Author Topic: Awful Jokes Thread  (Read 16270 times)

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Offline EV

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Awful Jokes Thread
« on: March 22, 2012, 10:24:13 AM »
After seeing many comments about jokes, I decided to take action.

Alright guys and gals, hit me with your best.
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"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline ParkingPlaces

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2012, 10:54:52 AM »
Two snowmen, standing out in the yard. One says to the other "Do you smell carrots?"
What I lack in sophistication I make up for with other shortcomings.

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2012, 11:17:04 AM »
This guy is feeling a little under the weather, so he goes to the GP for a check up.

The doctor then proceeds to go through the usual stuff-
He gets his stethoscope out, listens to his chest and back, asks him to take a deep breath, cough, taps his knee with that little hammer thing to check his reflex arcs, looks in his eyes and ears with ophthalmo/otoscope, and so on and so on.

Then, at one point, he looks down at his clip board, then back at the patient. he has a very grave look on his face and after a few moments pause tells the patient, in quite a serious, somber, voice,

"I'm afraid you are going to have to stop masturbating, sir"

The patient, fairly alarmed (for quite obvious reasons!!), asks hysterically,

"But why, doc? What's wrong?!"

So the doctor replies,

"I'm trying to perform a physical examination on you..."



EDIT: also, Elliot, do you not think it's somewhat bad etiquette to start this thread and not offer a joke of your own? come on boyo, SHOW. ME. THE FUNNY! xD
« Last Edit: March 22, 2012, 11:23:28 AM by RNS »
love and truth and love of truth

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2012, 11:58:10 AM »
Sorry RNS! I did write one down, but I must have deleted it when I hit post... :P

Try these ones:

'I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih-tzu.'

(say it out loud if you don't get it)

'What do you call a girl lying in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.'
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2012, 12:01:22 PM »
nice, nice :) i really love silly little jokes
love and truth and love of truth

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2012, 12:04:06 PM »
A bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawing disability!"
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2012, 12:10:35 PM »
lame science jokes:

why is there no aspirin in the jungle? because the parrots-eat-em-ol!

guy goes into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. the barman says, "sure" and pours him the drink. the guy asks, "so what do i owe ya?"
the barman points at the beverage and replies, "that's 80p"
love and truth and love of truth

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2012, 12:12:01 PM »
HAHA RNS that one was brilliant!

What happened to the guy who couldn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline Backspace

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2012, 01:38:51 PM »
Here are a couple that crack me up - I may have pulled them from this website  :angel:

1. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walked into a bar.  The bartender looked at them and said, "What is this, a joke?!"

2. A priest, a thief, and a pedophile walk into a bar... and that was just the first guy!
There is no opinion so absurd that a preacher could not express it.
-- Bernie Katz

Offline Mr. Blackwell

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2012, 02:02:26 PM »
three men walked into a bar...the fourth man ducked.
I am not sure how to describe the intricacies of this Hell, so I chose to begin with the most common or prominent theme of Hell, which is uncertainty.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2012, 02:29:24 PM »
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

Wiped his bum.
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline ungod

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2012, 02:55:41 PM »
Quote
Huckabee Thinks a Fertilized Egg is a Person, Let's Take That to Its Logical Conclusion.
Pandagon. February 28, 2008.

If a fertilized egg is a person vested with full rights and privileges, can post-coital women at least drive in the carpool lane?


=1&date[F]=2&date[Y]=2008&act=Go]http://www.alternet.org/topstories/archives/fall?date[d]=1&date[F]=2&date[Y]=2008&act=Go
Reason is a whore, the greatest enemy that faith has.
Faith must trample under foot all reason, sense, and understanding. - Martin Luther

"What good fortune for those in power that people do not think." - Hitler

Offline mrbiscoop

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2012, 05:53:57 PM »
Q:Why are camels often referred to as the ships of the desert?
A: Because they are filled with Arab seamen.
So you're gonna go out there, drink your drink, say "Goodnight, I've had a very lovely evening", go home, jerk off. And that's all you're gonna do.
     -Vincent Vega

Offline rev45

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2012, 06:07:41 PM »
A doctor was doing a checkup on a blonde teenage girl.  He puts the stethoscope on her and says "big breaths."

She says "Thanks, and I'm only 15."   

Here read a book.  It's free.
http://www.literatureproject.com/

Could a being create the fifty billion galaxies, each with two hundred billion stars, then rejoice in the smell of burning goat flesh?   Ron Patterson

Offline nogodsforme

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2012, 07:15:33 PM »
I'm getting whiplash from shaking my head. &)
When all of Cinderella's finery changed back at midnight, why didn't the shoes disappear? What's up with that?

Offline EV

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2012, 04:22:28 AM »
Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One turns to the other and says:

"Hey, let's go in and get shit-faced"
Quote
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline Anfauglir

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2012, 07:55:07 AM »
A piece of tatty tangled string walks into a bar.

The barman says suspiciously "hey, aren't you a tatty tangled piece of string?"

The tatty tangled piece of string says "no - I'm afraid not".

. . . . .

(another one to read out loud).
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
Why is it so hard for believers to answer a direct question?

Offline screwtape

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2012, 08:29:35 AM »
When I was a kid my parents sent me for swimming lessons one summer.  The instructor called my dad and said "Screwtape cannot come to lessons anymore.  He was peeing in the pool."  Screwtape Sr said, "give him a break.  Lots of little kids pee in the pool!"

The instructor said, "not from the diving board."
What's true is already so. Owning up to it does not make it worse.

Offline Timtheskeptic

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2012, 11:49:50 AM »
a gay man, a bisexual man, and a transexual man walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "You're not welcome here!"
The three yelled at him, "How dare you! We're born this way!"
Bartender, "Not you, Rick Santorum was following you with his camera. He's hoping to catch of gay action in here again!"
Me:What are you looking at Eminem?
Brother: Nothing, Harry Potter.

I love to read books, just not your Bible. i support gay rights and women's rights. Why? Because i'm tired of the hate, stupidity, and your desire to control us all and make up lies.

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #19 on: March 24, 2012, 06:23:16 AM »
A rabbi was retiring, and he decided to move to a relatively unpopulated, faraway land so he could spend his last years contemplating things.

It was mountainous country, but with temperate weather year round.  He would spend his mornings hiking up to vistas to enjoy the views as he sat and contemplated.  There was another hermit who lived nearby that he found to be of enjoyable company.  Some nights, they would share a dinner together. 

One morning, after a few months of near solitude, he came to a little sign staked in the ground that read, "Village of the Trids."  Curious, he went on, hoping to meet these people that the hermit had never mentioned.  He was startled when he came across a village that was normal in every respect, except that everything was quarter-sized.  Quarter-sized buildings, quarter-sized doors, even quarter sized tools lying about.

Not to mention, quarter-sized, blue skinned people.  'Hello,' the rabbi said, wondering if the Trids spoke his language.  They did, and they turned out to be quite friendly.  After an hour of conversation, the rabbi noted how late it was, bade the Trids a good evening, and headed home.

The next day, he started earlier than normal, and headed directly toward the Trid's village.  These blue skinned people intrigued him, and found he had many more things he'd wanted to talk about with them.

When he arrived, the place was deserted.  Puzzled, he was about to call out, when he heard a Trid-sounding cheer coming from the distance.  He headed that way, and as he neared a large cliff-side clearing, he could see through the foliage that the hermit was there with the Trids.

He paused to see what was happening and was astounded and frightened.  The Trids were lined up at the edge of the cliff, and the hermit ran up to one of them, swung his leg, and booted one of the Trids right off of the cliff into the expanse.  The Trids all cheered at this, and watched their cousin plummet.

The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes, and he stayed there frozen for fear of being discovered.  After a few more Trids were sent flying, and a few more joyous cheers, the Trids returned to their village and the hermit headed back down the mountain.

That night, the rabbi couldn't sleep.  What was going on?  Why were these Trids so happily accepting such a thing?  What was the purpose?  He decided to get to the bottom of it.

For the next week, the rabbi journeyed to the Trid village early in the morning before light, hid himself in the bushes by the cliff-side clearing, and watched as the hermit kicked ten or 15 willing Trids into the abyss.  He noticed that Trids that were kicked off of the mountain were always present the next morning, appearing to be no worse for the wear.

On the seventh morning, the rabbi couldn't take the mystery anymore.  He stood up, and stepped out of his hiding place.  All the Trids and the hermit turned to him, and the rabbi said, "What is going on?  I've been watching you all do this for weeks, and I don't understand it!  Do you Trids actually enjoy this?  Hermit, you seem like a perfecly peaceful, reasonable person.  What is this about?

The hermit replied, "Yes, the Trids love this.  They asked me to do it.  It's always been their tradition for as long as they know to start their days like this.  You see, this is a magical cliff, and being kicked off of it results in no harm.  At the bottom of the cliff is a stream, and in that stream are the most delectable fishes you have ever tasted.  So every day, some Trids go down there and retrieve some fishes for the night's feast.  They asked me to do the kicking for them a few years back, as it's so much easier for me to do."

"It doesn't hurt them?" asked the rabbi.

"Not a bit!  It's actually quite an enjoyable fall." replied the hermit.  "I assure you, it's a magic cliff, and this has been going on for generations of Trids."

"Well, shoot."  said the rabbi.  "I must admit, it really does sound and look like fun.  What do I have to lose - can you let me go next?"

The hermit shook his head and replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #20 on: March 24, 2012, 08:17:06 AM »
^ I don't get it :/
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Offline jynnan tonnix

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2012, 10:20:32 AM »
Tagline of commercials for Trix cereal...there's always a rabbit trying unsuccesfully to trick the kids out of their Trix, whereupon they tell him, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids".

Offline ParkingPlaces

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2012, 10:39:51 AM »
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating it, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the ceiling full of holes. Then it walks out of the restaurant with the manager close behind. "Hey!" the manager shouts, "Where are you going? You just shot up my restaurant and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back, "Hey, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager goes back, opens his dictionary and finds this.  Panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
What I lack in sophistication I make up for with other shortcomings.

Offline BaalServant

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2012, 03:56:21 PM »
Tagline of commercials for Trix cereal...there's always a rabbit trying unsuccesfully to trick the kids out of their Trix, whereupon they tell him, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids".

: )

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Offline RNS

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #24 on: March 25, 2012, 02:44:55 PM »
Ahah. Don't think we got that cereal over here.

'One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet."

Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf." '
love and truth and love of truth

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #25 on: March 25, 2012, 05:45:15 PM »
A proctologist walks down the hospital corridor with a chart, and reaches behind his ear. He pulls out an anal thermometer.

"Hey" he says "Some bum's stolen my pen"
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #26 on: March 25, 2012, 05:50:31 PM »
A lion wakes up in a foul mood and prowls through the jungle, generally terrorising the other animals.

He happens upon a field mouse, and stares down at it menacingly. He roars "why are you so small?"

To which the field mouse responds "well, I haven't been very well"
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #27 on: March 25, 2012, 05:53:16 PM »
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Damn..
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: Awful Jokes Thread
« Reply #28 on: March 25, 2012, 05:59:00 PM »
a good one to try out verbally when you get a chance.

You tell a friend that you just heard an actress was stabeed. Reece someone or other.

To which they will invariably respond: Witherspoon?

And then you can, with as straight a face as possible, say. No - it was with a knife.

And then often you need to duck as yiur friend tries to belt you one.
It's good to know the door can still be open wide.