, at least in my opinion, getting bored is becoming increasingly difficult, especially if you have high-speed Internet, but there it is.
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Offline The Gawd

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Re: Chinese Hospital Offers Handsfree Sperm Extraction Device
« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2013, 07:06:43 AM »
this may be the answer to my male abortion rights thread...