The New Truth

[jeremy0]

I want to play a game.  We will write a divine creation story full of magic, fortune-telling, and fairy-tales.  Should be amusing...

I'll start..

[jeremy0]

In the beginning, there was the spirit of Goddam Asshole who was hovering over two membranes.  He didn't like the membranes, and he drew his sword, because the His Father, Fallcary, told Him to do as he whilst.  So he wielded his sword, and smote the two membranes.  They collided, and out of it - an amazing thing happened - Saturn was created. 

The planet gave him so many ideas, so he also smote the second membrane, and the third, and kept smiting until he had smitten them all, and created the Sun, the moon, then the Earth, the other planets, all the way to the dust of other heavens.  He was impressed at his awesome power, so Goddam Asshole created life on Earth - and called it baccerius...
[see post below - adjusted just to smite me.. ]
(continue with your own stuff)

[Historicity]

Smite, smote, smitten

I want my holy books to use their archaic grammar correctly archaically.

[freakygin]

Baccerius was very very lonely, He's depressed enough to smack his head against the trees, every single day.
So Goddam feel pity for him and decide to create female companion called Bicthus
And then, Baccerius and Bicthus started to have their offspring, called Bastardus

After decades, Bastardus have hundreds siblings and they all live in peace.

But Goddam are mad
"What the *beep* are you doing! This is wrong! You shall kill each other! Entertain me! Eat your brother over there!"

Bastardus : "What? Why?"
Goddam : "Because i told you so, that's why!"
Bastardus : "But i like to eat plants"
Goddam : "Your brother taste better, now shut your jaw and i'll give you weapon to kill your brother. Ta-da!"
Bastardus : "Ewww, what's this sharp thing in my mouth and fingers"
Goddam : "That's called fang and talon my dear, now kill your brother"
Bastardus : "Do i really have to?"
Goddam : "You want me to go to your brother instead and tell him to eat you?"
Bastardus : "*Sigh* Fine... I'll do it"
Goddam : "Good boy"

Bastardus : "Sucktobeyous, i'm going to eat you"
Sucktobeyous : "You're joking right?"
Bastardus : "Nope, Goddam made me do this"
Sucktobeyous : "Can't you just told him to *beep* off?"
Bastardus : "I guess... But i'm still going to eat you anyway"

Goddamn watch Bastardus kill and eat Sucktobeyous. Goddam is pleased.
"That's what i'm talking about..."

[Timtheskeptic]

In the beginning there were two entities, a brother and a sister, they were fighting. They both had created explosive bombs and each bomb collided, creating millions and millions of little solar systems. Their father soothes the two youthful entities with knowledge of art and peace. They settle down with one solar system and found a planet they like and it's called Earth. They created every living thing there is. Then they had disagreements about how to create humans and they fought each other again and had fumbled up the design of a human body.

[jeremy0]

Goddam: now Bastardous, you are what we call a 'zombie'.  You have pleased me, so you will never die.  You are actually dead already, but since I injected you with holy fangs, you now have life eternal..
Bastardous: what?
Goddam: don't f*ing question my authority!!!
Bastardous: Goddammit...

Bastardous now roams the lands, in search of others like Sucktobeyous to grip by the spinal chord, rip out the intestines and eat the brains..  and they were delicious.

Then, a miracle happened.  Bastardous started to decay..

[freakygin]

Bastardus : "Goddam, why am i rotting?"
Goddam : "Ah, that's because you have sinned"
Bastardus : "Sinned! What the *beep*, i only did what you told me to do"
Goddam :
"See, that's where you are mistaken, you are supposed to do what's right, not what you're told"
"You have free will, i give you that, yet you never use it."
"So, instead of telling me to *beep* off in the first place, you just mindlessly obbey my command"
"Thus you have Sinned, because what you did is wrong"



Bastardus : "But i thought you're going to made Sucktobeyous to kill me instead if i didn't obbey your command"
Goddam : "Yes, i did intended to do that"
Bastardus : "So why am i the one who sinned!!!"
Goddam :
"Shut your jaw! You missed the point! The point is, now Sucktobeyous descendants are worshipping me"
"They are praying to me, to be saved from you"
"See? How can i ignore THAT"

Bastardus : "What?"
Goddam : "I know you'll understand... Now scram"

Bastardus is really confused
Goddam is please
"Kikiki, this is fun..."

[jeremy0]

(2,000 years pass)
Goddam: "Bastardous - I have a task for you now.  BTW - you look like a ghoul.."
Bastardous: "WTF is your problem?  Aren't you happy with people worshipping you?"
Goddam: "F@ck off, you bastard!  I'm tired of these whiny worshippers always demanding things from me - do you know the effort it takes to change the trajectory of a football in mid-flight?  These people have gotten so ignorant, it's sickening"
Bastardous: "But you said 2,000 years ago that you were pleased these people were worshipping you.."
Goddam: "My Father said - 'do as thou wilt'  And I am wilting something different.."
Bastardous: "You suck.."

(silence)
Goddam "I want you to screw with these people - I'm making you into a ghost now.  You will transcend time and space - you will be an infection to these people - you will cause them to do crazy things and sin in my name.  Don't worry - I'll blame it all on you, then save you later.."
Bastardous: "But these people aren't that bad compared to 2,000 years ago"
Goddam: "You were eating all of their brains.."
Bastardous: "Just 'cause you told me to"
Goddam: "That's no excuse for your sins.  Now do as you're told, or I will burn all of creation.."

[freakygin]

Goddam :
"It's been a while since i gave that task to Bastardus"
"Now where's that good-for-nothing Bastardus... Damn, i guess he's slacking off"
"Now let's see how Sucktobeyous descendants doing down there"

"Whoa, look at that hottie... To think that those lowlife could give me a hard on.."
"Let's disguise myself as an angel of love (Libidous), voila~!"

Libidous : "Hello sweet thing, wanna have some fun?"
Prostitus : "What? But, i'm engaged"
Libidous : "To whom? That stupid carpenter? Come on now. you know i'm thousand times more handsome than he is"
Prostitus : "But i don't think that's right..."
Libidous : "Even with this 1 feet long 4 inch wide bad boy?"
Prostitus : "Barn! Now!"
Libidous : "Oh behave... Yeah baby..."

Later

Hos : "Prostitus! How could you do this to me! You're pregnant!"
Prostitus : "Trust me dear, this is from an Goddam, he told me that this boy will be king of kings"
Hos : "What? Goddam himself just *beep* you?"
Prostitus : "Well, i guess he did..."
Hos : "Praise Goddam!!! We are so blessed, and we shall name this boy Lunaticus"

Goddam is pleased
"That was good..."

[jeremy0]

Lunaticus grew to be a carpenter, because he liked woodies... er, wood. 

Lunaticus sold many of his wood carvings to rich women - they found them enjoyable, but complained of spliters..
Then, they rebelled against Lunaticus, saying he had betrayed them - they forced him out of town.

Lunaticus: "Goddammit - what should I do now?"
Goddam: "You are my son.  Go and preach to them.  They will listen"
Lunaticus: "But they just cast me out of town for causing them harm"
Goddam: "What you will preach will be hidden from their knowledge - only the righteous will understand you."
Lunaticus: "What is this 'righteous'?"
Goddam: "It is a term we use for the people we prefer.."
Lunaticus: "But I prefer every woman - for they are all equal in my eyes.  Who shall I prefer?"
Goddam: "Nobody.  That is why it will be hidden from them.  But they will worship you now instead of me"
Lunaticus: "Why should they worship me instead of you - you're the one that created them. Aughghh!"
Goddam: "That's right - don't question me!  I'm tired of these people - it's in your hands now."
Lunaticus: "I'm going to make them fight over scraps!  And torture themselves!  And send them to an evil creation of mine!  Then, I'll secretly say they are 'saved through my death'.  Brilliant!"...
(silence)
Goddam: "whatever you say, Lunaticus - they are in your hands now - but I demand Bloodshed in my name before I forgive anyone.  Let's just say your blood will suffice"
Lunacicus: "Exactly - my blood will be given to them as a sacrifice.  Then they will see the errors in their ways.."

Lunaticus begins to prepare his testimony...

[freakygin]

Lunaticus is pretty smart, his plan is way ahead.

Lunaticus :
"First, i'm going to need 4 people to write the story about ME, who wants to volunteer?"

Liarus : "I'll do it"
Arseus : "I can do it"
Jerkus : "Me too"
Dorkus : "Ditto"

Lunaticus :
"Good, all of you have to do is just write about how GOOD i am, capische!?"

Liarus :
"Do we have to mention that you got so wasted on THAT wedding party?
"You really did good back then, You mix the tequilla and you just invented Margarita!"
Lunaticus : "Idiota!!! You'll make me look like *beep*ing alcoholic!!!"
Dorkus : "Dude, let's just say that he changed the cheap Beer into Tequila, and the bride was very happy"

Lunaticus :
"Genius!!! And i'm going to need 1 person to betray me, so it'll draw sympathy and make me look innocent"
"Traitorus, how about you do it?"

Traitorus : "Me? Why me? But last night you said you love me"

Lunaticus : "Shut yer yapping!!! It's just one night stand! Don't ever bring that up!"

Liarus : "We can hear you, you know..."

And then their "Salvation Plan" began

Lunaticus is pleased.
"Damn, i'm good..."

[jeremy0]

(200 years pass)

Goddam: "Where the hell is Lunaticus??"
Bastarduous: "Remember me? You Asshole? "
Goddam: "What do you want Bastardous - I thought I made you into a Ghoul.."
Bastardous: "No - my flesh just kept rotting and I kept feeding on brains...."
Goddam: "I was looking for Lunaticus..."
Bastardous: "Oh - I saw him on a mountain 150 years ago - convinced him he could fly, so he jumped to his death off of a cliff...  haha!"
Goddam: "You bastard!"
Bastardous: "That's why you created me, Goddam - he was a lunatic anyway.."
Goddam: "That's it - I'm going to make people write books about his life, even though he didn't live it, and make up magical stories.  He's going to be remembered as a God"
Bastardous: "I don't really care.."
Goddam: "I'm also going to put all the blame on you.  Everybody will fear you"
Bastardous: "So what, I'm a bastard.."

(Goddam causes people to have visions and write holy texts..)

[jeremy0]

Bastardous: "Goddammit - I have something to say!"
Goddam: "What is it now, bastardous?"
Bastardous: "You may not have realized it, but the actual way Lunaticus died was because of his followers..."
Goddam: "What??"
Bastardous: "It was easy - instead of eating their brains, I just bit them - and they became like me.  Now I have legions of followers - a zombie mansion is being built.."
Goddam: "What are you getting at now, bastardous?  I don't understand.."
Bastardous: "I've found a way to spread - I took a photo of when Lunaticus died - here it is..."
(silence)


Bastardous: "Heehee! "
Goddam: "I can't help but laugh - bastardous, I am still not happy with you.."

[jeremy0]

...and so, Bastardous terrorized the earth.  It has only been in existence for 2,200 years - as Goddam created the Sun, then the Moon, then the Earth, and all the remaining lights in the heavens were born out of a game Goddam had as a kid where you place lighted up bars into a pattern.  A talk show host commonly used the star pattern as his background for quite some time, as he was truly a believer in the stars..

As Goddam created the Earth, he created man first.  Then, he created birds, then fish, then algea, then reptiles called 'dragons' or as baccerious would term them 'terranical dinosaurs'..

But nothing could stop Bastardous from feasting on the brains of the villagers, along with his legion of zombies.  So people began to prepare for the zombie apocalypse - a battle between zombies and human-cyborgs...

So as Bastardous and his gang of zombies were building a castle to prepare for the fight, Goddam confused them, causing them to only say 'brains, brains....' over and over.  Bastardous was confused, along with the rest of his tribe of zombies...  This even t became known as 'the tower of brains'.

[freakygin]

Goddam :
"Damn that Bastardus, he's going out of control! I must do something"
"Hey, you! Floodus! Go and make a really huge cruise ship!"

Floodus : "What? Cruise ship?? Why? I live in this goddamn desert, there's no water until the next 100 miles"
Goddam : "Because Bastardus and his stupid army are out of control! And i'm going to punish them with great flood to wash that damn tower!"
Floodus : "Uh, okay, but i heard Bastardus tower are on northpole or something, so why i must make a cruise ship HERE?"
Goddam : "Duh! Because i want to save you and your kids from the flood! Heloo..?"
Floodus : "Just me and my kids? How about my mom? My cousin? my neighbour?"
Goddam : "Shut up! Do you prefer i save your cousin and let you drown instead??"
Floodus : "But.."
Goddam :
"No buts! You should be grateful! I choose you!!"
"Now go and make a huge cruise ship and fill them with everything on this list"

Floodus : "Where do i get the wood from? There is only coconut here"
Goddam : "That, my dear.. Is your problem, not mine"

Later

Kids : "Uh dad... Why didn't Goddam just give the flood on northpole?"
Floodus : (Never question the Lord, Son, or else)
Kids : "Okay... But what the hell is a panda anyway? Never heard of it.."
Floodus : (Psst! Shut up! The lion might hear you! We'll talk later after we catch that lion)

Floodus and his family working so hard, and really confused.
Goddam is pleased
"I am so kind... I'm trying to save Floodus and his family..."

[jeremy0]

Floodus is at sea for many days..

Floodus: "We need food - bad.  Why the hell did Goddam make us do this?"
Floodiora: "Honey, it's because of all the evil in the world"
Floodus: "But we haven't eaten in 3 days.."
Floodiora: "Maybe we should make an offering. Then Goddam may give food"
Floodus: "Brilliant!"

Floodus and Floodiora set fire to wooden ship to sacrifice all the animals, birds, and dinos..

Floodus: "We have all this food now - and our life-raft is working quite well"
Goddam: "Floodus - what have you done?"
Floodus: "I made you a burnt offering so we can eat - care for some lion hide?"
Goddam: "Hmm.. sounds delicious.  I'll partake in this meal.."
Floodus: "Oops - Goddam, sorry, we ate all the animals."
Goddam: "I can remake the animals.  I made them too scary last time.  This time I'll make you nice looking ferns, trees, and lots of bunnies, to reflect you and Floodiora.."

Floodus: "Praise Asshole!"
Goddam: "Watch you mouth, Floodus - I did this for the good of mankind.  You're the only one left."
Floodus: "All of mankind died?  I thought you just flooded for the zombies.."
Goddam: "Floodus, those people weren't worthy of me.  I chose you and Floodiora as my new, ah, people."
Floodus: "Wow!  Thanks!"
Goddam: "I'll land you on the top of a mountain.  Then, the waters will recede.  I'll send the waters to Venus, and start a colony of Galumptrions there.."
Floodus: "I look forward to making friends on Venus.  This is so cool!"

Goddam pleased... (this is ridiculously amusing..) lol

[jeremy0]

..and so, Floodus landed on a mountain top.  And the waters began to recede.
Floodus immediately built a campfire and began to smoke pixie-dust..

Floodus: "We've finally made it"
Kids: "Hooray!  But, get some clothes on.."
Floodiora: "We've got to build a new society"
Goddam: "Yes, you have to repopulate the entire planet now"
Floodus: "There's a lot of whoaa, *blurp*.."

So Floodus lived to be 250,000 years old, and so did his kids live long lives, all for the purpose of the blessing of Goddam to repopulate the planet.  Until finally, they lived to be about 25 years old before death.  Goddam was pleased - he learnt all their nameus.  One was Illudius, another Idiosynchronous, another Aduaciosious, all the way to the sibling rivalries of Incomprehendus and Inbredius.. 

War was abundant amongst tribes, and so Goddam became agitated in the heavens.  The heavens were the clouds, where Goddam hung up lights, cameras, and fluffy flooring that moved about the earth.  Everyone knew Goddam angry, because of the thunder, lightning, tornados and hurricanus.

Goddam: "Father, every attempt I have made to save these people has failed - what do I do?"
Fallcary: "Goddam Asshole - you just haven't learned how to deal with these matters"
Goddam: "then teach me.."
Fallcary: "Have no further involvement with these people.  They will be saved if they believe you exist.  If they do not, then they will die by the hands of Bastardous for ever and ever.."
Goddam: "Is that really going to work?"
Fallcary: "Of course - you can save the ones that believe in you, and screw the rest - it's brilliant!"
Goddam: "I want to smite Bastardous for making me flood the earth.."
Fallcary: "You will - by giving to him all the ones that you don't like.  That will take care of everything."
Goddam: "Brilliant!"
Fallcary: "And you'll also be sure that the people you save, are mindless enough to do everything you tell them to do, without question.  If they are mindless enough to believe in you when you do nothing, they will be mindless enough to be completely controlled"
Goddam: "OK.  This sounds good to me.."

All the evidence of the zombie-apocolypse were taken to heaven, along with the cyborg shops and bodies.  The floods washed away everything.  There was nothing for Floodus to prove that it ever happened..

[freakygin]

Because of human nature, war can't be avoided.
Floodus descendants fights among each other over territories.
Later, the Inbredius descendants are enslaved by Incomprehendus empire.

Goddam :
"This is no fun, they should fight back"
"Hey Prince, i want you to free those slaves and lead them to faraway land"

Prince : "What? Why would i want to do that?"
Goddam : "Because i have prepared something better for those slaves"
Prince : "Just those slaves? What about us? Do you also prepared something good for us too?"
Goddam : "Well, not exactly.. But i assure you'll get famous for this"
Prince : "Uh, okay.. What should i do?"
Goddam : "Well, tell your dad that you are going to free those slaves. Ask him nicely. Say please."
Prince : "That's it?"
Goddam : "Yes, but i will make him so damn stubborn, he'll refuse your idea"
Prince : "What? why don't you just make him soft?"
Goddam : "Shut up! My plans are perfect! And tell him, if he refuse, i'll make him regret his decision"
Prince : "But i really do think it's better if you make him soft and let me go"
Goddam : "Just do it will you!"

Prince are so confused, but he do it anyway.

Prince : "Uh dad.. I want to free those slaves and lead them to faraway land.. Will you let us go? ...Please...?"
King :
"Son.. Actually i was just thinking to let the slaves go. They are old and useless, and they eat like a cow"
"But i don't know why, today i feel so stubborn. I don't want to let them go, even though actually i wanted to"

Prince : "But dad, if you refuse, Goddam will punish you!"
King : "I KNOW!!! But Suddenly i want to be so damn stubborn! I thought i have free will.."
Prince : "You will regret your decision dad..."
King : "What can i do, son? Please! Please tell him to make me soft! I don't want to be punished! Boo hoo hoo.."

Later

Goddam : "What! The king refused? That damn King, now i will give him disaster so great! He'll cry!"
Prince : "He already did"

Disaster 1 :
Water turned into cheap beer.. The soldiers are greatly depressed, they never getting sober

Disaster 2 :
Gecko everywhere.. The King and his soldiers can't sleep from the sound they made. Tokay.. Tokay..

Disaster 3 :
Mosquito everywhere. Itchy so bad..

(King : "Please stop!! Please make me soft.. I don't want being stubborn..")

Disaster 4 :
Butterflies everywhere.. Hey! This is not bad..

Disaster 5 :
Suddenly the cow are mad, the chicken are getting cold, they sneeze. The pigs catch flu too.

Disaster 6 :
Fungus everywhere. Well, this is annoying..

(King : "I don't even care anymore... Do whatever you want.. Why am i so stubborn?")

Disaster 7 :
Rain and thunder everywhere, don't forget to bring your coat and umbrella.

Disaster 8 :
Crickets everywhere.  Actually the folks love the sound they made.

Disaster 9 :
So bright, well, this is depressing, the king can't sleep.

Disaster 10 :
The firstborn become hyperactive. They can't be controlled. Breaking things on the house.

King : "ENOUGH!!! Please just go!!! don't ever come back!!! Hey... i got my free will back.."

And finally, the prince free those fat slaves and lead them to faraway land.

Goddam is pleased
"I just saved a nation..."

[jeremy0]

For the sake of not running amuck the entire bible, let's just throw a party on Revelation-bashing and call it good..   

[jeremy0]

Freed Slave: "Look - I found a sacred text - it must have been inspired by Goddam, because I can't make sense of any of it..."
Freed Slave 2: "Are you sure it's just not the writing of some crazy person?"
Freed Slave 3: "Look, it's so magical!  There's no way a human could have come up with this nonsense.."
Freed Slave 4: "Look - it tells all about the end of the world.."

Slaves start to read out 'Revelashun'...

[freakygin]

The freed slave finally settled on a beautiful land.
With beach and waterfall, it's trully a paradise.

Ex Slave 1 : "Look, this text describe the sign when the end of the world is near"
Ex Slave 2 : "What does it say?"
Ex Slave 1 : "The first sign is... The sun will rise from the east, and set in west."
Ex Slave 2 : "uh oh, this is bad... That's already happened."
Ex Slave 3 : "What? But i thought the sun always rise from west and set on east.."
Ex Slave 2 : "That's from where you stand! You have to look from my where i stand!"
Ex Slave 3 : "Damn, you're right"
Ex Slave 2 : "What's the next sign?"
Ex Slave 1 : "The second sign is... Chicken will still walk even after it's head cut off"
Ex Slave 2 : "What? I didn't knew that.. Let's try it shall we?"

The Slave cut a chicken's head. (Poor chicken)

Ex Slave 2 : "!!! Oh my Goddam!!! This is really happening!!! This is so magical!!!"
Ex Slave 3 : "Oh dear! what should we do?"
Ex Slave 2 : "Roast that chicken?"
Ex Slave 3 : "No! I mean about the Revelashun! Roasting that chicken is not a bad idea though.."
Ex Slave 1 : "And the last sign is... Delusional people will rise, they will fill the world with lies and stupidity.. They will rule the world"
Ex Slave 2 : "I don't even know what dee-lose-shun-el means"
Ex Slave 1 : "I think it means stupid, look, here says they will fill the world with stupidity."
Ex Slave 3 : "Now that's a relief.. Because we are not dumb! We are so damn smart.."
Ex Slave 1 : "You're right, now let us spread the words to the world outside, to prevent stupid people from emerging."
Ex Slave 2 : "yeah, That's a good idea.. We'll teach people how to be real smart. We won't let stupid people rule the world."
Ex Slave 3 : "That way, the end of the world will never happen!"
Ex Slave 1 : "We're so *beep*ing genius. We will save the world!"

Goddam is confused
"What the...?"

[jeremy0]

  - you're great.  *bows down as a form of courtesy*  Thanks for the funny correlation.  I believe we have accurately recreated the story..