I confess I didn't read through every post, but I skimmed them.
What caught my eye early on, was your notion of the impact of beauty on oneself as being a kind of evidence for a sort of god. I shared this belief. This was the final prop holding up my belief in any sort of god. When I discarded that belief, I became bereft of faith, hence my screen name. I've kept that name, but the good news is that it really no longer applies to me.
For several years, I struggled to find meaning in what I had come to understand was actually a purposeless universe. It was very difficult. I felt that I had lost my soul. I existed as a hollow shell. It was not easy. (Because many of the members here went through no such process, this struggle may appear silly or unnecessary to them, however, it may be necessary for you or me.)
The good news for you, is that if/when you come to the realization that there is no supernatural, OR IF there may be, it is irrelevant, in time you will find a new comfort in that very fact. Your life is yours to make what you will of it. You're free. You can blaze your own path in life. You can dispense with many regrets, and unchain yourself from the oughts of which you have perhaps, fallen short. They don't matter. What matters is what matters to you.
One last thing. When I feel a bit down or hopeless, and it does happen from time to time, I lie back and consider the utter vastness of the universe, from the micro to the macro, and realize that I am a part of it. What we are was forged in the heart of exploding stars. We are part of creation. You are connected to the beginning and the energy and matter of which you're comprised will be here until the end. That to me is far from a lonely thought and is a damned fine destiny.
Oh, and the beauty? It's still there, but it is far more wondrous when one considers that the scale, the detail and the physics behind it, might, if/where conditions had been different, never have been at all.