Author Topic: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?  (Read 2689 times)

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Offline The Gawd

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obvious example: Abraham would be in prison for attempted 1st degree murder of Isaac (or his other son if you believe the Muslim text) and forced to guard his rectum daily from the prospect of what happens to people who hurt children in prison


Jesus and his cult following would suffer the same demise as David



somewhere in there is a spare rib dinner for cheap...

who else...

Offline ParkingPlaces

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 10:24:10 PM »
Well, I'm pretty sure there would be a lot more divorce. Lot's husband would have a juicy book contract. Jonah would probably have a special on the History Channel and Noah would be showing off his boatbuilding skills on some folksy NPR program. Judas would keep showing up on Dr. Phil, who would be sympathetic, and jc would end up being fined by Judge Judy and the afterwards christians would worship the almighty dollar because their savior was fined to death. And he wouldn't have risen from the death, but rather he would have come back after the tax rate for the 1%ers dropped below $35 a year.

The building of Babel would be on the Home and Garden network, King David would run Apple, the pharaoh would be dealing with an uprising caused by folks who tweeted about the frickin' grasshoppers, and Paul would have a program right before Pat Robertson's on CBN. Goliath would miss the big battle because he played for the Oakland Raiders, (David would have gotten famous on YouTube by providing us with cute kitty videos). Jc's famous tweet "Why hast thou forsaken me?" would have been overlooked because of the popularity of the hashtag #sodom. Facebook would be a mess, what with all of Moses' followers being lost in the desert and complaining about the sand.

And WWGHA would still be going strong, even though we would of course have an answer to the question we have about amputees. It would be because he'a jerk.
Not everyone is entitled to their own opinion. They're all entitled to mine though.

Offline magicmiles

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 10:32:56 PM »
Saul would be the nastiest, most frequent poster on WWGHA. Then he'd stop posting for a day or two.

Then a new user, Paul, would claim he had met God up close and personal, but would eventually be shamed for having a sock account.
Go on up you baldhead.

Offline JeffPT

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 11:26:52 PM »
jc would end up being fined by Judge Judy

That's probably true.  Any guy with long hair that dresses in a bathrobe all the time is not going to fare well with her. 

Saul would be the nastiest, most frequent poster on WWGHA. Then he'd stop posting for a day or two.

I know this is probably a joke, but I'm going to have to call you on that.  The implication here is that Saul hated Christians so he would come here to spew venom at them (as if that's what we are all doing here).  The only problem with that theory is that Saul was a Jew, not an atheist.  His hatred of Christians stemmed from the fact that Christians believed Jesus was the messiah and he thought they were full of shit.  He wouldn't last long here because we'd call him full of shit too.

Your subconscious stereotyping of all atheists on this site as Christian haters is showing, magicmiles... Tread carefully.  He hated Christians and wanted them dead because of his religious beliefs.  We have no such issue. 

Don't sweat it too much.  I'm just busting your balls.  The joke wasn't bad. 

And just so you know... You're right... I'm no fun at parties.  :( 

Then a new user, Paul, would claim he had met God up close and personal, but would eventually be shamed for having a sock account.

First question I would have for him is why the hell he changed his name to Paul?  Second, I would ask him Why Won't the Jewish God Heal Amputees?  And third, I would ask him if his epilepsy was still bothering him and whether or not he knew that having strange visions during a seizure was relatively common and that they shouldn't be taken as a sign from an invisible sky man.   
Whenever events that are purported to occur in our best interest are as numerous as the events that will just as soon kill us, then intent is hard, if not impossible to assert. NDT

Offline jetson

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 11:37:16 PM »
Saul would be the nastiest, most frequent poster on WWGHA. Then he'd stop posting for a day or two.

Then a new user, Paul, would claim he had met God up close and personal, but would eventually be shamed for having a sock account.

I LOL'd.   ;D

Offline Fiji

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 02:10:37 AM »
Joseph and Maria would appear Jerry Springer. With Joseph calling her a two-timing bitch and Maria going, "But it was a holy ghost! You can't say no to a ghost! Ask any Hollywood script writer!"
Plus, according to the Quran, that ghost was well hung, so any time the camera focusses on Joseph, there'll be a caption saying "Not well hung according to Maria."

Also ... will Jesus file a copyright infringement lawsuit against anyone posting images of 'Jesus on toast/moldy cheese/a dogs rectum!'?
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

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Offline Mr. Blackwell

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2012, 02:17:08 AM »
It is happening today.
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Offline sun_king

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2012, 03:47:18 AM »
There is a restraining order against Pontius Pilate.

Common Basilisk is hunted to extinction with a vengeance.

A wooden maritime vessel fails basic safety tests and is denied permit. US navy acquires it for gunnery practice.

Val Valentino is crucified by terrorists

Joseph is the CEO of IKEA


Offline The Gawd

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2012, 06:43:19 AM »
It is happening today.

thats how I always felt, and christians insistance on ignoring that in my mind was evidence that they felt their god doesnt do anything today and that jesus was indeed dead. If not, there's no reason that more chapters wouldnt be written...

The Book of The Gawd Ch 1 v 1: And thus it came to pass that humans made it possible for humans to fly in large steel aircraft, whilest the Lord was defeated by primitive iron chariots. Amen.

Anywho...


the episode of Maury with Joseph and Mary...  Joseph would be on the stage sweating balls while waiting for the DNA test results, God cool as a cucumber. Then "Joseph, you are NOT the father" *god smirks and claps* "Yahweh, you are NOT the father" *fury builds in gods face* "Goat milk man(we'll call him Abdul, he was hung like a donkey), you ARE the father!!" *god storms off the stage pissed* Abdul: "I guess I gotta handle my responsibilities as a father..."

now that I think about it, how convenient for yahweh to send his son before the time of DNA testing. This story coulda been a really quick one had he waited a couple thousand years.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 07:00:44 AM by The Gawd »

Offline jetson

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2012, 07:06:45 AM »
And so it was, two thousand years had passed, and God said "Let there be iPhones".  And they were pretty good.  And Joseph and Mary did become grandparents with iPhones.  With Siri.  And Siri spoketh unto them and said "Do not speak into the microphone of Android, lest ye learn the open source ways of the great spawn of Satan, Google."

And Google did become the mind of all, and search engines are awesome.  And so it came to be that upon the internet, mankind has fulfilled his destiny, and her destiny, and the Gay and Lesbian destiny, as well as the destiny of the unborn who spoketh not on any phone for they were released early from the perils of earthliness while still in the womb, by the wicked, but brilliant who knew better than to listen to the pro-life whacks who had no phones either.  Somebody killed another fig tree.

And they wandered endlessly upon the desert of Google, searching forever.  And they did find their ancestors, the original slaves of Compuserve and AOL.  That was too much, and they did press the back arrow.  For among the billions who believe, Google watches, waits, and silently provides for all of us.  Fear not the Bings, for they know not who they serve.

And those who found the brightest Starbucks among them all, through Google, did find paradise and behold, it was unbelievably expensive.  But flavor and excessive costs is no match for those who follow Google.  And Google has not yet rested, for it's stock price is too high.

And as we walk through the shadow of the valley of the Internets, an ancient reminder that Google is now God, shows it's beacon and calls the old atheists, who now Google, to a place.  A place where all are welcome, but few survive.  WWGHA.

Offline The Gawd

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2012, 10:15:12 AM »
snippage
+1 for the language alone

We'd have Noah getting harassed by PETA for collecting millions upon millions of creatures, some by the two's and some by the seven's, and keeping them in inhumane conditions on a boat he made by hand, and subsequently would have the conservationists on his ass for chopping down all those trees.

He'd be the "cat lady" on steroids.

Offline Hatter23

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2012, 10:31:57 AM »
snippage
+1 for the language alone

We'd have Noah getting harassed by PETA for collecting millions upon millions of creatures, some by the two's and some by the seven's, and keeping them in inhumane conditions on a boat he made by hand, and subsequently would have the conservationists on his ass for chopping down all those trees.

He'd be the "cat lady" on steroids.

Tonight on "Hoarders" the worst case we've ever seen...a eldererly, possibly senile man claiming to be 900 years old with between 3 and 10 million animals aboard a houseboat.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 12:16:50 PM by Hatter23 »
An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

And you should feel guilty for this. Give me money.

Offline Ivellios

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2012, 10:41:11 AM »
David the new husband of King Saul's daughter has been served a notice that he is being charged via the DA's Office. Charges are: 200 counts of trespassing, 200 counts of breaking in and entering, 200 counts of assault with a deadly weapon, 200 counts of mutliation. King Saul has been charged as well. Then another charge is served: sale and purchase of a human and prostitution, from Saul's daughter.

One quote from the trial:
Quote
He sold me, to sleep in THAT man's bed for 100 foreskins... FORESKINS!!!!

another:
Quote
DA: So what made you decide to get 200 instead of 100?
David: Huh? Because, I am a Real Man! I've slain thousands to Sauls hundreds!
DA: So you admit to murder?
David: You betcha! Why else would you think his son took off his clothes for me?
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 10:47:48 AM by TruthSeeker »

Offline Mr. Blackwell

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2012, 10:53:44 AM »
One quote from the trial:
Quote
He sold me, to sleep in THAT man's bed for 100 foreskins... FORESKINS!!!!



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Offline pianodwarf

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2012, 11:03:56 AM »
Tonight on "Hoarders" the worst case we've ever seen...a eldererly, possibly sensile man claiming to be 900 years old with between 3 and 10 million animals aboard a houseboat.

To be followed by Jesus appearing as guest star on this week's episode of "Undercover Boss".
[On how kangaroos could have gotten back to Australia after the flood]:  Don't kangaroos skip along the surface of the water? --Kenn

Offline Historicity

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2012, 11:55:28 AM »
Since Xianity has made an alliance with the right wing nowadays, here's a point that has been covered up to all of you.

The Sunday School version of the story is that Joseph ben Jacob had a prophecy that Pharoah should store up grain during the 7 fat years and distribute it in a 7 year famine.  After 14 years Joseph was a national hero of Egypt for this.  But that is NOT what the Bible says.  Read carefully:

Quote
Gen 41:34 Let Pharaoh do this, and let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the seven plenteous years.
...
41:53 And the seven years of plenteousness, that was in the land of Egypt, were ended.  And the seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands; but in all the land of Egypt there was bread. And when all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried to Pharaoh for bread: and Pharaoh said unto all the Egyptians, Go unto Joseph; what he saith to you, do.

And the famine was over all the face of the earth: and Joseph opened all the storehouses, and sold unto the Egyptians; and the famine waxed sore in the land of Egypt.

So the Egyptians had to sell what they had to the pharoah for food.  What did they have left?  Their land. 

In the modern era Joseph would have been an official in some dictatorship.


Offline velkyn

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2012, 12:44:02 PM »
gee, one *more* biblical asshole.  whodaguessed?
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Offline Ivellios

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #17 on: February 09, 2012, 01:58:30 PM »
Since Xianity has made an alliance with the right wing nowadays, here's a point that has been covered up to all of you.

So the Egyptians had to sell what they had to the pharoah for food.  What did they have left?  Their land. 

In the modern era Joseph would have been an official in some dictatorship.

It goes further. After selling thier land the next thing they had to sell.... thier very lives. This is why, boys and girls, you have to pay taxes. You're renting your life from the government.

Offline 12 Monkeys

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #18 on: February 09, 2012, 03:14:00 PM »
snippage
+1 for the language alone

We'd have Noah getting harassed by PETA for collecting millions upon millions of creatures, some by the two's and some by the seven's, and keeping them in inhumane conditions on a boat he made by hand, and subsequently would have the conservationists on his ass for chopping down all those trees.

He'd be the "cat lady" on steroids.

Tonight on "Hoarders" the worst case we've ever seen...a eldererly, possibly senile man claiming to be 900 years old with between 3 and 10 million animals aboard a houseboat.
Immediatly following Hoarders,Dr. Phil special on how Noah and his family repopulated the earth,without offending God with the whole incest nonsense. Dr. Phil gets to the bottom of the issue.
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Offline Hatter23

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #19 on: February 09, 2012, 04:02:41 PM »
A lot of them would be news broadcasts starting with "Local community leader was committed to a mental health facility today" regarding the ludicrous unprovable magical claims that occur throughout the bible.

Of course unless those events really happened; then it would be "Noted atheist author Richard Dawkins abandons disblief; his stated reason: Actual evidence for a change"








An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

And you should feel guilty for this. Give me money.

Offline The Wannabe

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2012, 04:24:23 PM »
David and Jonathan would finally come out of the closet and move to New York, where they would get hitched and adopt two beautiful black babies  ;)
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Offline nogodsforme

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2012, 06:25:31 PM »
You guys are funnier than.....Leno. :D
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline Fiji

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2012, 03:13:13 AM »
Various Arab leaders call upon the UN to send observers to Egypt to investigate claims by the opposition that the army has used biological and chemical weapons upon the population. Shaky footage starts appearing on youtube of the Nile turing red, various kinds of animals overrunning entire villages, hospitals overflowing with obviously very ill people. There are as jet unsubstansiated reports of mass graves with nothing but children in them and CNN gets a meteorologist to comment on the apparent weaponization of weather manipulation. Ties between Egypt and China are theorized while footage of violent hailstorms over Cairo are shown in the background.
Meanwhile, Nasa is baffled by the eclipse over, you've guessed it, Egypt, they completely failed to predict.

Still in Egypt, in the Sinai, a whole bunch of people are found wandering about. One of them is interviewed and he says, "We did have GSP but we just couldn't get a singal! For a while I didn't think we'd make it. Man, it feels like we've been out here for decades!"
Science: I'll believe it when I see it
Faith: I'll see it when I believe it

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Offline Energized

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2012, 01:01:12 PM »
Would-Be Messiah Arrested.
David Saul, AP Wire


A would be messiah has been arrested for starting a brawl at Passover celebrations in Jerusalem this morning.

Lord Jesus Christ was arrested outside the Jerusalem temple this morning without incident. He has been charged with assault, petty vandalism, uttering threats and impersonating a diety.

Mr. Christ was in Jerusalem for Passover when he went to temple to pray. Having recently travelled with a friend from Greece, Mr. Christ became irate when a money changer argued over the exchange rate to Jewish currency.

“I told him the exchange rate was fixed at 16%. Mr. Christ said he was being ‘jewed’ and threw his friend’s money at me,” said Ari Guttenberg of the First National Bank of Israel.

According to eyewitnesses, Mr. Christ then overturned the tables in the market, drove out the animals therein, and began to curse the rest of the banking representatives in the square. Many escaped, fearing for their lives.

“He was shouting we’d all burn in hell,” said Helga Cooper, owner of Helga’s Delights and Deli. “ I was a little taken aback. He came across as a very gentle soul when he complemented me on my gefilte fish.”

Mr. Christ, who is known to local authorities, was currently out on probation for another incident involving the destruction of a fig tree. His bond has been revoked in light of the recent charges.

“It just shows a pattern of destruction with this guy. The Roman Empire takes these incidents very seriously and we’ll be launching an investigation shortly,” said Pontius Pilate, Prefect of the Roman empire.

Mr. Christ was transported to Holy Heart Hospital for psychological evaluation and has also been placed on suicide watch.
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Offline albeto

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2012, 02:07:15 PM »
Whatever the hell was pulling the chariots the Egyptians used to chase the Israelites would have been noticed and an iphone video would be viral by now.

Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘Go to Pharaoh, and say to him, “Thus says the Lord, the God of the Hebrews: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. For if you refuse to let them go and still hold them, the hand of the Lord will strike with a deadly pestilence your livestock in the field: the horses, the donkeys, the camels, the herds, and the flocks. But the Lord will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and the livestock of Egypt, so that nothing shall die of all that belongs to the Israelites.”‘ The Lord set a time, saying, “Tomorrow the Lord will do this thing in the land.” And on the next day the Lord did so; all the livestock of the Egyptians died, but of the livestock of the Israelites not one died. [Exodus 9:1-6, NRSV]
Couldn't have been the horses, what with the horses all being dead:

When the king of Egypt was told that the people had fled, the minds of Pharaoh and his officials were changed toward the people, and they said, ‘What have we done, letting Israel leave our service?’ So he had his chariot made ready, and took his army with him; he took six hundred picked chariots and all the other chariots of Egypt with officers over all of them. The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt and he pursued the Israelites, who were going out boldly. The Egyptians pursued them, all Pharaoh’s horses and chariots, his chariot drivers and his army; they overtook them camped by the sea, by Pihahiroth, in front of Baal-zephon. [Exodus 14:5-9, NRSV]

Offline velkyn

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2012, 02:42:43 PM »
oh my, that's perfect Albeto. I had never noticed that.   ;D  Maybe the Pharoah's sorcerer's were using mummy horses  8)
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Offline ParkingPlaces

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2012, 03:22:38 PM »
Nah, one of those two stories is metaphorical. No inconsistencies here folks. Carry on.

+1 anyway. You had me going for a second  ;D
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Offline nogodsforme

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2012, 04:45:29 PM »
Variety

New Jew Woo View!
Spielberg Summer Blockbuster Opens This Weekend

Revelations of the Last Days, the much-awaited sequel to Spielberg’s Hell and Damn Nation premieres this weekend amid media hype, teenage fanfare and the wild rejoicing of stock holders.  The film, which cost an estimated $66.6 million, is predicted to bring in revenues of "biblical proportions", say investors.

Revelations features Robert Downey Jr. in the lead role as amoral billionaire Lucifer Satan, developer of the highly successful but controversial Last Days Virtual Reality Park.  Scarlett Johansson is a standout as Eve Adams, Satan’s sultry ass-kicking personal assistant. 

The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse are ably portrayed by Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, who also provide the picture’s hit theme songs, “Hell Is An Eternity With You", and "Armageddon You Outta My Life.”

Mickey Rourke, in his usual scruffy persona, plays Jesus H. Christ as a sullen, dysfunctional hippie on the skids. Once a popular self-help guru with a following in the millions, Christ spends his days drinking wine and cursing at fruit trees. (Nick Nolte reportedly read for the part.)
 
Morgan Freeman reprises his previous role as Jah Jah Weh, the wise but comically inscrutable community organizer.

This previewer was wowed by the special effects, courtesy of Industrial Light and Magic. The scene of a partially-clothed Scarlett Johansson being consumed by the lake of fire was especially hot.

Critics have complained that the film deviates widely from the original story, but Spielberg has responded by stating that the original story does not exist. “Who asked Whitney Houston if the original Cinderella had a black crackhead pop singer as the fairy godmother?” he is reported to have stated.
 
Watch for Rush Limbaugh in a brief cameo as Jabba the Hutt.
 8)
Extraordinary claims of the bible don't even have ordinary evidence.

Kids aren't paying attention most of the time in science classes so it seems silly to get worked up over ID being taught in schools.

Offline fishjie

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Re: If the bible was happening today, what would happen to the characters?
« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2012, 07:32:04 PM »
same old same old.

israelites try to conquer the middle east.    arabs build iron chariots.   israelites flee in terror.

jesus condemns the hypocrisy of the christian church.     republicans crucify him.

samson is undefeated ufc fighter.     nagging wife finally figures out where he keeps his supply of steroids and replaces them with placebo after being paid off by the mafia.