Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread (Read 3959 times)

atheola · « **Reply #58 on:** March 29, 2012, 04:36:05 PM »

Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty

BaalServant · « **Reply #59 on:** March 29, 2012, 05:08:10 PM »

What is the opposite of a duck?

Quote from: atheola on March 29, 2012, 04:36:05 PM

Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty

Well, that would have been my guess, and I'm guessing again - written by Herbert Melville?

kin hell · « **Reply #60 on:** March 29, 2012, 07:12:39 PM »

time flies like an arrow

fruit flies like a banana

nogodsforme · « **Reply #61 on:** March 29, 2012, 08:41:05 PM »

Quote from: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 04:27:25 PM

Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?

Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

Quote from: atheola on March 29, 2012, 04:10:36 PM
I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks. I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. $:-\$

kin hell · « **Reply #62 on:** March 29, 2012, 08:44:02 PM »

Quote from: nogodsforme on March 29, 2012, 08:41:05 PM

Quote from: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 04:27:25 PM
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?

Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

Quote from: atheola on March 29, 2012, 04:10:36 PM
I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks. I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. $:-\$

like a boss with connery's accent gives bosch (which I imagine is a dishwasher manufacturer)

jynnan tonnix · « **Reply #63 on:** March 30, 2012, 08:51:58 AM »

Speaking of Sean Connery....

nogodsforme · « **Reply #64 on:** March 30, 2012, 07:26:00 PM »

^^^^Dude not only hash the accent of shscottish-oshity, but shports an amazing 'shtache of aweshomeness and a raished eyebrow of shardonic macho-dociousness.[1]

1.	my daughter says that -docious is the all-time best descriptor

Omen · « **Reply #65 on:** March 30, 2012, 08:42:31 PM »

What kind of bee's produce milk!?

BOOBIES!

Willie · « **Reply #66 on:** March 30, 2012, 09:27:54 PM »

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy.

jynnan tonnix · « **Reply #67 on:** March 30, 2012, 09:29:16 PM »

oh, those last two absolutely lived up to the thread title. Ouch.

ungod · « **Reply #68 on:** March 31, 2012, 06:24:31 AM »

ungod · « **Reply #69 on:** March 31, 2012, 06:42:47 AM »

EV · « **Reply #70 on:** April 02, 2012, 04:20:34 AM »

I went to a Brangelina themed fancy dress party last night.To be original I went naked, but totally covered in hair.

I was Brad's pit.

I was walking on the other side of the street and witnessed a blind woman getting run over.

I said to my friend: 'I bet she didn't see that coming'.

nogodsforme · « **Reply #71 on:** April 02, 2012, 02:30:53 PM »

Quote from: BaalServant on March 29, 2012, 05:08:10 PM

What is the opposite of a duck?

The sound of one wing flapping, Grasshopper.

EV · « **Reply #72 on:** April 03, 2012, 03:39:45 AM »

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.

The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.
He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

BaalServant · « **Reply #73 on:** April 03, 2012, 08:56:02 PM »

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It would never happen. Amoebas are asexual.

magicmiles · « **Reply #74 on:** April 03, 2012, 09:14:20 PM »

Past, present and future walked slowly into a bar and looked around.

It was tense..

Seppuku · « **Reply #75 on:** April 03, 2012, 10:05:20 PM »

One my dad told me earlier and I am ashamed to repeat:

"Oh I didn't know Matt Damon believed in Reincarnation"
"Oh?"
"He said he wanted to be Bourne again".

magicmiles · « **Reply #76 on:** April 04, 2012, 03:03:35 AM »

Australians and the English have a bit of a love/hate relationship.

But I have to say, I have a soft spot for the English.

Quicksand...

Anfauglir · « **Reply #77 on:** April 04, 2012, 03:13:13 AM »

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds " But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

EV · « **Reply #78 on:** April 04, 2012, 06:32:31 AM »

Last night, my wife rang me to pick her and her two friends up after they got caught in a sudden downpour whilst walking home from weight-watchers.
As I drove up, they all stood there, dripping wet and shivering.
"So" I said, "what did you learn about tonight?....saturated fats?"

Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.

My missus said that my penis reminds her of her favourite supermarket.
I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."

I used to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.

Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.
Turns out she's a Slovak.

News from a week on the stock market.
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

screwtape · « **Reply #79 on:** April 04, 2012, 09:02:53 AM »

Two Russian peasant women were pulling up carrots. On pulled out an enormous root and said, "ugh. Reminds me of my husbands dick."

The other said," whoa! So big?"

"No," the first replied, "so dirty."

BaalServant · « **Reply #80 on:** April 04, 2012, 11:41:51 AM »

What did the percussionist get on their IQ test?

Drool

HalusN8er · « **Reply #81 on:** April 04, 2012, 01:57:48 PM »

How do you get a southern girl to suck your dick?

Dip it in Ranch.

grant · « **Reply #82 on:** April 06, 2012, 05:36:02 AM »

What sort of meat do priests eat on good Friday?

Nun.

DumpsterFire · « **Reply #83 on:** April 06, 2012, 08:31:03 AM »

Despite rumors of cannibalistic natives, some explorers ventured into the deepest jungles of Africa. After several days, a cacophony of drums was heard in the distance. The drumming was incessant, and after a full day of it the explorers asked their local guides about it. "There will be drumming for 3 days," was the reply. After the 2nd solid day of it the explorers asked what the drumming meant, and were told "There will be drumming for 3 days. It is part of the ritual." On the 3rd day of drumming, the explorers asked "What ritual?" and were told "The native tribes have a ritual that starts with 3 days of drums when there are intruders on their land." "OMG!" said the explorers, "What happens when the drumming stops?"

"Guitar solo."

Ice Monkey · « **Reply #84 on:** April 06, 2012, 08:34:37 AM »

worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...

Backspace · « **Reply #85 on:** April 06, 2012, 02:52:14 PM »

A man boards an airplane; and who's in the seat next to him? - the Pope! The man is nervous, excited, and trying to think of something to say.

The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle, and the man says, "So, your Holiness, do you enjoy crossword puzzles, too?"
The Pope responds, "Yes, my son."

The man thinks to himself, wow that was a dumb question - I blew it.

Just then, the Pope leans over and asks, "What's a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"

The man, terrified, thinks: oh, dear, I know the answer, but it's such a terribly vulgar word, I can't... Oh wait! He blurts out, "Yes, your eminence! The word is "AUNT."

The Pope says, "Ah, yes, of course. Do you have an eraser?"

DumpsterFire · « **Reply #86 on:** April 06, 2012, 06:24:51 PM »

Quote from: Ice Monkey on April 06, 2012, 08:34:37 AM

worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...

I already dropped this little nugget back on post 42, IM. Its a classic.

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Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread (Read 3959 times)