GG, you have been around these forums as long as I have. I always thought of you as a nice person.
No one can teach you to love, only you can, it comes with experience..
Maybe you are looking for attention or external validation. You will not get it from here, only you know the answer.
Your mother told you of a god. Before, she told you of a god, you had no knowledge of a god, its as simple as that. Humans make shit up all the time.. Maybe its something we do.. maybe to make ourselves feel better or just to fit into the slot that most people would like us to fit into, almost as a self defence mechanism, no one wants to be hated, am I right?
No one wants to be perceived as being evil am I right?
I used to think about all kinds of crazy shit growing up.. I figured if there was a god he hated my ass big time, but really I was just a victim of circumstance nothing more nothing less. When I had those thoughts I was in foster homes, group homes, government institutions and I was very young.
Those institutions, those certain "people" told me of a god and how much it would help me, love me, save me, etc..
Of course they were no help at all.. I could not hear this god they spoke of, I felt as if I were strange or defective, or worse, that Satan guy.

From the age of 9 till 16 I faked it, and hated them for it, hated them for making me feel inadequate, and quite ridicules. But it was not me. I did nothing wrong. I was just being rational by default and it took a long time for me to figure that out on my own.
I sincerely hope you do as well.
If there is a god why would it criticize anyone for not even knowing of it.
Do dolphins go to hell because they have sex for pleasure and not necessarily for procreation?
Makes no sense what's so ever.
What is god? something that humans made up, because they did not understand the world around them.
Who is god? something that humans made up, because humans had trouble understanding the complex emotions that evolve within us.
What is a soul?

A word, an emotion, usually when playing music or having great sex.