What will you say to Satan when you burn in hell?

[Emergence]

"Pinch me!"

[nogodsforme]

Pull my finger.

[jaimehlers]

What's that saying about wanting to rule in hell rather than serve in heaven?

I highly doubt that heaven is all it's advertised to be, and if that's the case, then it's equally unlikely that hell is that way either.

[IAmFirst]

"Oh, sorry, Satan. I got the evite for Mother Teresa's party tomorrow, but I already planned to stop by Ronald Reagan's and Pope Benedict's party, so next time, right red buddy?"

[violatedsmurf80]

can you tell me were i can get a cold one

[Anfauglir]

I'll never get to see him - at least, not untuil loooong past the end of mankind.

About 150,000 people die every day.  Of those, two-thirds are not Christian, so that's a minimum of 100,000 straight off to hell.  Of the 50,000 that are nominally Christian (which includes Mormons, Quakers, Baptists, Catholics, LDSs, JWs......) let's err on the side of caution and say that about ten percent have (a) adopted the right denomination, and (b) have been strict enough adherents to whatver the right faith is to get to heaven.  So every day, that's 145,000 people going to hell - and just 5,000 going to heaven.

(Pause to consider just how loving and merciful Yahweh actually is).

145,000 people a day....and only 86,400 seconds in a day.  So, very roughly, Satan will get to spend just over half a second greeting each new entrant to hell - and that's only if he spends every second of every day on the old "meet n greet" and zero time torturing or doing the admin or kicking back with a brew.

So, most likely, all I will get to say to Satan is "er...", before the conveyor belt whisks me past.

Feel sorry for the poor True Christian though.  Despite all their belief, they only get 17 seconds with Yahweh to get welcomed in....perhaps twice that if god AND Jesus are on the doors.  Imagine being devout all your life then god only having time to say hello and tell you where the toilets are.

[plethora]

Feel sorry for the poor True Christian though.  Despite all their belief, they only get 17 seconds with Yahweh to get welcomed in....perhaps twice that if god AND Jesus are on the doors.  Imagine being devout all your life then god only having time to say hello and tell you where the toilets are.

* puts on ghetto xtian hat *

gawd is muthafuckin' omnipresent dawg

[nogodsforme]

Feel sorry for the poor True Christian though.  Despite all their belief, they only get 17 seconds with Yahweh to get welcomed in....perhaps twice that if god AND Jesus are on the doors.  Imagine being devout all your life then god only having time to say hello and tell you where the toilets are.

* puts on ghetto xtian hat *

gawd is muthafuckin' omnipresent dawg

Plus, as we have heard many times from Christian posters, god is beyond our space and time. He will greet all of those new arrivals personally, and will custom-fit the halo and wings. Then he will spend an eternity playing heavenly ping pong, Twister and bid whist with each and every one. If he so chooses. This, after telling us we cannot know the ways of god. 

[Death over Life]

Feel sorry for the poor True Christian though.  Despite all their belief, they only get 17 seconds with Yahweh to get welcomed in....perhaps twice that if god AND Jesus are on the doors.  Imagine being devout all your life then god only having time to say hello and tell you where the toilets are.

* puts on ghetto xtian hat *

gawd is muthafuckin' omnipresent dawg

Plus, as we have heard many times from Christian posters, god is beyond our space and time. He will greet all of those new arrivals personally, and will custom-fit the halo and wings. Then he will spend an eternity playing heavenly ping pong, Twister and bid whist with each and every one. If he so chooses. This, after telling us we cannot know the ways of god. 

Really? I thought Heaven was going to be a celestial ball! Just, we'll all be around 8 years old instead of 18. And, I was thinking we would all (the Christians) be greeted with a bottle of lubricant and a bottle of lotion to soften us up. I mean, if the abuse cases we see are indeed of God, then just imagine Heaven!

[albeto]

Someone should make that movie and get money from it, wish I new how to...maybe hire some people to dress up in costumes and make a weird movie of it. (Who would watch that?)

The special effects would be insanely expensive but if one looked at animation instead, it could be doable.

Lego stop-motion photography. 

hehehehe

[rickymooston]

where is your sister I need a good F**K?

I'm an idiot.  I will undo the smite later. I thought I was reading another thread. 

You are allowed to be an asshole to satan lol.

[Historicity]

where is your sister I need a good F**K?

I'm an idiot.  I will undo the smite later. I thought I was reading another thread. 

You are allowed to be an asshole to satan lol.

Easyriders magazine had a short short story a long time ago about a biker who gets 3 wishes from Satan.  He sets the deal that if Satan can't fulfill one he'll get the other 2 and keep his soul.  So he wishes:

1) For his bike to be fixed.  (He and Satan are out of the road where he broke down.)
Done.
2) To be the greatest stud in the universe, even greater than Satan.
Done.
3) To f&#* Satan's old lady.  As he explains, Satan's old lady must be the most desirable chick in the universe and he wants to give a taste of what he can do for her for eternity when he gets there.

Satan pauses and painfully says, "no."

[kardula]

Satan?
By the time any of us get there, James Dio and Wurzel will have taken over the place!
It'll be an eternal metal festival!!! \m/

dibs on playing synth to Rainbow in the Dark.

If in hell I'd have to ask satan for some thousand year old whiskey. Surely by the time each person gets a moment with satan there's bound to be some thousand year old jameson lying around.

[Brakeman]

Have you seen Hitler, I'd like to kick his ass.

Jetson, I'm surprised at you! Didn't you know Hitler was christian? Can you imagine the kind of Holocaust Christian Saint John Chrysostom would have had if he'd had those German armies? A heck of a lot worse I'd say.

[Death over Life]

where is your sister I need a good F**K?

I'm an idiot.  I will undo the smite later. I thought I was reading another thread. 

You are allowed to be an asshole to satan lol.

Easyriders magazine had a short short story a long time ago about a biker who gets 3 wishes from Satan.  He sets the deal that if Satan can't fulfill one he'll get the other 2 and keep his soul.  So he wishes:

1) For his bike to be fixed.  (He and Satan are out of the road where he broke down.)
Done.
2) To be the greatest stud in the universe, even greater than Satan.
Done.
3) To f&#* Satan's old lady.  As he explains, Satan's old lady must be the most desirable chick in the universe and he wants to give a taste of what he can do for her for eternity when he gets there.

Satan pauses and painfully says, "no."

That actually reminded me of an extreme looney when I worked at McDonalds. There was this strange person who told one of my best friends he wants 3 women for 3 different things.

1 woman to love and to make love to

1 woman to beat the shit out of her

and...

1 woman to offer Satan as a sacrifice


  Talk about a lack of respect to women there! True story though. The guy wasn't a normal person by any stretch of means.

[nogodsforme]

^^^That guy had a lack of respect for humanity. 

[Death over Life]

^^^That guy had a lack of respect for humanity. 

From the way he was presented, I think he was a homeless guy. Either way, he had some problems as he was not right in the head.

I also remembered that there was an elderly guy as well who would eat there every day. Guy claimed that he was an alien from another planet and on December 21, 2012, His alien friends were going to come back and annihilate the planet or something of equal screwed up in the head.

If I ever end up homeless or elderly, I really do not wish to be like either of them. Completely out of touch with reality.

[pingnak]

http://www.hulu.com/watch/23459/the-simpsons-donut-hell

[nogodsforme]

^^^That guy had a lack of respect for humanity. 

From the way he was presented, I think he was a homeless guy. Either way, he had some problems as he was not right in the head.

I also remembered that there was an elderly guy as well who would eat there every day. Guy claimed that he was an alien from another planet and on December 21, 2012, His alien friends were going to come back and annihilate the planet or something of equal screwed up in the head.

If I ever end up homeless or elderly, I really do not wish to be like either of them. Completely out of touch with reality.

I saw a homeless handicapped woman in a wheelchair the other day. It struck me as a one of the most terrible situations to be in, living on the street and not even able to defend yourself. I hope she had a gun buried under her blankets.  Depending on how bad your life situation is, it might be better not to be in touch with reality.

[catbird]

hell?  I think you are mistaken. You meant to say the Lake of fire perhaps?

Satan ? Why would you say anything to him?

Do you know anything about Christianity ?

[velkyn]

hell?  I think you are mistaken. You meant to say the Lake of fire perhaps?

Satan ? Why would you say anything to him?

Do you know anything about Christianity ?

Bunches, having been one myself. 

[catbird]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..  1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the[c] Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.

[pianodwarf]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..

He:  "No true Scotsman puts sugar on his porridge."

She:  "But what about Angus Maxwell over there?  He was born in Edinburgh, he's lived there all his life, and he puts sugar on his porridge."

He:  "Well, that just proves that Angus Maxwell is not a true Scotsman."

[nogodsforme]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..  1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the[c] Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.

I was never a Christian either. I was a Jehovah's Witness. I am no longer one. So I was never one. Or something like that.

Hell, I was born and raised in the religion. We read the bible every day, went to meetings twice a week, house to house every weekend and did almost nothing else in between but hours of religion, religion, religion. How could I have been anything else but a Christian? Did the magic just not "take" due to Satan or something? Maybe there are some of us that god just does not want.

[jaimehlers]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..  1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the[c] Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.

How convenient.  Someone who stops being a Christian was never really a Christian in the first place, because they wouldn't have stopped being a Christian if they had really been a Christian.  This is nothing more than a rather blatant form of sophistry.

[curiousgirl]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..  1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the[c] Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.

Judgment from OneTrueChristian^TM...Better be careful, catbird. The verse you used pertains to the last hour, not the present. Remember what Jesus said:

Luke 6
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

I guess that means you will be judged for judging Velkyn 
Have fun in hell! Oh wait, it doesn't exist...

[Historicity]

Using the One True Bible, the KJV:

1 John 2:18 Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.

Using Catbird's favorite:

1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour.

That was written by someone about 90 AD.  "The last time" "the last hour" has been going on for 2000 years.

[curiousgirl]

That was written by someone about 90 AD.  "The last time" "the last hour" has been going on for 2000 years.

Exactly. Hence my sarcastic Biblical literalism to catbird: "The verse you used pertains to the last hour, not the present." John said it was the last hour. For those that take the Bible literally, explain that one.

[velkyn]

No, Velkyn. You were never a Christian. If you had been a Christian you would have remained a Christian..  1 John 2:Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the[c] Antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.

  Gee, how did I expect that.  Nok, catbird, people can and do leave Christianity just like they leave other religions and convert to Christianity.  What you are using is the "no true scotsman" fallacy, a common one with christians who are confused and think that only their version of their religion is the only right one.  I did hear that the antichrist was coming.  I got to be shown the idiocy of the "Late Great Planet Earth" back in the 1970s when a Christian lied to me and said that the world would end in the 1980s and gee, he was very very mistaken, just like you are.  Christians have claimed that their magic book would come to fruition year after year and they've failed every single time.  You'll fail too, catbird, and what will you do on your deathbed when it becomes obvious that you were wrong and your god did NOTHING you claimed it would?  Will you admit that you are wrong?  Or will you make up one more excuse, that yoru god is ooooh mysterious and will come "later"?  How much later?  Another 2 thousand years?  Another 10 thousand?

You known, I once thought I was goign to be the 'antichrist' sicne I would be firmly an adult during the year 2000, but silly me, I didn't realize that this ignorant primitive book didn't think that women could do anything important.  It would have to be a man.. What's even funnier is that my brother's mother-in-law, a self-claimed True Christian^tm and pastor, had her church buy a farm and put bass in the swimming pool becuase of the "tribulation".  Well, she still has fish 11 years later.  She failed in her nonsense and it's always sad to see people like you following her in such fearmongering.  that's all you have, catbird, fear to support your religion.  and it'll end up on the trash heap of history just like every other religion.