Author Topic: Stealing from Python  (Read 539 times)

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Offline Hatter23

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Stealing from Python
« on: November 28, 2011, 04:32:59 PM »
A parishoner enters a church.
     Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
     (The owner does not respond.)
     Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
     Parson: What do you mean "miss"?
     Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, It was the frock you are wearing. I wish
to make a complaint!
     Parson: We're closin' for lunch.
     Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this savior I’ve been paying homage to at this very establishment
since I was born.
     Parson: Oh yes, the, uh, the Son of Yahweh...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
     Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's wrong with it!
     Parson: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting in ‘eaven with father.
     Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a failed savior when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now up there on that cross. I found a
passage saying: “But I say unto you of a truth, There are some of
those standing here who shall not taste death until they shall have
seen the kingdom of God “
     Parson: No no he's not dead, he's, he's going to ‘ave a second
coming! Yahweh’s son, we got beautiful rituals
     Mr. Praline: The rituals don't enter into it. He's stone dead.
     Parson: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
     Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', Why I’ll just wake
him. ‘Allo Jesus wake up, I’m doubting you. You will have a saved soul
if…
     Parson: Abba abba gabble geeble! There, the spirit moved me! I
spoke in tounges!
     Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you just spouting
gibberish!
     Parson I never!!
     Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
     Parson: I never, never did anything...
     Mr. Praline: (shouting into the air) I am asking you in your name
for something, Don’t let me blaspheme! Don’t let me sully your icon.
(tears the crucifix off the wall tosses it into the air and it crashes
into the ground)
     Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead Savior.
     Parson: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
     Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
     Parson: Yeah! You stunned him, With your heathen behavior.
Yaweh’s son types stun easily, major.
     Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad
enough of this. That savior is definitely deceased, and when I was
going to mass here you assured me that he was just tuckered out from
saving us from our sins, two millennia ago.
     Parson: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Dead
sea.
     Mr. Praline: PININ' for the Dead Sea?!?!?!? What kind of talk is
that?, look, why did he fail to answer any prayer that couldn’t have
happen by chance EVER!
     Parson: The Yaweh’s son prefers keepin'  it mysterious!
Remarkable savior, id'nit, squire? Lovely rituals!
     Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining this bible
when I got it home, and I discovered it all chock full of
descrepancies. Including miscalculating Pi, saying bats are birds, and
no less than two different ways Judas died.
     (pause)
     Parson: Well, o'course it ‘as descrepancies! If it hadn't people
would thing the lord isn’t mysterious and “VOOM!”
     Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this savior wouldn't "voom" if you
put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
     Parson: No no! 'E's pining!
     Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This savior is no
more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
     rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the cross 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's
off the twig! 'E's kicked the
     bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-SAVIOR!!
     (pause)
     Parson: Well, I'd better replace it, then
An Omnipowerful God needed to sacrifice himself to himself (but only for a long weekend) in order to avert his own wrath against his own creations who he made in a manner knowing that they weren't going to live up to his standards.

And you should feel guilty for this. Give me money.

Offline velkyn

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2011, 03:14:37 PM »
ROFL!  oh my hatter, that's priceless.  ;D
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

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Offline relativetruth

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2011, 03:30:17 PM »
For a few sentences I thought this was a real Python sketch!

In my mind I could hear the voices of John Cleese and Michael Palin (The second funniest Palin , after Sarah, in the world).

Brilliant!!
« Last Edit: November 29, 2011, 03:31:53 PM by relativetruth »
God(s) exist and are imaginary

Offline EV

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2011, 04:11:41 PM »
As an avid follower of all MP (I literally have all the films and every episode of the Flying Circus!) and a child of a newer underprivilegedinthegeniusofpython generation: I applaud you Hatter. I applaud you.

Nobody expects God to heal amputees. Our chief weapon is Logic. Logic and evidence.... Our two main weapons. Logic, Evidence, Common sense...
Our three main weapons are Logic, Evidence and Common Sense.

And an almost fanatical devotion to Darwin...     

I'll come in again.
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"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline Xero-Kill

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2011, 08:57:21 AM »
For a few sentences I thought this was a real Python sketch!

In my mind I could hear the voices of John Cleese and Michael Palin (The second funniest Palin , after Sarah, in the world).

Brilliant!!

I could hear it too... even saw the sketch playing out in my mind except replace the pet store with two guys speaking in front of a confessional. Most excellent!
"Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God? You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen."

~Tyler Durden

Offline Anfauglir

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2011, 07:23:48 AM »
MOUSEBENDER: Good Morning.
JESUS WENSLEYDALE: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Theological Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, thank you my good man.
JESUS: What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all spiritual.
JESUS:  Spiritual, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Seeking beyond this material realm.
JESUS: Eh?
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Eee I were all in search o' gods, like.
JESUS: Ah, in need of something to worship.
MOUSEBENDER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little god will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the procurement of some divine evidence.
JESUS: Come again?
MOUSEBENDER: I want proof of a god.
JESUS: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
JESUS: Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent)  Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
JESUS: So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER: Most certainly. Now then, some evidence for a god please, my good man.
JESUS: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, eh, how about a little Sikhism?
JESUS: I'm afraid we're fresh out of evidence for Sikhism, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh never mind, how are you on Judaism?
JESUS: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir - problems with delivery on account of not knowing which day is the sabbath.
MOUSEBENDER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, some evidence of Hinduism, if you please. JESUS: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Jainism?
JESUS: Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Scientology?
JESUS: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah. Satanism?
JESUS: Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER: Wicca? Paganism?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Any Norwegian Norse gods, per chance?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Greek pantheon?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Roman?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Egyptian?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Cargo Cults?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: American Indian?
JESUS: ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER: Australian Aboriginal?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Voodoo?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Bahai, Rastafari, Madean, Sabian, Bhakti, Mazdak, Ayyavazhi?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Flying Spaghetti Monster, perhaps?
JESUS: Ah! We have evidence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do! Excellent.
JESUS: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit vague.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, I like it vague.
JESUS: Well, it's very vague, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: No matter. Fetch hither le evidence de la Belle Monster Spaghettical! M-mmm!
JESUS: I think it's a bit vaguer than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I don't care how fucking vague it is. Hand it over with all speed.
JESUS: Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER: What now?
JESUS: The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER: Has he?
JESUS: She, sir.
(pause)
MOUSEBENDER: Shinto?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Ashanti?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Lotuko?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Masai?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Aztec?
JESUS: No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do have some evidence for a god or gods, do you?
JESUS: Of course, sir. It's a Theology shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
JESUS: Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Jesus?
JESUS: Yes?
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
JESUS: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Jesus, that's my name.  I'm from South America.
(pause)
MOUSEBENDER: Salish?
JESUS: Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Tengriism?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Tadibya?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Kulam?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Vailala Madness?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Anito?
Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
MOUSEBENDER:
Ah, how about Christianity?
JESUS: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular religion in the world!
JESUS: Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: And what is the most religion round here?
JESUS: Islam, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
JESUS: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
JESUS: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I see. Ah, Islam, eh?
JESUS: Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
JESUS: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not much of a Theology shop, is it?
JESUS: Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
JESUS: Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: It's certainly uncontaminated by evidence of gods.
JESUS: You haven't asked me about Chondogyo, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it worth it?
JESUS: Could be.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
JESUS: (To dancers)  Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you got any evidence of Chondogyo?
JESUS: No.
MOUSEBENDER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
JESUS: Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Have you in fact got any evidence of any gods here at all?
JESUS: Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Really?
(pause)
JESUS: No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You haven't.
JESUS: No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
JESUS: Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER:
(Shoots him)  What a senseless waste of human life.
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
Why is it so hard for believers to answer a direct question?

Offline velkyn

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2011, 09:42:51 AM »
(Shoots him)  What a senseless waste of human life.
Indeed ;D
"There is no use in arguing with a man who can multiply anything by the square root of minus 1" - Pirates of Venus, ERB

http://clubschadenfreude.wordpress.com/

Offline Anfauglir

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2011, 06:40:27 AM »
(Shoots him)  What a senseless waste of human life.
Indeed ;D

Yup, I thought that was very apt!
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
Why is it so hard for believers to answer a direct question?

Offline RaymondKHessel

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2011, 09:57:42 AM »
You know if Python had thought they could get away with it, they would have done that sketch verbatim.  ;D
Born with insight, and a raised fist.

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2011, 06:03:44 PM »
Thanks, Hatter23 and Anfauglir!  ;D
Live a good life... If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.
--Marcus Aurelius

Offline Noman Peopled

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2011, 06:42:08 PM »
And an almost fanatical devotion to Darwin...
Almost!? Blasphemy! Kneel down, wretched soul, and recite three hundred hail Huxley's or else ... er ... nothing much I guess.[1]
 1. Sorry. I'm wittier when I'm awake. Also, yay for Python.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2011, 06:44:56 PM by Noman Peopled »
"Deferinate" itself appears to be a new word... though I'm perfectly carmotic with it.
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Offline EV

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2011, 03:02:22 AM »
And an almost fanatical devotion to Darwin...
Almost!? Blasphemy! Kneel down, wretched soul, and recite three hundred hail Huxley's or else ... er ... nothing much I guess.[1]
 1. Sorry. I'm wittier when I'm awake. Also, yay for Python.

THE COMFY CHAIR.
Quote
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- Philosopher John Stuart Mill, from a Parliamentary debate (May 31, 1866);

Offline kcrady

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Re: Stealing from Python
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2011, 03:56:55 AM »
JESUS: I am Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews.

WOMAN: 'Oo are the Jews?

JESUS: We all are, and I am your King.

WOMAN: Well we didn't vote for you.

JESUS: You don't vote for kings!

WOMAN: Well how do you become one then?

[Soundtrack: Angelic choir]

JESUS: The Three Magi, following the holy light of the Star of Bethlehem, came to my birth and presented me with precious Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh, signifying by Divine Right that I, Jesus, am your King!

DENNIS: Listen.  Strange stargazers on camels distribu'in gifts is no basis for a system of government!  Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical gift-giving ceremony!

JESUS: Be quiet!

DENNIS: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some manky old astrologers threw some presents at you!  If I went around, sayin' I was the Almighty Lord of the Universe 'cause some wankers from the East gave me birthday presents, they'd put me away!

JESUS [Grabs Dennis]: Shut up!  Will you shut up!

DENNIS: Ooooh, now we see the violence inherent in the system!

JESUS: [Shakes MAN]: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh, come see the violence inherent in the system!  Help! Help!  I'm bein' repressed!

JESUS: Bloody atheist!

DENNIS: Oh, what a giveaway.  Did you hear that?  It's all about privileging mindless credulity...
"The question of whether atheists are, you know, right, typically gets sidestepped in favor of what is apparently the much more compelling question of whether atheists are jerks."

--Greta Christina