Author Topic: In the beginning  (Read 288 times)

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Offline Mr. Blackwell

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In the beginning
« on: December 16, 2011, 01:22:33 AM »
From a book I found a many years ago. I present an excerpt from the Boomer Bible...enjoy!


KINESIS, The First Book Of Apes

1. At the beginning the begging there was nothing but a big ball of gases.
2 For a long time it just sat there in the nothingness, getting hotter and hotter.
3 Then it exploded.
4 The explosion created the stars, which were burning bubbles of the first big ball of gases.
5 The stars threw out chunks of debris that cooled and became planets.
6 The planets spun round and became round.

Chapter 2
In a remote and insignificant sector of the universe, one planet fell into an orbit around
its star that by accident made its surface conducive to the molecular formations known as
amino acids.
2 Neither so close to their planet's star as to be incinerated, nor so far from it as to be frozen,
the acids survived,
3 And proceeded to combine into new molecules of a complexity advanced enough to permit
change and growth,
4 And meiosis, and the development of certain other transient characteristics of a generic
nature classifiable as life.

Chapter 3
Changing and growing and reproducing in response to the random stimuli of the planet's
chemistry, life thrived and multiplied,
2 And spread from the hospitable environment of liquid oxygenated hydrogen where it
began to the more challenging environment of the planet's solid mineral masses.
3 The new environment stimulated further molecular changes that enabled living organisms
to increase dramatically in size and complexity.
4 The organisms grew bigger and bigger,
5 And then much much bigger,
6 And even bigger than that, until some of the many life-forms on the planet's surface were
so enormous as to be dinosaurs.

Chapter 4
The dinosaurs were gigantic scaly beasts with infinitely small brains and infinitely large
appetites, both for plants and for each other.
2 Created by numerous accidents of evolution, the dinosaurs managed to become extinct, not
by accident, but by their own stupidity.
3 The dinosaurs ate all of the plants in their environment and soon starved stupidly to death.
4 When the dinosaurs became extinct, other smaller life-forms became dominant on the
planet's surface.

Chapter 5
These other smaller life forms were mammals, which had hairy bodies, warm blood, and
small brains that were nevertheless larger than the brains of the dinosaurs
2 Over a long period of time after the dinosaurs became extinct, the hairy bodies of the
mammals grew bigger and bigger, until there were many large animals on the planet's
surface.
3 And some of these were very big indeed and something like elephants, and some of them
were something like cattle, and some of them were something like pigs,
4 And others of them were still quite small and something like rats and cats and dogs.
5 And a lot of them were a lot like monkeys.

Chapter 6
And the ones that were like monkeys had brains that were quite large.
2 And some of these grew quite big and lost their tails, so that they were no longer monkeys,
but apes.
3 And the apes thrived and multiplied, surviving even unto the present age.
4 And with the coming of the apes, the period of time that was the beginning of the earth
ended.



The end of the beginning
APES, The Second Book Of Apes

Chapter 1
When he had come upon the earth, the ape was naked and afraid. For comfort he picked up
a stick, chewed the end to a point, and stuck it in a nearby living thing.
2 When the living thing died, transfixed by the stick, the ape ate of its flesh and soon
conceived a great hunger for death of other living things.
3 Thereupon the ape made many pointed sticks and stuck them into great multitudes of
other living things, including, on occasion, other apes.

Chapter 2
For seven times seven generations of their race, the apes stuck pointed sticks into seven
times seven generations of other living things.
2 And there were seven times seven kinds of apes, and of this number there were brown
apes, and black apes,
3 And green apes, and red apes, and white apes, and yellow apes.
4 And there were small apes, and tall apes, and wide apes, and narrow apes, and thin apes,
and fat apes,
5 And swift apes, and slow apes, and strong apes, and weak apes, and clever apes, and dull
apes.
6 And of this number, all were killer apes.

Chapter 3
And when seven times seven generations had passed, the land fell barren and living things
of all kinds died in great numbers from thirst and hunger and from pointed sticks.
2 And as the living things grew scarce in number, the apes became afraid.
3 For if all other kinds of living things died, there would be nothing left to kill,
4 Except the other apes, all of whom were killer apes, well armed with pointed sticks.
5 And so it happened that the apes banded together, like to like, to keep the other apes from
killing them.
6 Brown apes joined together with brown apes, black apes with black apes,
7 Green apes with green apes, red apes with red apes, white apes with white apes, yellow
apes with yellow apes, 8 And small apes with small apes, tall apes with tall apes, wide apes
with wide apes, narrow apes with narrow apes,
9 And thin apes with thin apes, fat apes with fat apes, swift apes with swift apes, slow apes
with slow apes,
10 And strong apes with strong apes, weak apes with weak apes, cleaver apes with clever
apes, and dull apes with dull apes.

Chapter 4
Thereupon bands of apes turned upon other bands of apes and transfixed one other
with many thousands of pointed sticks.
2 And brown apes killed black apes, even unto extinction.
3 Red apes slew green apes, leaving none alive,
4 And likewise white apes slew yellow apes, and tall apes slew small apes,
5 And wide apes slew narrow apes, and thin apes slew fat
apes,
6 And slow apes slew swift apes, and weak apes slew strong apes,
7 And clever apes slew all the dull apes, and then the strong apes, and the swift apes, and
the tall apes, and the white apes, and the red apes, and the brown apes,
8 Until the clever apes were all alone on the earth, with the exception of the other living
things and many, many trees that could be turned into pointed sticks.
I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering, "I love you" repeatedly as they struggle to break free.

Online wright

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Re: In the beginning
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2011, 01:42:57 AM »
Bwahahahaah!!  :laugh: It's like Genesis + Dr. Seuss + Planet of the Apes + the opening of "2001"! Frickin' hilarious, jayb!!

What is that book? I think I just found another Xmas gift request...
Live a good life... If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.
--Marcus Aurelius

Offline Mr. Blackwell

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Re: In the beginning
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2011, 01:47:38 AM »
Bwahahahaah!!  :laugh: It's like Genesis + Dr. Seuss + Planet of the Apes + the opening of "2001"! Frickin' hilarious, jayb!!

What is that book? I think I just found another Xmas gift request...


 ;D

The Boomer Bible
I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering, "I love you" repeatedly as they struggle to break free.

Online wright

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Re: In the beginning
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2011, 04:19:53 PM »
Live a good life... If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.
--Marcus Aurelius

Offline Mr. Blackwell

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Re: In the beginning
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2011, 03:41:01 PM »
Ok, thanks.

No problem. I wish I still had my book. I gave it to my nephew for his birthday several years ago. Perhaps I will re purchase it when I gets me some more cash.

I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering, "I love you" repeatedly as they struggle to break free.

Offline superfly

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Re: In the beginning
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2011, 04:00:19 PM »
Amazon has them for as low as $0.01 (plus $3.99-s&h) if you don't mind used/paperback.
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!
Kurt Vonnegut