Awful Jokes Thread

[EV]

It's your turn.

I'll join in here:

There once was a woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

There once was a man from China,
Who was a shitty rock climber.
He slipped on a rock,
And cut off his cock,
So now he has a vagina.

(Apologies for the immaturity of these- I learnt them at primary school )

[Fiji]

Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.

What's the difference between canary?
Both its legs are just as long, especially the left one.

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."

A verbal one:
How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?
Same way you get to Wales in any car, you go to the M4 and drive across the Severn Bridge.

oh hell, this will save time

[screwtape]

A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"


Count Dracula said to his pal:
“Say, Frank, what you need is a gal,
And I know a young dear
Who’s been dead for a year
So she’ll surely improve your morale.”

[jynnan tonnix]

A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
"Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

More a tongue twister than a joke, per se...it reminds me of this one:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "we must flee"
"We must fly", said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Try saying that fast

[EV]

Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."


A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.

[Hatter23]

Liquid nitrogen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve you elements here!"
Liquid nitrogen keeps cool.

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here!"
Argon doesn't react.

Carbon, Oxygen, and Hydrogen get together in a bar. Bartender says, "We don't need your kind around here!"
They leave, but the absence of the group makes all the customers very unhappy.

Did you hear about the passing of Henry Winkler? He died of Aaaayyyyids

[RNS]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got a knife,
Get in the van.




What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.




A Scotsman walks out of the bar!!

[pianodwarf]

Q:  What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A:  A stick.

[RNS]

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint

Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

[screwtape]

what's brown and sounds like a bell?


Dunnnnng!

[nogodsforme]

Schrödinger is cruising along in his car and gets pulled over by the cops.
They figure he looks a bit suspicious, so they search his vehicle.
In the trunk, they find a dead cat. One of the cops walks up to Schrödinger and says, "Sir, did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger rolls his eyes and replies, "Well, I do NOW."

I laughed out loud. I am such the geek.

[nogodsforme]

What's the difference between an eagle and a mole?       ...They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

My younger sister used to tell jokes like this. One of her favorites was--
Q: When is Charlie Brown not a boy?
A: When he's a bird.

(It helps to know that we had a series of parakeets, all named Charlie Brown....)

[Samuelxcs]

children...

[Fiji]

Life is like a box of chocolates ... crap if it's from the Netherlands

[stuffin]

Why do Jewish women prefer Jewish men?
Because they like the 10% off.

What is more gross than a barrel full of dead babies?
A live one on the bottom eating his way up.

Hickory dickory dock
a mouse ran up my sock
it bit me tit
and made me shit
Jesus Christ almighty

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There are tobacco stains down both sides of the pickup truck.

How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is having her period?
Her husband's dick tastes different.

I'm done.....

[nogodsforme]

^^^^^Thanks be to the lord. So to speak.

[pingnak]

On an unrelated Charlie Brown note...

http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/o-great-pumpkin.html

[shnozzola]

The Amish are "Non-violent" people!

BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
 

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a bus load of trespassers, who had broken down his fence and were praying in his pasture. Then they started drinking from his pond, using their hand as a cup.

The Amish Farmer shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser,
die kuhd die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "We’re Muslims, you idiot. I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: 

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[stuffin]

OK, one more...


Depressed?

Over five thousand  years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,  (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,  "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the
Promised Land."

Today, Congress has  stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged  the Promised Land!

I was so depressed  last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs,  savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc.... I called a Suicide  Hotline.

I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Folks, we're  screwed.....

[jeremy0]

Folks, we're  screwed.....

Only if the commoners as a group say 'we're screwed.'  We're not helicly bound to an axis yet...

Ooops - i have to participate...

Bar pick-up lines:  Are you from Tennessee?  Because you're the only ten I see...

Reversal:  Yup, we're fucked..

[Seppuku]

I had to press 1 for  English. I was connected to a call center in
Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck......

Hmm, so that's how they recruit them eh?

[Seppuku]

Looks like Google has it in for us English people. 

[edit]
I should probably account for people who don't like bad language or heaven forbid browse this forum with kids present, I've removed the image. Just Google 'English Person' if you don't give a crap.

[eye over you]

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips...........

[nogodsforme]

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips...........

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper. 

[pingnak]

You need to prove you're 18 or older before that joke can be explained.  It has to do with female anatomy.

[Seppuku]

I just got it.

Drag on lips.

Because they have no legs they will...well I'm sure you get the idea.

[RNS]

ewwww

[eye over you]

     What do you call a Chinese girl with no legs????????


      Dragon lips...........

I don't get this one. Am I not ableist enough, not racist enough or not sexist enough? Please to explain, Little Grasshopper. 

     I heard it at the bar that day and when I got home it was the most "awful" joke I remembered. The next day, I wondered if it might come across as racist/ offensive. I'll make a note not to post after drinking.     My apologies.
     
     Seppuku nailed it.

[nogodsforme]

Of course it was racist and offensive, as well as kinda funny in that "gross, I can't believe I smiled at that" way. That's qualifies it for the awful part of the awful jokes thread. Next time, how about the joke part?

Actually it was not that bad. Of all the legless Chinese lady jokes I have heard, that is by far the best.