MOUSEBENDER: Good Morning.
JESUS WENSLEYDALE: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Theological Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, thank you my good man.
JESUS: What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all spiritual.
JESUS: Spiritual, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Seeking beyond this material realm.
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all in search o' gods, like.
JESUS: Ah, in need of something to worship.
MOUSEBENDER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little god will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the procurement of some divine evidence.
JESUS: Come again?
MOUSEBENDER: I want proof of a god.
JESUS: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
JESUS: So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER: Most certainly. Now then, some evidence for a god please, my good man.
JESUS: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, eh, how about a little Sikhism?
JESUS: I'm afraid we're fresh out of evidence for Sikhism, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh never mind, how are you on Judaism?
JESUS: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir - problems with delivery on account of not knowing which day is the sabbath.
MOUSEBENDER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, some evidence of Hinduism, if you please. JESUS: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Jainism?
JESUS: Sorry, sir.
JESUS: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah. Satanism?
MOUSEBENDER: Wicca? Paganism?
MOUSEBENDER: Any Norwegian Norse gods, per chance?
MOUSEBENDER: Greek pantheon?
MOUSEBENDER: Cargo Cults?
MOUSEBENDER: American Indian?
JESUS: ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER: Australian Aboriginal?
MOUSEBENDER: Bahai, Rastafari, Madean, Sabian, Bhakti, Mazdak, Ayyavazhi?
MOUSEBENDER: Flying Spaghetti Monster, perhaps?
JESUS: Ah! We have evidence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do! Excellent.
JESUS: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit vague.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, I like it vague.
JESUS: Well, it's very vague, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: No matter. Fetch hither le evidence de la Belle Monster Spaghettical! M-mmm!
JESUS: I think it's a bit vaguer than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I don't care how fucking vague it is. Hand it over with all speed.
JESUS: Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER: What now?
JESUS: The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER: Has he?
JESUS: She, sir.
JESUS: No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do have some evidence for a god or gods, do you?
JESUS: Of course, sir. It's a Theology shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
JESUS: Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Jesus?
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
JESUS: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Jesus, that's my name. I'm from South America.
JESUS: Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Tengriism?
MOUSEBENDER: Vailala Madness?
Not today, sir, no.
Ah, how about Christianity?
JESUS: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular religion in the world!
JESUS: Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: And what is the most religion round here?
JESUS: Islam, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
JESUS: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
JESUS: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I see. Ah, Islam, eh?
JESUS: Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
JESUS: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not much of a Theology shop, is it?
JESUS: Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
JESUS: Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: It's certainly uncontaminated by evidence of gods.
JESUS: You haven't asked me about Chondogyo, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it worth it?
JESUS: Could be.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
JESUS: (To dancers) Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you got any evidence of Chondogyo?
MOUSEBENDER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
JESUS: Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Have you in fact got any evidence of any gods here at all?
JESUS: Yes, sir.
JESUS: No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You haven't.
JESUS: No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
JESUS: Right-O, sir.
(Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.