No Man knows what heaven is like...but through the readings of the bible we can reveal that it is a wonderful place with pearly gates and streets paved with gold where there is no pain no weeping no getting tired...just eternal happiness...and it kind of makes you wonder why after hearing about this wonderful kingdom why atheist or anyone who rejects Christianity would say no to even a slight chance of this great place. especially when people like me strongly guarantee that it is real
Okay first, you and I both know you ripped that s**t off Fievel Goes West. But it's streets paved with CHEESE, not gold. And there are no cats in America. So major points deducted there right off rip.
But for the sake of arguement, let's just pretend your holy book DIDN'T shamelessly plagarize the heatfelt life story of some poor little immigrant field mouse and assume this is actually an original idea.
May I say, I find your deity's choices in decorating to be not a little tacky, and demonstrative of an exceptionally poor taste in exterior design. Pearl gates? Gold streets? WTF, are you serious? Is your god a famous rapper? Are you on some kind of "Pimp My Eternity" kick? S**t, why stop there? How about platinum manhole covers? How about some diamond-encrusted goblets for when we're all feasting on Jesus blood? And everybody gets their name spelled out on them, in Rubies and Sapphires!
Who the flying f**k would pave streets with GOLD? What kind of retard city planner does that s**t? Do you know how malleable GOLD is? Especially when it's heated up, as it surely would be considering heaven's proximity to the sun!?
Those streets would be scratched to hell in a month! Why does this "heaven" place even HAVE streets? Are there automobiles in Heaven? They'd better be emission free. Or am I to understand everybody simply WALKS these streets like they're straight outta Compton? Better not be no got damn walking I'll tell you what cuz I was told we all get these big ass freakin' WINGS and get to flap around like BATS n' s**t and I gotta admit, that sounds fuckin' rightous.
But why, for the love of f**k, would Heaven need *gates*? It's got security problems!? That's not very comforting. Are there prowlers creepin' about at night? What kind of half-assed deity needs GATES to protect their property!!??
Unless... What if the gates are there... To keep people *IN*!!!??? <GASP>
Anyway, I digest. I have a better place in mind. Check it out, it's called Rayopolis. Clean drugs, beautiful women, waterslides and beachfront housing as far as the eye can see. And all you gotta do to get there is strangle a dolphin to death with your bare hands. So what are you waiting for, rube? Get on it! Why would you ever say no to even a slight chance of this great place? It's a hell of a lot more fun than YOUR place at any rate. And not nearly so full of squares and tight-asses.
No, I'm sorry. I'll stop mocking. For real. Your magical land of gumdrop houses and cotton candy mountains sounds fantastic. Beam me up. We gotta domesticate a unicorn first, right? Wait, no, my bad, they don't have wings... We need us a Pegasus. Right. Or maybe we could just toss a lasso around the dreams of a child or something and let them carry us as they waft up into the lollipop kingdom?
I apologize. Sincerely. I said I'd stop, so I should stop. Because I actually do understand the potential conundrums that Christian Heaven has, particular involving the infamous butthole paradox that we've all heard about... and I know it can make people uncomfortable to talk about it, so I definitely won't ask what happens to your butthole when you go to heaven. I'm sure you've been asked far too many times whether or not you get, like, a little ghostly vestigal butthole that doesn't really do anything, or what? I guess I just assume that somebody just kind of stitches them up n' stuff since we'll never use them again. But I wouldn't presume to speculate. Not REALLY. I mean, I guess maybe there's like this assembly line, right? ...And as it takes you past the giant gaudy ass ebony & ivory gates, St. Peter (ha!) just stands there reattaching foreskins and stitching up buttholes and va jay jays and various urethri (urethras?) as they go by on their way to
Holy talking donkey balls dude. You're a grown ass man. You should be fucking embarassed that you actually believe this stuff, let ALONE go spreading it around. If I was your mama, you can bet your dollars to donuts that I'd slap the got damn taste out yer mouf and hopefully some sense into your fool head, and tell you, lovingly, get a GRIP sonny boy. There's some serious s**t going on in the world and here you're spending all your time staring into your belly button and dreaming about some dopey ass rainbow city in the sky with infrastructure made out of precious metals.
Holy s**t.
This thread has reeeeally brought out the weird in people.
