Truth OT,
Is there something you can change about the life you are living now? What obstacles are in your way that need to be removed so you can make the change? Do you have a timeline of when this change could be implemented?
Those are all rhetorical questions. Basically in my life I practice the serenity prayer, minus the prayer part.
Something like: "Through my efforts, I gain the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
[1]It's very simple to put in to practice and helps remove the type of emotional backfire I feel in your post.
On a side note; I've noticed over the years that I grow tired of the people in my life. I really feel like a twisted person when I think about how much I resent having to put on a pretty smile and be who other people want me to be. But I need certain things out of people so I have to give them what they want.
Such as at work. I work in a corporate environment in customer service. I'm one of the highest levels of escalation so I get to deal with a lot of angry people all day long. In particular here lately one man that I'd really like to tell to fuck off. I really don't like this guy, he gives me the creeps, he duplicates my workflow, and just generally makes my job as unenjoyably as possible. But I need my job to provide for my family. I need my boss to be happy with my performance so that I can keep my job. But I'm also not a whipping boy. This person crosses the line and I can't be walked all over. So, I play the game. I report the problems up the corporate channel and we formulate a plan that should in theory put this person in line. I will still have to work with this person but their leash just got shorter.
In my personal life I'm surrounded by people who have higher emotional needs than I do. This one person in particular finds it necessary to whiplash her sarcasm around every time something doesn't go her way. I find it hard to hold back my tongue with her because I feel like she should speak to me with more respect. But I really like her son and he means a lot to me. I don't want to tarnish their relationship and therefore my own relationship with him so I watch her behave like a 2 year old and move on. I'm sure I could express how I feel in a politically correct fashion but the risk/reward isn't worth my personal investment. Which, and this is the kicker, then makes me just as responsible for when she behaves this way. I can't blame her for the way she talks to me when I've yet to tell her it upsets me.
I consider myself to be a very selfish and controlling person. But I also have to work with in the confounds of the relationship dynamics. If I want to get what I want out of the situation I have to invest in to what the other party wants. Failure to do so means my needs aren't met. I like it when my needs are met, so by default I like meeting other people's needs. I admit to getting a little worked up over the process at times but I've yet to find a loop hole that doesn't alienate and isolate me from the rest of the world.
