Frome the mouths of "christian" babes..

[Brakeman]

Very funny thing I've found:

Children's Bible Goofs    
Humor
Written by Administrator   
Saturday, 31 March 2012 20:45

The following statements about the bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)


In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.


Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.


Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.


Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.


Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.


The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.


Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.


Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.


Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.


The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.


The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.


Moses died before he ever reached Canada.


Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.


David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.


He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.


Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.


When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.


When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.


Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.


St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.


Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to other before they do one to you.


He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.


It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.


The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.


The epistles were the wives of the apostles.


One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.


St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.


A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
 
GB

http://knonks.info/humor/jokes/childrens-bible-goofs-.html

[Nick]

Haha, funny but as I thought about it...the bible is full of myths and any of these could fit in just fine.

[atheola]

Obviously kids had a good deal of input to the original.   

[Ivellios]

Funny.

Some of those were good. One reminded me of something that I try to get women believers to understand. Soloman, 300 wives and 700 f***-buddies. He gets 1,000 women with the majoriety he's not even married to, but if any of those 1,000 women get with another man, stone her for adultry. YEEEAAAH! Some don't even recognize sexism when they get clobbered over the head with the sexist bat. /sigh

[Nick]

Same trait from the animal kingdom.  The head ape gets the choice females and fights to hold on to his territory.  Only difference is we don't fling poop at others as much as we use to.

[nogodsforme]

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

My favorite.

[ParkingPlaces]

Same trait from the animal kingdom.  The head ape gets the choice females and fights to hold on to his territory.  Only difference is we don't fling poop at others as much as we use to.

Well, once we discovered lead worked better, we patented it, etc. and started shooting instead of poop flinging. That's why we're so advanced. Or at least we survivors are.

And I'm glad too. Poop flinging is disgusting. Shooting someone full of holes is so much more wholesome. (No April Fools jokes today, so you'll have to settle for bad puns.)

[nogodsforme]

When I walk my doggies at night, carrying a big bag of nasty poop, I know what I would do if someone in a car tried to Trayvon me....even if they got away, they and their car would really regret bothering with me.

[Nick]

A new form of "Stand Your Ground"

[nogodsforme]

Could give a new meaning to poopy-head: "You can stand your ground, but will anyone want to stand next to you?" Not to mention the police will be able to follow your scent even without a tracking dog....

[kin hell]

Same trait from the animal kingdom.  The head ape gets the choice females and fights to hold on to his territory.  Only difference is we don't fling poop at others as much as we use to.

....which is why so many people are so full of shit

When I walk my doggies at night, carrying a big bag of nasty poop, I know what I would do if someone in a car tried to Trayvon me....even if they got away, they and their car would really regret bothering with me.

..curses!  .....soiled again!