Shenanigans

[Chronos]

"Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again."

[Chronos]

A blind guy at a bar shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "before you tell that joke, you should know, our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy next to me is 6' 2", 225 lb. rugby player. fella to your right is 6' 5", 300 lb wrestler. Each one of us IS blonde. Think about it. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Chronos]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Timo]

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

-Anthony Jeselnik

[Chronos]

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
"We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?" she asks.
Husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
"But it stinks !" she exclaims.
"So hold its nose!"

[nogodsforme]

I first heard a version of this in college and the guy who told it was in hysterics by the end. Still has a... certain effect on me... Here goes:

Dusty sauntered through the swinging doors of the crowded saloon and announced to all and sundry in a gravely voice, "Ahm as parched as the Mojave Desert and I wanna gamble! Any takers?"

Fourfingers, the card sharp, saw a chance for some entertainment, so he said, "We kin take care of both of your needs, cowpoke. I'll bet you ten dollars you won't take a drink from that thar spittoon."

The tinkling piano stopped tinkling. The floozies stopped floozing. Everyone watched as Dusty narrowed his eyes and moseyed over to the shining copper receptacle sitting on the dirty floor at the end of the bar.

He hefted the battered spittoon up in his trail-worn hands, put the rim to his lips and tipped it back. To the horror of the onlookers, he drained the spittoon to the bottom, belched and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Brown Bart, the second toughest gunslinger in town, gagged and dashed out of the bar. A floozy fainted. Even Fourfingers stared in silent awe as he paid Dusty the ten dollars with trembling hands.

Dusty ambled to the bar and ordered rotgut whiskey. Fourfingers recovered from his shock and approached the cowboy. "Mister, you only had to take one little sip out of that spittoon to win the money. Why'd you drink the whole damn thang?"
*
*
*
*
Dusty squinted back at the gambler. "I didn't mean ta drink the whole damn thang. But it was all in one strang."
 

[Chronos]

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.  "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!

[Odin]

A man noticed a farmer walking a pig on a leash. It looked very odd, plus the pig had only three legs. He asked, "Farmer, why are you walking your pig on a leash?"

"Why, stranger, this is a very special pig," the farmer replied. "One night our barn caught on fire, and before my wife and I even woke up, the pig had called the fire station, and herded all the other animals out of the barn."

"The next week, a burglar got into the house, and the pig had him tied up and the police were on their way before I even realized what had happened."

"Then just last week, I fell into the duck pond and was about to drown, except this pig jumped in and pulled me out. Like I say, this is a very special pig."

"Well, that truly is a remarkable pig. But tell me, how did he come to have only three legs?"

"Are you kidding? A pig this special, you don't eat all at once."

Odin

[frofrodajimmyboy]

"What was the strangest thing you've ever seen?"  - Some Bro

"Well, I was in the grocery store when all of the sudden, the arms of the guy next to me burst in to flames.  He was running around screaming, just flailing them around.  Luckily the police came in time and arrested him."  - Some sis

"Wait, why did they arrest him?  What were the charges?" - Some bro

"Unlicensed fire arms" - Some sis

[Graybeard]

Variations on a theme:
1.   

"Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. .

He pulled out a baby, and said,
“Kathleen, you have a little brother.”
But as he looked back again, he saw a second head appearing. He pulled that one out,
“Kathleen, you have a little sister as well!”
The doctor look back again, “Another one!” and then the flashlight went out.
“What’s happened?!?” calls the doctor.
Kathleen replies, “I think it’s the light that’s attracting them…”

2.   

"Wait, why did they arrest him?  What were the charges?" - Some bro

"Unlicensed fire arms"

… The police went back out on patrol and caught 2 boys, one with a car battery  and one with some fireworks – They charged one and let the other off.

[albeto]

My dad had exactly one bedtime story. It was a moral story, really, about gambling and how you can never trust "a sure bet." So the story goes like this...


A fella went to a bar. After he sat down another guy came over and they started talking. Eventually the fella asked the newcomer if he'd like to have a friendly wager. He'd bet $10 that he could bite his own eye. The newcomer knew that is impossible and put $10 on the bar. The man took out his glass eye and gently bit down on it, scooped up the money and continued to drink.

A while later he asked the newcomer if he'd like to make another friendly wager. He'd bet $50 that he could bite his other eye. The newcomer knew that was impossible because the man wasn't blind, clearly he didn't have two glass eyes. He put $50 on the bar and the fella took out his false teeth and gently bit his other eye.



That was the end of our one and only bedtime story. As you can imagine, it didn't come up often.

Years and years later I was to find there is more to the story:




After losing $60 to this fella, the newcomer was in a foul mood, and understandably so. The fella asked him if he'd like to make one last wager. They'd been drinking for quite a while now and he had to use the bathroom. He'd bet $100 he could stand on one end of the bar and the force of his piss would be so great he wouldn't spill a drop on the bar, but instead fill a pitcher he'd place on the floor on the other side. The guy knew he'd been had twice, but no man could piss that far. The bartender, meanwhile, stood back to watch this. This fella was kind of an ass, after all, coming into his bar and making bets like that, creeping people out with his false teeth and popping his glass eye in and out of his head. He couldn't wait to see the newcomer clean this guy out and maybe he'd never come back.

So the fella stood at one end of the bar, unzipped his pants, and splash - pissed all over the bar. He mumbled to himself a little and handed over $100 to the newcomer, sat down and started to drink. Sharing a smirk with the bartender, the newcomer asked the fella why he'd made a bet like that. What made him think he could do something like that and why bet $100?!?

The fella replied, "Aw, that ain't nothing. See that guy sittin' in the back there grinning? I bet him $500 I could piss all over the bar and the bartender here would wipe it up with a smile on his face."



My dad had never told us this ending. I don't think he'd ever heard it himself because when I told him, he had one of those silent, everlasting laughs that turned his face as red as his hair.

[Chronos]

A man and his ever-nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "Ship her home."

Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?

"The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!"

[Chronos]

A wife and husband in their 80s were sitting on the couch telling stories about their marriage.

The wife took her fist and struck her husband in the shoulder and said, "Here's for all the years of bad sex!"

The husband shot a look at his wife, then took his first and hit her in the shoulder and said, "Here's for knowing the difference!"

[stuffin]

How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?

There are tobacco stains down both sides of the pickup.

[Chronos]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!

[C]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

[Chronos]

[Graybeard]

I first heard a version of this in college ...

 "We kin take care of both of your needs, cowpoke. I'll bet you ten dollars you won't take a drink from that thar spittoon."

That takes me back... I first heard that from my father in 1958.