Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread  (Read 6614 times)

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Offline Fiji

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #116 on: May 22, 2012, 04:34:53 AM »
Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.

What's the difference between canary?
Both its legs are just as long, especially the left one.

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."

A verbal one:
How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?
Same way you get to Wales in any car, you go to the M4 and drive across the Severn Bridge.

oh hell, this will save time
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

Schrodinger's thunderdome! One cat enters and one MIGHT leave!

Without life, god has no meaning.

Offline screwtape

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #117 on: May 22, 2012, 08:11:00 AM »
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"


Count Dracula said to his pal:
“Say, Frank, what you need is a gal,
And I know a young dear
Who’s been dead for a year
So she’ll surely improve your morale.”

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Offline jynnan tonnix

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #118 on: May 22, 2012, 08:39:35 AM »
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

More a tongue twister than a joke, per se...it reminds me of this one:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "we must flee"
"We must fly", said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Try saying that fast :)

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #119 on: May 22, 2012, 09:45:04 AM »
Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."


A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.
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"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline Hatter23

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #120 on: May 22, 2012, 10:09:35 AM »
Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.


Carbon, Oxygen, and Hydrogen get together in a bar. Bartender says, "We don't need your kind around here!"
They leave, but the absence of the group makes all the customers very unhappy.

Did you hear about the passing of Henry Winkler? He died of Aaaayyyyids
An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

And you should feel guilty for this. Give me money.

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #121 on: May 22, 2012, 11:07:34 AM »
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got a knife,
Get in the van.




What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.




A Scotsman walks out of the bar!!
love and truth and love of truth

Offline pianodwarf

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #122 on: May 22, 2012, 11:26:50 AM »
Q:  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A:  A stick.
[On how kangaroos could have gotten back to Australia after the flood]:  Don't kangaroos skip along the surface of the water? --Kenn

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #123 on: May 22, 2012, 11:33:49 AM »
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint

Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.
love and truth and love of truth

Offline screwtape

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #124 on: May 22, 2012, 01:28:06 PM »
what's brown and sounds like a bell?


Dunnnnng!
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Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #125 on: May 22, 2012, 01:58:07 PM »

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."


I laughed out loud. I am such the geek. ;D
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #126 on: May 22, 2012, 02:01:51 PM »
What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

My younger sister used to tell jokes like this. One of her favorites was--
Q: When is Charlie Brown not a boy?
A: When he's a bird.

(It helps to know that we had a series of parakeets, all named Charlie Brown....)
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline Samuelxcs

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #127 on: May 23, 2012, 07:46:57 AM »
children...
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
-Thomas Szasz

Offline Fiji

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #128 on: May 23, 2012, 08:04:54 AM »
Life is like a box of chocolates ... crap if it's from the Netherlands
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

Schrodinger's thunderdome! One cat enters and one MIGHT leave!

Without life, god has no meaning.

Offline stuffin

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #129 on: May 23, 2012, 11:40:41 AM »
Why do Jewish women prefer Jewish men?
Because they like the 10% off.

What is more gross than a barrel full of dead babies?
A live one on the bottom eating his way up.

Hickory dickory dock
a mouse ran up my sock
it bit me tit
and made me shit
Jesus Christ almighty

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco stains down both sides of the pickup truck.

How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is having her period?
Her husband's dick tastes different.

I'm done.....
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #130 on: May 23, 2012, 02:02:32 PM »
^^^^^Thanks be to the lord. So to speak.
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline pingnak

Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #131 on: May 23, 2012, 06:37:38 PM »

Offline shnozzola

Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #132 on: May 23, 2012, 07:14:08 PM »
The Amish are "Non-violent" people!

BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
 

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a bus load of trespassers, who had broken down his fence and were praying in his pasture. Then they started drinking from his pond, using their hand as a cup.

The Amish Farmer shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser,
die kuhd die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "We’re Muslims, you idiot. I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: 

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something."  ~ T. H. White
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Offline stuffin

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #133 on: May 23, 2012, 08:20:28 PM »
OK, one more...


Depressed?

Over five thousand  years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,  (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,  "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land."

Today, Congress has  stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged  the Promised Land!

I was so depressed  last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs,  savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc.... I called a Suicide  Hotline.

I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Folks, we're  screwed.....
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Offline jeremy0

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #134 on: May 24, 2012, 01:35:42 AM »
Folks, we're  screwed.....
Only if the commoners as a group say 'we're screwed.'  We're not helicly bound to an axis yet...

Ooops - i have to participate...

Bar pick-up lines:  Are you from Tennessee?  Because you're the only ten I see...

Reversal:  Yup, we're fucked..
« Last Edit: May 24, 2012, 01:37:14 AM by jeremy0 »
"If you find yourself reaching for the light, first realize that it has already touched your finger."
"If I were your god, I would have no reason for judgement, and you have all told endless lies about me.  Wait - you do already. I am not amused by your ignorance, thoughtlessness, and shallow mind."

Offline Seppuku

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #135 on: May 24, 2012, 03:34:45 AM »
Quote
I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Hmm, so that's how they recruit them eh?
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
Warning: I occassionally forget to proofread my posts to spot typos or to spot poor editing.

Offline Seppuku

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #136 on: May 24, 2012, 05:15:29 AM »
Looks like Google has it in for us English people.  :-\

[edit]
I should probably account for people who don't like bad language or heaven forbid browse this forum with kids present, I've removed the image. Just Google 'English Person' if you don't give a crap.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2012, 05:22:16 AM by Seppuku »
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
Warning: I occassionally forget to proofread my posts to spot typos or to spot poor editing.

Offline eye over you

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #137 on: May 27, 2012, 12:42:22 AM »

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:
Don't let your mouth write checks that your ass can't cash.

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #138 on: May 28, 2012, 11:01:31 PM »

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper.  :?
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline pingnak

Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #139 on: May 29, 2012, 03:59:26 AM »
You need to prove you're 18 or older before that joke can be explained.  It has to do with female anatomy.

Offline Seppuku

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #140 on: May 29, 2012, 04:25:51 AM »
I just got it.

Drag on lips.

Because they have no legs they will...well I'm sure you get the idea.
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
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Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #141 on: May 29, 2012, 08:09:44 AM »
ewwww
love and truth and love of truth

Offline eye over you

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #142 on: May 29, 2012, 10:15:15 AM »

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips........... :laugh:

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper.  :?

     I heard it at the bar that day and when I got home it was the most "awful" joke I remembered. The next day, I wondered if it might come across as racist/ offensive. I'll make a note not to post after drinking.  :-[   My apologies.
     
     Seppuku nailed it.
Don't let your mouth write checks that your ass can't cash.

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #143 on: May 29, 2012, 04:47:29 PM »
Of course it was racist and offensive, as well as kinda funny in that "gross, I can't believe I smiled at that" way. That's qualifies it for the awful part of the awful jokes thread. Next time, how about the joke part? :P

Actually it was not that bad. Of all the legless Chinese lady jokes I have heard, that is by far the best.  :D
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline Seppuku

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #144 on: May 29, 2012, 05:11:52 PM »
If we're permitting racist jokes, I've heard a few...

I kid, they're not even that funny.


On the note of offensiveness, Jimmy Carr cycled some through some of the most offensive jokes he could think of to purposely try and offend his audience. There is a punchline to all of it as well (and he makes a fair point)

There's a good chance this will offend somebody (there's even a couple I'm offended by). ;)

« Last Edit: May 29, 2012, 05:28:16 PM by Seppuku »
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
Warning: I occassionally forget to proofread my posts to spot typos or to spot poor editing.