Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread  (Read 6649 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline atheola

  • Reader
  • ******
  • Posts: 1288
  • Darwins +28/-4
  • Gender: Male
  • Hospitals suck past an hour.
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #58 on: March 29, 2012, 04:36:05 PM »
Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline BaalServant

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 297
  • Darwins +8/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Praise Ba'al really hard!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #59 on: March 29, 2012, 05:08:10 PM »
What is the opposite of a duck?



Uhmm..Mutiny on the Bounty

Well, that would have been my guess, and I'm guessing again - written by Herbert Melville? 
.   ###$$$$$$$$$$$$###
   ################
   ###  PRAISE BA'AL  ####
 #### FOR THE ALTAR ####
##### OF BA'AL!!!!!! #####
####################

Offline kin hell

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 5379
  • Darwins +152/-7
  • Gender: Male
  • - .... . .-. . /.. ... / -. --- / --. --- -.. ...
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #60 on: March 29, 2012, 07:12:39 PM »
time flies like an arrow


fruit flies like a banana
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline nogodsforme

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 6510
  • Darwins +849/-6
  • Gender: Female
  • Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #61 on: March 29, 2012, 08:41:05 PM »
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. :-\
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline kin hell

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 5379
  • Darwins +152/-7
  • Gender: Male
  • - .... . .-. . /.. ... / -. --- / --. --- -.. ...
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #62 on: March 29, 2012, 08:44:02 PM »
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.

I don't get the Sean Connery one. :-\

like a boss   with connery's accent   gives bosch (which I imagine is a dishwasher manufacturer)
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline jynnan tonnix

  • Reader
  • ******
  • Posts: 1771
  • Darwins +87/-1
  • Gender: Female
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #63 on: March 30, 2012, 08:51:58 AM »
Speaking of Sean Connery....



Offline nogodsforme

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 6510
  • Darwins +849/-6
  • Gender: Female
  • Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #64 on: March 30, 2012, 07:26:00 PM »
^^^^Dude not only hash the accent of shscottish-oshity, but shports an amazing 'shtache of aweshomeness and a raished eyebrow of shardonic macho-dociousness.[1]
 1. my daughter says that -docious is the all-time best descriptor
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline Omen

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 5955
  • Darwins +105/-15
  • One of the fucking bad guys; not friendly, tiger!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #65 on: March 30, 2012, 08:42:31 PM »
What kind of bee's produce milk!?

BOOBIES!
"Religious faith is the antithesis to knowledge, it is the opposition to education, and it has to act in animosity against the free exchange of ideas.  Why? Because those things are what cause harm to a religions place in society most." - Me

Offline Willie

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 635
  • Darwins +72/-1
  • Gender: Male
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #66 on: March 30, 2012, 09:27:54 PM »
How do you get a nun pregnant?






Dress her up as a choir boy.

Offline jynnan tonnix

  • Reader
  • ******
  • Posts: 1771
  • Darwins +87/-1
  • Gender: Female
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #67 on: March 30, 2012, 09:29:16 PM »
oh, those last two absolutely lived up to the thread title. Ouch.

Offline ungod

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 580
  • Darwins +15/-9
  • Gender: Male
  • WWGHA Member
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #68 on: March 31, 2012, 06:24:31 AM »
Reason is a whore, the greatest enemy that faith has.
Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding. - Martin Luther

"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." - Hitler

Offline ungod

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 580
  • Darwins +15/-9
  • Gender: Male
  • WWGHA Member
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #69 on: March 31, 2012, 06:42:47 AM »
Reason is a whore, the greatest enemy that faith has.
Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding. - Martin Luther

"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." - Hitler

Offline EV

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 621
  • Darwins +52/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Philosopher, Atheist, Musician, Philanthropist
    • My Website
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #70 on: April 02, 2012, 04:20:34 AM »
I went to a Brangelina themed fancy dress party last night.To be original I went naked, but totally covered in hair.

I was Brad's pit.


I was walking on the other side of the street and witnessed a blind woman getting run over.

I said to my friend: 'I bet she didn't see that coming'.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2012, 04:22:17 AM by ElliotViola »
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline nogodsforme

  • Professor
  • ********
  • Posts: 6510
  • Darwins +849/-6
  • Gender: Female
  • Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #71 on: April 02, 2012, 02:30:53 PM »
What is the opposite of a duck?

The sound of one wing flapping, Grasshopper.
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline EV

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 621
  • Darwins +52/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Philosopher, Atheist, Musician, Philanthropist
    • My Website
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #72 on: April 03, 2012, 03:39:45 AM »
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.
I'm now the main stake holder.


"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.
"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.


The Archbishop of Canterbury claims that all homosexuals are just confused about a strong friendship they have.
He then shut his eyes and stopped the interview, so he could talk to his bearded friend sitting on a cloud in the sky.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.   
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline BaalServant

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 297
  • Darwins +8/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Praise Ba'al really hard!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #73 on: April 03, 2012, 08:56:02 PM »
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


It would never happen.  Amoebas are asexual.
.   ###$$$$$$$$$$$$###
   ################
   ###  PRAISE BA'AL  ####
 #### FOR THE ALTAR ####
##### OF BA'AL!!!!!! #####
####################

Offline magicmiles

  • Fellow
  • *******
  • Posts: 2829
  • Darwins +175/-73
  • Gender: Male
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #74 on: April 03, 2012, 09:14:20 PM »
Past, present and future walked slowly into a bar and looked around.

It was tense..
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Offline Seppuku

  • Fellow
  • *******
  • Posts: 3855
  • Darwins +125/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • I am gay for Fred Phelps
    • Seppuku Arts
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #75 on: April 03, 2012, 10:05:20 PM »
One my dad told me earlier and I am ashamed to repeat:

"Oh I didn't know Matt Damon believed in Reincarnation"
"Oh?"
"He said he wanted to be Bourne again".  &)
“It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet” - Miyamoto Musashi
Warning: I occassionally forget to proofread my posts to spot typos or to spot poor editing.

Offline magicmiles

  • Fellow
  • *******
  • Posts: 2829
  • Darwins +175/-73
  • Gender: Male
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #76 on: April 04, 2012, 03:03:35 AM »
Australians and the English have a bit of a love/hate relationship.

But I have to say, I have a soft spot for the English.

Quicksand...
The 2010 world cup was ruined for me by that slippery bastard Paul.

Offline EV

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 621
  • Darwins +52/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Philosopher, Atheist, Musician, Philanthropist
    • My Website
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #77 on: April 04, 2012, 06:32:31 AM »
Last night, my wife rang me to pick her and her two friends up after they got caught in a sudden downpour whilst walking home from weight-watchers.
As I drove up, they all stood there, dripping wet and shivering.
"So" I said, "what did you learn about tonight?....saturated fats?"


Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.


My missus said that my penis reminds her of her favourite supermarket.
I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"
"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."


I used to be really good at reading braille.
But I lost my touch.


Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it's taken her 5 days to hoover the house.
Turns out she's a Slovak.


News from a week on the stock market.
Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2012, 06:40:24 AM by ElliotViola »
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline screwtape

  • The Great Red Dragon
  • Administrator
  • *******
  • Posts: 12209
  • Darwins +658/-28
  • Gender: Male
  • Karma mooch
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #78 on: April 04, 2012, 09:02:53 AM »
Two Russian peasant women were pulling up carrots.  On pulled out an enormous root and said, "ugh.  Reminds me of my husbands dick."

The other said," whoa! So big?"

"No," the first replied, "so dirty."
Links:
Rules
Guides & Tutorials

What's true is already so. Owning up to it does not make it worse.

Offline BaalServant

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 297
  • Darwins +8/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Praise Ba'al really hard!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #79 on: April 04, 2012, 11:41:51 AM »
What did the percussionist get on their IQ test?



Drool
.   ###$$$$$$$$$$$$###
   ################
   ###  PRAISE BA'AL  ####
 #### FOR THE ALTAR ####
##### OF BA'AL!!!!!! #####
####################

Offline HalusN8er

  • Student
  • **
  • Posts: 98
  • Darwins +4/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #80 on: April 04, 2012, 01:57:48 PM »
How do you get a southern girl to suck your dick?

Dip it in Ranch.

Offline grant

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 407
  • Darwins +4/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #81 on: April 06, 2012, 05:36:02 AM »
What sort of meat do priests eat on good Friday?






Nun.
What if the hokey pokey is what its all about?

Offline DumpsterFire

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 383
  • Darwins +61/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • The Flaming Duck of Death!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #82 on: April 06, 2012, 08:31:03 AM »
Despite rumors of cannibalistic natives, some explorers ventured into the deepest jungles of Africa. After several days, a cacophony of drums was heard in the distance. The drumming was incessant, and after a full day of it the explorers asked their local guides about it. "There will be drumming for 3 days," was the reply. After the 2nd solid day of it the explorers asked what the drumming meant, and were told "There will be drumming for 3 days. It is part of the ritual." On the 3rd day of drumming, the explorers asked "What ritual?" and were told "The native tribes have a ritual that starts with 3 days of drums when there are intruders on their land." "OMG!" said the explorers, "What happens when the drumming stops?"

"Guitar solo."
Providing rednecks with sunblock since 1996.

I once met a man who claimed to be a genius, then boasted that he was a member of "Mesa".

Think for yourself.

Offline Ice Monkey

  • Undergraduate
  • ***
  • Posts: 239
  • Darwins +5/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • Fund schools. Tax pot.
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #83 on: April 06, 2012, 08:34:37 AM »
worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion." -- Charlie Chaplin

Offline Backspace

  • Reader
  • ******
  • Posts: 1253
  • Darwins +49/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • IXNAY
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #84 on: April 06, 2012, 02:52:14 PM »
A man boards an airplane; and who's in the seat next to him? - the Pope! The man is nervous, excited, and trying to think of something to say.

The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle, and the man says, "So, your Holiness, do you enjoy crossword puzzles, too?"
The Pope responds, "Yes, my son."

The man thinks to himself, wow that was a dumb question - I blew it.

Just then, the Pope leans over and asks, "What's a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?"

The man, terrified, thinks: oh, dear, I know the answer, but it's such a terribly vulgar word, I can't... Oh wait! He blurts out, "Yes, your eminence! The word is "AUNT."

The Pope says, "Ah, yes, of course. Do you have an eraser?"
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline DumpsterFire

  • Graduate
  • ****
  • Posts: 383
  • Darwins +61/-0
  • Gender: Male
  • The Flaming Duck of Death!
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #85 on: April 06, 2012, 06:24:51 PM »
worlds shortest joke...
A baby seal walks into a club...

I already dropped this little nugget back on post 42, IM. Its a classic.
Providing rednecks with sunblock since 1996.

I once met a man who claimed to be a genius, then boasted that he was a member of "Mesa".

Think for yourself.

Offline EV

  • Postgraduate
  • *****
  • Posts: 621
  • Darwins +52/-1
  • Gender: Male
  • Philosopher, Atheist, Musician, Philanthropist
    • My Website
Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #86 on: April 07, 2012, 04:55:19 PM »
My little brother just told me the best awful joke I think I've ever heard.

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);