Poll Comment of Mine: Someone ACTUALLY voted the most negative option!?
Hopefully my 30-minutes-of-thinking-up-a-title title brought interest
This post will be of my pure opinion, please no hate or anything like "Stfu God doesn't exist" or anything like "Dude, just grow up, God doesn't exist. Period." (Christians are pretty offended by Athiests saying "GOD DOESNT EXIST HAHAHAHA: ) or anything that does not show any evidence on why you don't believe in God. Thanks
Anyways, let's go with the FAQ about God.
If we must.
Q: Who is God?
A: He is the Creator of everything, his son is Jesus and his mother is Mary. I think...
I prefer Ralphonzo Delichenzo Ferdinando Apropos "Captain Stupendous" Pope Poo, who is the third cousin of Super Mario and also happens to be pansexual. Really pansexual. As in 'don't leave that Ralphonzo alone with anything, ever' pansexual. He's got a problem, don't judge him.
Q: Who created God?
A: Good question, but no one created God, not even God himself. He is the Uncreated Creator, that's why he has no appearance
The correct answer is: me. I did it. I was bored. Not my proudest moment. Don't you hate it when pranks get out of hand? I've learned my lesson though. I forgive me.
Q: Is the bible true?
A: I'm pretty sure it's 100% true. Besides, I heard that scientists heard Egypt in the bible, so he started finding it, and they found it (I think they found more ancient cities found in the bible)
I heard that if you crush Fruity Pebbles into powder and mix that powder with bird milk, you create a paste that, if spread on your big toes, will let you run at the speed of light.
Q: Why is there an old testament?
A: I skipped that part due to its history. (me dunt liek history ) It shows on what happened in the past, and it happened before Jesus came. So basically it was created by God for Jews.
Oh, you silly, it wasn't created by god for jews; it was created by Ralphonzo because he's SHY. He's very humble, Ralphonzo is, so he wrote it while trying to give all the glory to someone else. Or blame someone else for his incompetence. Never can be sure with that rascally Ralphonzo...
Q: Why God doesn't show himself to us?
A: If your talking about God The Father, he doesn't have an appearance. If your talking about Jesus, its because it's not in his plan, or some other reason that doesn't waste his time (sorry if i offend you )
Smells like a conspiracy to me. Maybe if we get some mirrors and some fruity pebble/bird milk paste and lure god out using it as bait, we can look BEHIND god and see if he's REALLY invisible...or if he's just frontally invisible! YEAH!
Q: I saw these miracles and they said God did it. Are they true?
A: It really depends, some are and some are not. The false ones are just to bring attention, period. The true ones, however, are kind of hard to believe. But very few have enough proof to be real and from God.
I see miracles all the time. Just find 34th street and it's like, miracles ever day, all day. Can't hardly walk down 34th street without getting bumped by a miracle, tripping over a miracle, falling down a manhole and landing on a miracle. Crazy ol' world, right?
Q: Why doesn't God help us?
A: You are dead wrong. God DOES help us, just indirectly. Let's say this: A bear was peacefully eating blueberries, until 2 hunters came and is aiming at the bear with guns. You saw them, and wanted to help the bear, so you chop a tree down blocking the hunters sight and letting the bear live and run away from the hunters. It's like that, he indirectly helps us.
So, wait; god's out in the woods cutting down trees to save bears? That is SO COOL!
Q: Why God doesn't answer our prayers?
A: He does, but indirectly. Like if you wanted to be guided to a town while it's midnight and your lost in a forest. God will send a light bug or something and it will lead you to a town. It's like that. But most of the time he doesn't answer our prayers. If we tell him "Please answer this prayer", what does he have to say? Nothing. If you tell him a prayer like "Today was really great", he won't answer because he has nothing to say.
So, I hate to rain on the joy parade here (I was really getting into it too
), but what about all the people that die horribly or get raped and murdered and, y'know, all this other absolutely horrible stuff that we can bet at least some of them were praying to be spared/saved/rescued/etcetera from? And what happens if two people are fighting and they're both praying for victory?
I'm losing my faith here a little. These are haarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!
Q: Is Jesus really the son of God?
A: Yes, he said that A MILLION TIMES (expression). He did miracles, but are they true? Look to the next question!
I don't know if I can. That last question made me SUPER SAD!
Q: Are Jesus' miracles true?
A: Many do not believe Jesus' miracles because it's too hard to believe. Our minds are basic, only designed for free will.
I bet it's like history. Stupid history and miracles being hard to believe and other hard things being hard.
Q: Why is there suffering in the world?
A: We do many bad things, and we really arn't supposed to avoid the sufferings. Jesus has a plan that no one can understand. There are reasons why there are suffering in this world, maybe because we sinned way too much, or maybe so they can believe in Jesus, I don't even know.
Ralphonzo is a jerkass sometimes. Seriously, sometimes he's all "I want that baby to die in a tornado, ahahahaha!" and then it happens. And sometimes he's all "You look like you could use some CANCER, nice lady that never did anything wrong to anybody, ahahahaha!" And other times he's all "Aww, look at these people, all hungry. NO FOOD FOR YOU, AHAHAHAHA!"
Seriously, Ralphonzo's a real dick from time to time. It's pretty easy to understand though; he's completely and absolutely insane. He does nice things with the same random (yet cleverly inscrutible!) commonality. You never know with Ralphonzo! (Oh man, that's soo coooooool that that rhymed...)
Q: Why is there evil in the world?
A: Ahhh, something so I can really express my opinion to others! The Devil (Satan) does not bring evil to the world, but us.
Once, Adam and Eve had a peaceful life, everything was perfect, they also did not eat meat (it explains how Adam died in in the age of 821 or something). But, they ate the fruit of the Knowledge, which gave us a taste of what is good and bad. They only ate a bite, not a whole, so this bite from Adam and Eve... Changed our world, forever. God then punished them, then their children sinned, and their grandchildren sinned, and so on. BUT, some people did not sin (Noah, for example). We cause evil, because we cause sins to others. For example; We steal, the one who got stolen does revenge; Someone murders, someone avenges the one who got murdered by killing; Someone died, someone goes nuts.
WRONG! Ralphonzo did it, but he blamed them for it and then kicked them out because he really just wanted them gone so he could have his neato garden all to himself again, but he's a passive-aggressive little turd sometimes (oh that rascally Ralphonzo!) and made up all this garbage to convince them it was their fault. He's really a jerkwad sometimes, isn't he?
Q: Why did the flood occured during Noah's time?
A: Noah was the only good person (literally) in the whole world. God The Father wanted to wipe out all the humans except Noah and his family and animals. Why did God did this? Imagine your friend kicking you and stealing your stuff, and the murdering you in a night. Scary huh? Yeah, they were that bad. So God told Noah to make an ark and gather all the animals and stuff.
Oh you silly, this isn't true! This is what happens when Ralphonzo goes on a bender and passes out in the tub with the water running. The only reason humanity survived is 'cause Ralphonzo woke up in time to shut the water off.
Q: Did God really create the Earth in seven days?
A: Yes, he did. Some people said it took billions of years, there wrong. Changing and creating is completely different. It took billions of years to change the Earth, it only took 7 days to create the Earth. You heard of the Big Bang? If true, the Big Bang lasted 0.0000000001 millisecond (Or something). Then God merged rocks and put magma in it, then let it rotate to a sun at the perfect distance, then God changed the world so we humans can live.
Now you're just being goofy. Ralphonzo created the earth out of earwax and hired some alchemists to transmute it all into other things, but they weren't perfect and so we still get earwax in our ears, just like Ralphonzo.
Q: Why in the old testament it says that those who sinned must be put to death?
A: There's a reason why it's called the Old Testament, can't you read the Table of Contents in the Bible?
We all deserve to be put to death, but God gave us another chance by sending Jesus and he died for our sins.
Ralphonzo would like for you to know that he wrote the table of contents...wrong. On purpose. OH THAT RASCALLY RALPHONZO!
Q: When will be the end of the world?
A: Even Jesus doesn't even know when the world will end. God The Father has all knowledge (obvious), and there in the bible Jesus said his last words: My God My God, Why have you forsaken me?
Ralphonzo plans on devouring the world just as soon as he remembers to create an appropriate world-devouring sauce to go with it. He's already got the perfect vintage of Whine, so it could be ANY MOMENT NOW!
Q: When I told God I want something, why didn't he gave me the gift?
A: If you asked for him like "I want to kill everyone!" that's an obvious no. If you asked him like "I want a desktop!" he'll give you a better gift. If you asked him like "I want money!" then he'll say no because there's no reason for God to give you money, just for your greed. If you asked him with a reason like "I want money so I can feed my family!" He'll send someone or something that is unexpected and give you some money. If you ask him something impossible like "I want a farm in our desert!" He'll give you something better because the impossible is limited in our minds.
Ralphonzo would like for you to know that people are always asking him for things, but he's pretty sure that giving people a hard time is better than they deserve. If you've ever had, have or know someone that's ever had a hard time...voila, proof of Ralphonzo.
Q: Why are you doing this?
A: I was so frustrated that you all don't believe in God. So I came here, and wanted to show you guys this.
I can understand your frustration. Ralphonzo thinks you're a tool though. He's kind've a jerkwad, but, supreme being, whaddya do? He's now being all "I take bigger shits than this kid! Why I oughta...oughta...oh hey, look at what I can do! TEENAGE MUTANT PLANCK SCALE TORTOISES ARE NOW WHAT REALITY IS MADE OUT OF, AHAHAHAHA!"
Such a rascal, that Ralphonzo!
Q: Why God hides himself?
A: I don't know. But it's part of his plan, many are really curious about this. But in my opinion, read this: Let's say I'm God (for example). I created you all, and then many of you don't believe in me. I'm kind of angry, and I see you guys turn evil very slowly, but in heaven 1000 years in Earth if a day in heaven, so I see you guys change a lot. But all of you wanted to see me, I refuse because that is not in my plan. It will waste my time, I don't have the time to do something so pathetic. (Sorry if I offend you )
Oh, you're so silly! Ralphonzo isn't hidden at all. You just really suck at hide and seek. Everyone sucks at hide and seek, apparently. It has been privately revealed to me that if we all weren't such dumbshits, we'd just scoot over to the Andromeda galaxy and, voila, there we'd find Ralphonzo having a giant party all the time with people that are cooler than us.
A party to which we clearly weren't invited, which is why we're over here, sucking at everything, including hide and seek.
Q: Why do you believe in God?
A: 1: I don't want to go to Hell. 2: Just to be safe. 3: I just do. 4: It's my life. 5: He cheers me up.
Ralphonzo doesn't believe in your god, but he does believe in Star Wars. He's not sure why. He hates Star Wars in fact, but he believes in it anyway. Speculates that it's to spite himself.
Q: (by someone who asked me a question in my intro thread) How do I know my particular version of religion is the OneTrueChristian?
A: The bible brings true christians. Edited Bibles are not. If you are a Christian, you may want to read The New Testament to know Jesus' teachings well, in my deep honest opinion. You can skip the old testament, which is old.... And a testament... And is old...
Ralphonzo approves of this message...at least, the part with the elipses...he likes elipses...but he won't...say...why...
Now, that was quite a long FAQ, I might add more if anyone has any more questions by replying
Anyways, let's start with my facts on why all this life is NOT an accident. (in my opinion)
Ralphonzo is eager to hear what you said eternity ago! He's omnipresent and omniscient, you see, so he knew this in all tenses already.
1: If the Big Bang created the universe, what were the chemicals that caused it? And what created those chemicals that caused the Big Bang? And what created those chemicals that created those chemicals that created the Big Bang? (ect ect)
Ralphonzo thinks you ask stupid questions and should, instead, be wondering what you're going to do about that thing that's going to happen to you...soon. That terrible thing that he won't reveal to me that if ONLY you'd known about, you could have avoided and gotten the appropriate treatment for.
Now he's playing Jazz Hands in the mirror. That rascally Ralphonzo!
2: Why is the universe followed by laws. Such as gravity, ect ect.
There is no gravity. That's just a byproduct of party ball rotation. Ralphonzo won't specify what the party ball is or where it is or anything else though.
3: Where did water come from? How was it created? (in space)
Ralphonzo has privately revealed to me that shit gets spilled at parties and we're stupid for wondering this.
I guess that's about it. Please reply and don't hate me for this!
Note: If you ask a question that is in the FAQ I will ignore you. Please read the whole thing.
My past: (extra)
I was a nonbeliever, then when I was young I knew very little about God. But I began to understand him, and became a Christian. Even though I can't go to church, I read short bibles, and is now reading the real bible (GOLDEN PAINTED EDGES! ). I pray daily, not expecting an answer of God, because I pray summeries of my days.
EVOLUTION: If we came from monkeys, there's supposed to be no more monkeys. There are still monkeys. WTF?
ANGER: I'm God. I'm really angry that you don't believe in me. Your doing very evil things, I shall now kill you.
Ralphonzo blesses you. That isn't necessarily a good thing.