Author Topic: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?  (Read 322 times)

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Offline One Above All

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Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« on: May 05, 2012, 06:16:07 AM »
Yes, this thread is a joke (sort of). It's mostly for satire, which is why I didn't put it in the "Biblical Contradictions" section. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.



As you most likely already know, Jesus came down to Earth, did some minor miracles, like healing diseases (that would've been healed anyway if he had just bothered to give people knowledge of antibiotics), made blind people see (which they wouldn't have needed if he had bothered to protect them), fed the hungry (which they wouldn't have needed if he had bothered to give them knowledge of fertilizers) and others. Then the dude got himself crucified in order to offer himself as a sacrifice to himself so that he could forgive everyone. Then he came back to life "three" days later and left, since things were getting just a little too heated for him.


Then you have Noah. The dude gets a message from the big man himself, saying that he's gonna kill everything on Earth, and that he wants him and his family to built an ark to save two of every animal (minus the fish; screw those little bastards), as well as themselves. The guy was over 400 years old at the time (some "sources" say 480) and finished the ark by the time he was 600. That's 200 years of working on a boat large enough to house two of every species of animal. The flood came, just like YHWH said, and the guy, with his wife and kids (who presumably were also old as **** at the time), get on the boat and it rains for 40 days and 40 nights until everything is decimated.
Right off the bat you have a guy who's older than any human on the planet building a boat with his wife and kids. Then what does he do? He sits on the boat, cleaning up after the animals at every turn, keeping them from eating each other and somehow feeding them, until YHWH decides that everything is pretty dead and the waters start receding. The guy ends up on Mount Everest, or something like that, and finally gets off.
Then what does the 600 year old guy do? He manages to multiply the animals from 2 of every species to at least 16 of every species, so that he can sacrifice 14 to YHWH (killing everything wasn't good enough; he needed more sacrifices to amuse him). But that's not all! Afterward, he manages to repopulate the Earth (don't ask me how; my guess is that YHWH didn't tell him about genetic problems caused by incestuous relationships) in, what? Two, three weeks? Remember - there isn't a single piece of text missing from that time! In fact, he managed to recreate entire civilizations from scratch, and picked up where they left off - wars, language, culture and everything - without even breaking a sweat.
But that's still not the best he did. Not only did he manage to repopulate the Earth in a very short amount of time (with people and animals), but he also made certain that there would be absolutely no trace of it anywhere.

And yet that still pales in comparison to the circumstances surrounding his very existence. Noah was a tree. That's right: a tree. Don't believe me? Consider this - how did he survive without any oxygen and plant life? How did his kids survive? How did he feed all those animals? How did he build such a large boat without anyone noticing the deforestation? Why did it take him so long? Why did he live to be almost one thousand years old?
No, my friends, Noah was a tree.
The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
Why settle for normal, when you can be so much more? Why settle for something, when you can have everything?
We choose our own gods.

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Offline velkyn

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2012, 01:01:20 PM »
In fact, he managed to recreate entire civilizations from scratch, and picked up where they left off - wars, language, culture and everything - without even breaking a sweat.

my favorite part  ;D
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

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Offline One Above All

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2012, 11:02:56 AM »
my favorite part  ;D

Really? My favorite was the revelation at the bottom. You gotta admit that's a pretty good explanation. How else would he have been able to create millions of children in a few weeks? There's only one type of being on this planet (that I know of) that's capable of doing that. Note that bacteria don't count because they wouldn't be able to build a boat, not to mention that they can't live for 900 years.
The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
Why settle for normal, when you can be so much more? Why settle for something, when you can have everything?
We choose our own gods.

A.K.A.: Blaziken_rjcf/Lucifer/All In One.

Offline velkyn

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2012, 11:17:04 AM »
you're right. :)  but how Tree-Noah got all of those animals aboard is a "miracle"  ;D
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

http://clubschadenfreude.wordpress.com/

Offline One Above All

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2012, 11:18:35 AM »
you're right. :)

So you believe in Tree-Noah now? ;D

but how Tree-Noah got all of those animals aboard is a "miracle"  ;D

See "Evan Almighty". Everything's explained there. :P
The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
Why settle for normal, when you can be so much more? Why settle for something, when you can have everything?
We choose our own gods.

A.K.A.: Blaziken_rjcf/Lucifer/All In One.

Offline velkyn

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2012, 12:27:48 PM »
So you believe in Tree-Noah now? ;D

the new "what God really meant by that story"  :)
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

http://clubschadenfreude.wordpress.com/

Offline Jag

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #6 on: May 08, 2012, 06:13:57 PM »
Lucifer, this is wonderful!

I'm going to start finding ways to reference "Tree-Noah" now. That ought to get a few conversations started at my very conservative workplace.
My tolerance for BS is limited, and I use up most of it IRL.

Offline freakygin

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2012, 07:43:43 PM »
Suddenly, Noah sounds a lot like Yggdrasil  :o
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Offline velkyn

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2012, 08:34:10 AM »
Suddenly, Noah sounds a lot like Yggdrasil  :o

yep, sans really big snake around it  ;D
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

http://clubschadenfreude.wordpress.com/

Offline One Above All

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Re: Noah - more powerful than Jesus?
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2012, 08:49:02 AM »
That'd actually make sense, considering that christianity just copied whatever myths were available at the time.
The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
Why settle for normal, when you can be so much more? Why settle for something, when you can have everything?
We choose our own gods.

A.K.A.: Blaziken_rjcf/Lucifer/All In One.