Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread  (Read 7547 times)

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Offline One Above All

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #29 on: March 25, 2012, 06:04:53 PM »
A lion wakes up in a foul mood and prowls through the jungle, generally terrorising the other animals.

He happens upon a field mouse, and stares down at it menacingly. He roars "why are you so small?"

To which the field mouse responds "well, I haven't been very well"

...I don't get it.
*is feeling stupid*
The truth is absolute. Life forms are specks of specks (...) of specks of dust in the universe.
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Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #30 on: March 25, 2012, 06:16:20 PM »
The lion has terrified everything it encounters and expects the field mouse will be similarly terrified.

It taunts the mouse...but the mouse has a lot of self-confidence, and assumes that the lion has noticed it has lost weight and is asking why...
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline Energized

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #31 on: March 26, 2012, 11:26:44 AM »
A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.
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O damned soul wallowing in your sin.
Perhaps it is time to die?'

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Offline Energized

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #32 on: March 26, 2012, 11:31:21 AM »
A blonde was driving her convertible sports car to visit her boyfriend. She was listening to her radio and the jockey was telling blonde jokes. She became very irrate.

As she drove past a wheat field, she noticed another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the field, pretending to row as though she were in water.

The sports car blonde slammed on the brakes, got out of her car and stood at the edge of the field, shouting "I've just listened to a radio jockey tell the most awful blonde jokes ever! And there you are in the middle of a wheat field rowing! You're just encouraging the stereotype of the dumb blonde! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!"

E.
'O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness,
Bringing torment and pain to others.
O damned soul wallowing in your sin.
Perhaps it is time to die?'

~Enma Ai, Jigoku Shoujo

Offline screwtape

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #33 on: March 26, 2012, 11:33:16 AM »
A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.

"You better make it four. I don't think I could eat eight."
Yogi Berra at a dinner in an Italian restaurant, when asked into how many slices his pizza should be cut

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What's true is already so. Owning up to it does not make it worse.

Offline Energized

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #34 on: March 26, 2012, 11:35:44 AM »
A straight man walks into a gay bar and sits at the bar. A very effeminate bartender walks over and asks, "What'll it be, sailor?" The straight man asks for a beer. The bartender brings him a draft.

After a few minutes, the bartender and the straight man are having a discussion.

"Do you have a name for your penis, sailor?"

"A name?" asks the straight man.

"Yes, a name. Like mine. I call my dick, Nike. You know, 'Just Do It.' "

The straight man thinks for a few seconds and replies, "I call mine secret."

"Secret?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, secret," the straight man replies. "You know, 'Strong Enough for a Man, Made for a Woman.' "

E.
'O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness,
Bringing torment and pain to others.
O damned soul wallowing in your sin.
Perhaps it is time to die?'

~Enma Ai, Jigoku Shoujo

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #35 on: March 27, 2012, 08:35:23 AM »
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!
love and truth and love of truth

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #36 on: March 27, 2012, 08:49:12 AM »
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

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Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #37 on: March 27, 2012, 09:03:13 AM »
hahaha! that's exactly what my friend brought up after I did the joke on her!!
love and truth and love of truth

Online rev45

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #38 on: March 27, 2012, 12:42:03 PM »
Picture puns.

Here read a book.  It's free.
http://www.literatureproject.com/

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Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #39 on: March 28, 2012, 10:11:35 AM »
Remember... dismember.... wait..wouldn't dismember roughly equal forgetting and remember mean having body parts sewn back on?
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #40 on: March 28, 2012, 03:20:03 PM »
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -



I told the joke at dinner last night and could barely get through it with a straight face. Caught my daughter! ;D

My MIL was just confused. Mybe she didn't have her ears in.... :?
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #41 on: March 28, 2012, 03:22:56 PM »
Why did the lion cross the road and kill the chicken?

Cause it was in a fowl mood.

[ducks]

[turkeys]

 :angel:
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline DumpsterFire

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #42 on: March 29, 2012, 01:37:38 AM »
A baby seal walks into a club...
Providing rednecks with sunblock since 1996.

I once met a man who claimed to be a genius, then boasted that he was a member of "Mesa".

Think for yourself.

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #43 on: March 29, 2012, 06:32:49 AM »
two blokes walk out of a pub

there's a dog in the gutter licking itself where dogs can

one bloke say  "I wish I could do that...."

his mate replies " If you pat him, ........he might let you"
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #44 on: March 29, 2012, 06:51:21 AM »
That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt.  ;D
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline kin hell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #45 on: March 29, 2012, 07:04:21 AM »
That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt.  ;D

excellent a mature age dirty joke      ..........what you whinging about?
"...but on a lighter note, demons were driven from a pig today in Gloucester."  Bill Bailey

all edits are for spelling or grammar unless specified otherwise

Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #46 on: March 29, 2012, 07:04:50 AM »
OK..Two kids, bother and sister go to first day of their new scool.
The teacher tells the little girl to stand up and tell the class her name so she stands and says, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
Tbe teacher looked at her with a smile. "Come on little girl...what's your real name?"
Once again, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
After several goes the girl kept to her story so the teacher exasperated finally tells her she can just go to the principals office till she learns to say her real name.
The girl sadly walks to the door then turns to her brother, "Come on Fartface....She ain't gonna believe you either."
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline Samuelxcs

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #47 on: March 29, 2012, 07:20:16 AM »
theists?
"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
-Thomas Szasz

Offline Pounamu

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #48 on: March 29, 2012, 07:29:42 AM »
yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  ;D thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -



Lol! This picture reminds me of this:



 ;D
Piki ake, piki ake ki te ara poutama, ki nga taumatatanga e wairua, hinengaro, tinana!

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #49 on: March 29, 2012, 11:28:37 AM »
Much Ba'alessings upon you, Cadillac.  Learning a new Christian Bale pun always makes my day, and as we all know -


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Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #50 on: March 29, 2012, 11:52:35 AM »
Is there one for Christian Fletcher?
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #51 on: March 29, 2012, 12:02:00 PM »
Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short?  :D
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #52 on: March 29, 2012, 12:08:00 PM »
Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short?  :D
Is Ricky a Retardo?.. Santorum, most definitely.
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Get on your knees right now and thank GOD for not being real!

Offline Backspace

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #53 on: March 29, 2012, 02:05:46 PM »
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed... 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating; you've named your daughter Candy." 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money, and it too manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." 

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol;  again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." 

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #54 on: March 29, 2012, 03:29:24 PM »
What do you call a paper priest?



Answer - The pulp


Is there one for Christian Fletcher?

Do you mean the surfer, the photographer, or the armorer?  I'm sure I could think of a suitably tasteless one.
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Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #55 on: March 29, 2012, 03:43:55 PM »
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.  The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
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Offline atheola

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #56 on: March 29, 2012, 04:10:36 PM »
I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P
You better believe it's not butter or you'll burn in hell forever and EVER!
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Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #57 on: March 29, 2012, 04:27:25 PM »
Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks.  :P

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.
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