Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread  (Read 6995 times)

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Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #87 on: April 07, 2012, 08:03:55 PM »
To do list:

Hire two private detectives and have them follow each other

Wear a shirt with "LIFE" written in big letters. Stand in the city and hand out lemons.

Run excitedly into a shop and yell "what year is it?" When someone answers, run outside yelling "it worked!!"

Go on up you baldhead.

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #88 on: April 07, 2012, 08:07:15 PM »
To do list:

Hire two private detectives and have them follow each other

...nice idea but it couldn't work.  ;D
Once you give both victims their opposite number's photo, then neither could follow the other without being recognised.

However if you used three or more PIs........
 A follows B   B follows C  C follows A, it could take a little longer for them to tumble to the game.

obviously the more the merrier as the formula would not needs be so linear, and the solution not so obvious.

A follows C   B/D C/B D/A 




Run excitedly into a shop (wearing clothes makeup accessories from the past or from a possible future) and yell "what year is it?" When someone answers, run outside yelling "it worked!!"

.....added italicised for flesh on the great bones. ;)
« Last Edit: April 07, 2012, 08:15:08 PM by kin hell »
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #89 on: April 07, 2012, 08:14:06 PM »
That joke is strictly copyrighted. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, surfer boy.

Just kidding...good inclusion.

Thinking of videoing a good visual joke and posting it on youtube...any rules against posting videos of yourself?
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline jynnan tonnix

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #90 on: April 07, 2012, 08:43:52 PM »
My little brother just told me the best awful joke I think I've ever heard.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Reminded me of this one...

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a stockbroker?

She drew a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.

Offline JL

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #91 on: April 07, 2012, 10:13:23 PM »
A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

Oi oi  ;D :laugh:
"Religion is regarded by the common man as true, the wise man as false, and the rulers as useful"

Now listening to--> Linda Chung 'My Love Story Album'

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Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #92 on: April 07, 2012, 10:30:05 PM »
That joke is strictly copyrighted. You'll be hearing from my lawyers, surfer boy.

Just kidding...good inclusion.

Thinking of videoing a good visual joke and posting it on youtube...any rules against posting videos of yourself?
my bold

.....only running the risk of creating a superior world's shortest joke

....."thou art"
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #93 on: April 07, 2012, 11:13:07 PM »
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:

Go on up you baldhead.

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #94 on: April 08, 2012, 12:45:59 AM »
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:

>snip<

which killing joke is as funny as a straight razor?
 the church mouse seeing a cross for cheesus  ;)
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Online nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #95 on: April 09, 2012, 04:04:16 PM »
well, this is one my favourite awful jokes, and it only works visually, so I have taken the time to record it for you:


I couldn't follow the joke, I was too busy salivating over your wonderful Ozzie Ozzie OiOiOi ACCENT! You had me at g'day, mate. Any chance of you dressing up in a dress made of flip flops a la Penelope queen of the desert for me? You know you want to. Alzael did, and even sent me pix. :-*

Actually the joke did make me laugh, in that, "I can't believe I'm laughing at this horrible video of this horrible joke" way. Good on ya. And what the eff is that on your t-shirt?
:D
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #96 on: April 09, 2012, 04:17:15 PM »

 And what the eff is that on your t-shirt?
:D

It's a plane, comprised of various ticket stubs. It's from a website in the USA actually.
Go on up you baldhead.

Online nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #97 on: April 10, 2012, 02:39:10 PM »
Stop me if you've heard this one.
Too late.


Q: Why is a submarine like a porn star's shlong?






A: Because they're both long, hard, wet and full of seamen.
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #98 on: April 10, 2012, 09:44:17 PM »
Stop me if you've heard this one.
Too late.


Q: Why is a submarine like a porn star's shlong?

A: Because they're both long, hard, wet and full of seamen.

arrggghhh  you've just caused me to make up an awful



great name for a dockside hairdressers

The Seamen's Perm
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #99 on: May 06, 2012, 10:08:28 PM »
roses are dead,
violets are dead,


....man I'm bad at gardening.
love and truth and love of truth

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #100 on: May 06, 2012, 10:56:53 PM »
roses are dead,
violets are dead,


....man I'm bad at gardening.

 ;D ;D ;D
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline Timtheskeptic

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #101 on: May 11, 2012, 08:31:09 AM »
An atheist, A doctor, and a scientist all walks into a bar and God flees on the spot.

Fred Phelps, Marcus Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Ted Haggard, and Brian Brown all wall into a bar. The bartender looks up and said, "Get thy beam out of thy eyes!"
Me:What are you looking at Eminem?
Brother: Nothing, Harry Potter.

I love to read books, just not your Bible. i support gay rights and women's rights. Why? Because i'm tired of the hate, stupidity, and your desire to control us all and make up lies.

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #102 on: May 11, 2012, 08:50:29 AM »
Jesus had to feed a whole bunch of people with very little bread. So he cut the ends off the loaf to make endless bread.[1]
 1. I feel like this could be formulated better, but I'm too tired to be funny
love and truth and love of truth

Online nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #103 on: May 11, 2012, 09:02:18 AM »
Jesus had to feed a whole bunch of people with very little bread. So he cut the ends off the loaf to make endless bread.[1]
 1. I feel like this could be formulated better, but I'm too tired to be funny

Jesus was faced with the hungry multitudes and only had one loaf and one fish. Suddenly inspiration hit and, with a flourish,  the son of god cut off the ends of the loaf and the head and tail of the fish.

The people fell to their knees, weeping at the miracle: now both the bread and the fish were endless.  :angel:
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #104 on: May 11, 2012, 09:06:33 AM »
^Thank you, nicely done  :D
love and truth and love of truth

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #105 on: May 11, 2012, 09:09:12 AM »
the bread was made from the infinite stupidity of people Doh!

and when weighing the portions, they always found some fish on the scales.
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline AshleyMB

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #106 on: May 19, 2012, 01:19:45 PM »
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?

All you can eat for under a buck.

Offline Poseidon

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #107 on: May 20, 2012, 07:19:08 PM »
There once was a pirate named Yates
who did the fandango on skates,
but he slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless,
and practically useless on dates.

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #108 on: May 21, 2012, 12:23:41 AM »
A candle went to the doctor.

"Doctor, it burns when I pee.  Can you help?"

The doctor replied, "It burns when you do anything.  You're a candle."
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Offline pianodwarf

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #109 on: May 21, 2012, 07:27:00 AM »
Q:  How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  One.
[On how kangaroos could have gotten back to Australia after the flood]:  Don't kangaroos skip along the surface of the water? --Kenn

Offline Samuelxcs

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #110 on: May 21, 2012, 07:40:03 AM »
Fat people - They are the best bouncers!
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
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Online nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #111 on: May 21, 2012, 02:40:27 PM »
There once was a pirate named Yates
who did the fandango on skates,
but he slipped on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless,
and practically useless on dates.
Pirate Yates met a lady named Pearl,
Who invited him out for a whirl.
When he took off his breeches,
she was first rendered speechless,
then said, "Fine, I'll let you be the girl."

You had to get me started with the limericks.... :(
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline Poseidon

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #112 on: May 21, 2012, 05:36:27 PM »
Nogods, That one is a goody I can not counter with another one that is as clever but there is this........

There once was a plumber named Lee
who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
Said she; stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming.
Aha, said the plumber its me.

it's your turn

Offline pingnak

Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #113 on: May 21, 2012, 08:00:34 PM »
Several stinky Jesus Jokes:

Why doesn't Jesus eat skittles?  They fall through the holes in his hands.  (M&Ms or any candy that happens to be handy.)

Jesus slaps three nails on the innkeeper's counter.  "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus is coming - he pulled out to just to show the camera.

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?

What's this?
[Hold palm of hand directly over mouth, make nom-nom noises and open and close your mouth]
Jesus biting his nails.


Quick succession:

What do you call a girl with one leg?  Ilene
What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg?  Irene.
Where do they work?  IHOP

(IHOP = International House of Pancakes)


What's stiff and makes women scream at night?  SIDS


How do you load a truck with dead babies? With a pitchfork.
How do you know when you've found a live one?
Act out shoveling Normally:
Dead baby...
Dead baby...
Act out shoveling with something wriggling on end:
Live baby...
Act out shoveling Normally:
Dead baby...

What's black & white & can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a harpoon through her head.


Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #114 on: May 22, 2012, 03:42:35 AM »
WWGHA is a forum,
where fallacies we abhor 'em.
Christians run away,
near to every day
because we just can't ignore 'em.
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #115 on: May 22, 2012, 03:44:29 AM »
It's your turn.
I'll join in here:

There once was a woman from Ealing,
Who had a peculiar feeling.
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

There once was a man from China,
Who was a shitty rock climber.
He slipped on a rock,
And cut off his cock,
So now he has a vagina.

(Apologies for the immaturity of these- I learnt them at primary school ;) )
« Last Edit: May 22, 2012, 03:46:05 AM by EV »
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);