Awful Jokes Thread

[Seppuku]

If we're permitting racist jokes, I've heard a few...

I kid, they're not even that funny.


On the note of offensiveness, Jimmy Carr cycled some through some of the most offensive jokes he could think of to purposely try and offend his audience. There is a punchline to all of it as well (and he makes a fair point)

There's a good chance this will offend somebody (there's even a couple I'm offended by).

[pingnak]

Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

It's not like he did the 'raining men' or 'new yorkers are the fastest readers; 110 stories flat' 9/11 jokes.  There are hundreds of real stinkers.

And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

When I was in the USAF, and the Challenger exploded, the sick jokes began before any of the debris hit the ground. 

What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?  Blue: One blew this way, one blew that way.

[kin hell]

Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

It's not like he did the 'raining men' or 'new yorkers are the fastest readers; 110 stories flat' 9/11 jokes.  There are hundreds of real stinkers.

And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

When I was in the USAF, and the Challenger exploded, the sick jokes began before any of the debris hit the ground. 

What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?  Blue: One blew this way, one blew that way.

Yes mate I heard, here in Oz,
"what do the letters NASA stand for?"
"need another seven astronauts"

...in less than an hour of the event being reported.

It's what the adjective "quickwitted" was coined for.

[pingnak]

And what about...

Winning an argument on the internet is like winning the Special Olympics…
At the end of the day, you're still retarded.

[pingnak]

Oh, and if you have several hours to kill...
http://27bslash6.com/
http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

[Seppuku]

Darn, he didn't tell any offensive jokes at all.  I was hoping for something offensive.

I think as he pointed out, it's entirely subjective. I find jokes about things like Alzheimer's offensive just because a relative suffered from it and it's a horrible condition and as a result I find it hard to see the funny side, but all that means is I tend not to laugh, but have no issue with others doing. I'd be a hypocrite otherwise.

And he didn't single out Jesus as an imaginary friend, which probably would've gotten more of a reaction with that audience.  Along with the various jokes poking fun at the savior onna stick.

I dunno if that audience wouldda found Jesus more offensive. I think in the UK it's easier to offend people by taking the piss out of Mohammad than Jesus. People can be good at being offended for other people too. Example case: Jimmy Carr making a joke about people losing limbs in the war[1], whilst it did offend some amputees (and made others laugh), I think the people who spoke out the most were actually not amputees. I guess he at least did Mohammad is an imaginary friend.

[edit]
Came across this one:

http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.

1.	Say what you like about these servicemen amputees from Iraq and Afghanistan, but we're going to have a fucking good Paralympic team in 2012

[pingnak]

All in all, it's pretty hard to offend me.  I've long since given up being 'offended' on other people's behalf, and that's probably over 90% of the 'politically correct' offense taken.  I think 'offense' is learned, or more accurately, contagious.  People witness a strong social reaction, and it sinks right into their subconscious, and they don't even remember the event, but they remember on a 'gut' level, 'Be Offended IF...'.

But being slow to pick up and internalize such social cues myself, I am a bit more immune to these contagions than most... normally functioning people.  I can look at them from the outside in.  Since most of my 'social' behavior is emulated, rather than natural, it's probably easier for me to cull stupid, emotional 'reactions' to things.

I believe the evolution of what is 'offensive' operates on misunderstanding the cues that caused social outrage, then passing on the new, modified 'outrage' triggers.


There are evolved social 'qualifications' for telling a joke...

It helps if you're obviously disabled, if you're going to make jokes about being disabled.

If you're black, you can apparently say 'nigger' all you like.  Obviously a white guy can't, unless he's got a hood and/or swastika on him.

If you're jewish, you can tell 'antisemetic' and even 'holocaust' jokes.  Basically, same as above, if you're not.

If you're asian, you can joke about all your family looking alike.  In some cases, if you're not Asian (especially black, for some reason), and you can't tell a Japanese from a Korean from Chinese (and various groups within China) at a glance, look the fuck out.

Folks from different places in South America get all kinds of tweaked if you misidentify them as Mexican.  And naturalized hispanics tend to hate the various flavors of 'illegals' (legal or not), mostly for the stigma and backlash that they get from the mess.


Basically, the 'offense' in some of these cases kind of spits in the eye of the 'I have a dream' speech.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

Which is a perfectly good response if someone gets all butt-hurt that you thought they were 'Japanese', 'cuz nobody passed on the memo to you to call every Asian 'Asian', just to be safe.

Remember the fun when some people claimed Obama wasn't 'black'?
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/81955/february-08-2007/debra-dickerson

[Seppuku]

Generally I take the opinion that the world would be a much better place if we learned to laugh at ourselves. It might be harder when you've actually got bad/emotional experiences surrounding the joke, but you take it on the cheek and accept that it's funny. To be honest, I quite like offensive jokes because they kinda help us push our boundries of free speech and no only that, but often or not offensive jokes tend not to actually be hateful. Sure they may be distasteful, but I think the Jimmy Carr situation is probably a perfect example: man visits & supports people who have lost limbs in the war, then makes offensive joke about them. Cheap laughs? Not given a crap about amputees? Obviously he does give a crap. It's just his act and it makes his fans happy and is not in the slightest bit hateful or degrading to the people in question. Unfortunately, some who are offended take it as being vile and hateful. I actually see it as being the opposite, having fun with each other, even if it's at each other's expense...like friends & family do really.

Also, I quite like this show in the UK, Mongrels. Can be pretty funny, adult humour and sometimes dark.

But they answer the age old question of 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'

[Gnu Ordure]

http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.

Funny. Did you see this one, Sepp?

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

Spooky. 

[Seppuku]

lol, no I didn't, but that one's funny too. 

Yes, I realise I've picked a fairly gruesome username. 

[RNS]

http://dontevenreply.com/top.php

I am actually laughing out loud at some of these.

Funny. Did you see this one, Sepp?

have you seen this guy? same concept, but i believe it's executed better.

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

EDIT: haha this one is frikin hilarious! http://www.27bslash6.com/chat.html

[Poseidon]

Seppuku; I see that you have read The Book Of Five Rings. Neither the book nor Musashi were joking.

[Seppuku]

Certainly have, it was definitely a great read. Obviously I don't live by the Samurai philosophy, but I thought he had some nice sentiments, hence my signature. I've not read it for a few years, so I might pick it up again to refresh myself.

[magicmiles]

A Proctologist walks down the hospital corridor reading a chart. He reaches behind his ear and pulls out an anal thermometer.

"hey" he exclaims 'some bum's stolen my pen!"

[Samothec]

Higlight the answer to read it.

What is easier to unload - a truck full of bowling balls or a truck full of dead babies?
A truck full of dead babies because you can use a pitchfork.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off on the ice.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on your doorstep?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in your pool?
Bob

Another version of this was told earlier but this is the one I learned & it is obviously better told verbally:
What is long and hard and full of se(a)men?
No, a submarine.

What is black, white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a pitchfork in her head.

[screwtape]

What is black, white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a pitchfork in her head.

I once told a version of this to a nun

[nogodsforme]

This thread just gets better and better.

[Samothec]

Finally remembered the other dead baby joke I knew (someone else already told the others)

Higlight the answer to read it.

What is worse than a truck full of dead babies?
A truck full of dead babies with a live one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

[none]

definitely NSWF or most human beings....:
boy asks dad...
what is a cunt?

Father:
takes out a playboy magazine, opens the centerfold,  circles the woman's twat,  and said son this is a pussy and from that you can build a healthy loving relationship.... everything outside is a cunt, don't even try son

[Rustybeatz]

I had to start telling bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

[Mooby]

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Seppuku]

Not an awful joke, but worth posting any way.

[hickdive]

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

 Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

 When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

 "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around..."

[hickdive]

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?

Warren.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

What do you call a man wearing brown paper trousers?

Russell.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

[EV]

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren.


'Atheism is a non-prophet organization.'

[EV]

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

[Fiji]

Why did the fungus marry the alga?
Cause he had taken a lichen.

[jeremy0]

If I were to do a reddit, this probably holds true for a lot of people sometimes..

-I come home from work.  Aaah, internet, all night.
-Shit, I have to go to sleep
-7:00 AM - ah, I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  7:30 Am.  I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  8:00 Am.  I don't have to leave until 8.
-snooze.  8:30 Am.  I don't have to leave until... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!  What have I done??!?!!?!?

Or even worse, I've had times where I think I've programmed my alarm clock to do something stupid...