Awful Jokes Thread

[One Above All]

A lion wakes up in a foul mood and prowls through the jungle, generally terrorising the other animals.

He happens upon a field mouse, and stares down at it menacingly. He roars "why are you so small?"

To which the field mouse responds "well, I haven't been very well"

...I don't get it.
*is feeling stupid*

[magicmiles]

The lion has terrified everything it encounters and expects the field mouse will be similarly terrified.

It taunts the mouse...but the mouse has a lot of self-confidence, and assumes that the lion has noticed it has lost weight and is asking why...

[Energized]

A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.

[Energized]

A blonde was driving her convertible sports car to visit her boyfriend. She was listening to her radio and the jockey was telling blonde jokes. She became very irrate.

As she drove past a wheat field, she noticed another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the field, pretending to row as though she were in water.

The sports car blonde slammed on the brakes, got out of her car and stood at the edge of the field, shouting "I've just listened to a radio jockey tell the most awful blonde jokes ever! And there you are in the middle of a wheat field rowing! You're just encouraging the stereotype of the dumb blonde! If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass!"

E.

[screwtape]

A blonde walks into a bakery and asks for an apple pie from the display case. The baker takes it out and inquires "Would you like me to cut it for you? I can cut it to 6 pieces or 8". The blonde replies, "Better make it six, I don't think I could eight."

E.

"You better make it four. I don't think I could eat eight."
Yogi Berra at a dinner in an Italian restaurant, when asked into how many slices his pizza should be cut

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra

[Energized]

A straight man walks into a gay bar and sits at the bar. A very effeminate bartender walks over and asks, "What'll it be, sailor?" The straight man asks for a beer. The bartender brings him a draft.

After a few minutes, the bartender and the straight man are having a discussion.

"Do you have a name for your penis, sailor?"

"A name?" asks the straight man.

"Yes, a name. Like mine. I call my dick, Nike. You know, 'Just Do It.' "

The straight man thinks for a few seconds and replies, "I call mine secret."

"Secret?" the bartender asks.

"Yes, secret," the straight man replies. "You know, 'Strong Enough for a Man, Made for a Woman.' "

E.

[RNS]

yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  thanks!

[BaalServant]

yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

[RNS]

hahaha! that's exactly what my friend brought up after I did the joke on her!!

[rev45]

Picture puns.

[atheola]

Remember... dismember.... wait..wouldn't dismember roughly equal forgetting and remember mean having body parts sewn back on?

[nogodsforme]

yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

I told the joke at dinner last night and could barely get through it with a straight face. Caught my daughter!

My MIL was just confused. Mybe she didn't have her ears in....

[nogodsforme]

Why did the lion cross the road and kill the chicken?

Cause it was in a fowl mood.

[ducks]

[turkeys]

 

[DumpsterFire]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[kin hell]

two blokes walk out of a pub

there's a dog in the gutter licking itself where dogs can

one bloke say  "I wish I could do that...."

his mate replies " If you pat him, ........he might let you"

[atheola]

That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt. 

[kin hell]

That is horrible kin....and older'n dirt. 

excellent a mature age dirty joke      ..........what you whinging about?

[atheola]

OK..Two kids, bother and sister go to first day of their new scool.
The teacher tells the little girl to stand up and tell the class her name so she stands and says, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
Tbe teacher looked at her with a smile. "Come on little girl...what's your real name?"
Once again, "SNOTNOSE SMITH!"
After several goes the girl kept to her story so the teacher exasperated finally tells her she can just go to the principals office till she learns to say her real name.
The girl sadly walks to the door then turns to her brother, "Come on Fartface....She ain't gonna believe you either."

[Samuelxcs]

theists?

[Cadillac]

yo MM, I tried the Witherspoon one on my friend the other day and it worked like a charm  thanks!

Hey, same here!  Awesome joke - reminded us of this -

Lol! This picture reminds me of this:



 

[BaalServant]

Much Ba'alessings upon you, Cadillac.  Learning a new Christian Bale pun always makes my day, and as we all know -

[atheola]

Is there one for Christian Fletcher?

[nogodsforme]

Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short? 

[atheola]

Is Barry White? Is Lewis Black? Is Marvin Gaye? Is George Strait? Is Rich Little? Is Martin Short? 

Is Ricky a Retardo?.. Santorum, most definitely.

[Backspace]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed... 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating; you've named your daughter Candy." 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money, and it too manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." 

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol;  again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." 

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[BaalServant]

What do you call a paper priest?



Answer - The pulp

Is there one for Christian Fletcher?

Do you mean the surfer, the photographer, or the armorer?  I'm sure I could think of a suitably tasteless one.

[EV]

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him.  The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

[atheola]

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks. 

[BaalServant]

Ooh, I just heard a good one.

How does Sean Connery wash his dishes?



Answer - like a Bosch.

@ElliotViola - nice thread!

I probably have it wrong... Captain Bly's nemesis..Fletcher Christian.. my memory sucks. 

Don't sweat it - my knowledge of literature sucks.  I don't even know what book they are from.