Split from this thread
I'll give this a shot, as to Why I believe [though I question, research, including yes To God, I argue all the time, maybe to myself, conscious, entity, deity, insanity, yes I've pondered all of these, as well as to nature, the life forces in nature]
ok, for starters I believed as a child, when I first heard, but prior to hearing I had seen firsthand occultist type of paranormal things that I could not just dismiss, as night terrors, now here's where it gets Weird, I was born in D.C. and my father's family all work for the government, no joke, not kidding you...NO I wasn't a monarch as is going on out there in conspiracy land but NOT saying that these conspiracies are not True, I've seen enough to validate that there is Something, out there, ok, and without going into All the gory details, not only was the occult tied into secret societies but one of the main religions [Catholic], now By that I mean, influence, threads, things I can't explain as I was only a small child but what I know, is enough. Also there was paganism involved, I know there was Venus, one of the vivid memories I do have.
Now if that isn't enough, we lived in the South, and while my mother was not religious for many years, I did live in a religious conservative town, so I had lots of exposure. So I for numerous years was of the conservative mindset on many things however as a woman I had a lot of cognitive dissonance and I rebelled, a lot, and left the South, left Christianity for numerous years after seeing the misogyny and so forth that I witnessed and got into the other pole, revolutionary politics. I never like stopped believing in Jesus but at that time I just didn't care to follow Him, and the more I got into secular and revolutionary thought [far leftism, anarchism, etc., radical feminism of which I am still radical feminist] and the more I got into activism especially fighting poverty and Anything to do with a pyramid hierarchy the more I moved away from religious thinking....
then I met a Muslim, learned firsthand what That life was all about, no thanks, seen enough to Never submit, all I'll say on that matter, but like in other religions the being woman and dealing with the cognitive dissonance from cultures/mores that are All about oppressing and treating women as subhuman, something even ANIMALS don't do to their own kind, not even the patriarchal 'baboons' of Africa deal with their own female species with the sadism that human religious men do--[don't worry, I'll get into the secular here in bit] that got me to questioning...Again,
and then, in the Secular, and I'm talking the fiercely anti-religious secular revolutionary movements, I saw what some disturbing similarities between the misogyny though guised under a friendly we love women but really it's just that we love to FK them...or be entertained or Indifferent to the rapes/violence of women, etc., as long as they of course, know they are equal in the public work sphere and well, good political Fodder, and the Group Think 'type of ideological pyramid' structures I witnessed though it took me Many more years to deconstruct the 'myths' and 'fantasies' of what I believed to be THE liberation, emancipation and Progress. And this really came to the forefront when after Years of investing in yes the Human Revolution for Progress and Enlightenment and Change and all that, I ran so often into two main ideological themes, with the usual, Excuses that were EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE RELIGIONS I GREW UP WITH, AND WITH THE FASCISM AND 'TERROR' I KNEW AS A CHILD in the secret society/cults and so forth
1. the indifference to the humanity of women kind, be it violence including Gendercide on a mass scale, including emotional and psychological terrorism that I always was seeing [and other women]
2. the indifference and even the dismissal of the reality of horror that survivors of slavery and sex slavery especially, children, endure, for lifetime, by the very ideologies that promised they were different than Religions, etc., conservatives, etc.,
and the straw that broke the needle's back was when dealing with one incidence where a very anti-religious platform fought to protect pedophilia, that I saw blood, literally, so much for progress and fighting social oppression, inequality and human brutality and Supremacist and patriarchy and capitalism and all the other 'isms' out there
and the other, the same damn excuses I heard in Religion I heard in anti-Religion ideology which Then,
made me question, a lot. And so I for a long while didn't believe in Anything, just wanted to kill the world...yea went through long period of that, severe depression, etc., you see I also spent years in advocating women's human rights and know the horrors because that is what I did, not just women, but human rights in general, and the answers given to me, the rationale, by non-religious just didn't cut it,
not when it came to misogyny, economic injustice, feminization of poverty, relativism that doesn't give a damn if it's females thrown to the wolves, etc.,
so then, I went back to the Bible...thought, OK well maybe God was right, but at first, I wasn't heart wise ready, and I remember opening up the Bible and sure enough, opened to Judges, about the story of the concubine who was ganged raped...needless to say, I told God what HE could do with His misogyny and I threw that Bible across the room.
and then, this voice, said, instead of just being narrow and assuming why don't you DIG deeper...
so I did, I picked it back up, and read it, five times...and I could see that the Lord God did yes, punish those men who gang raped the concubine, but I still wasn't satisfied with that, and I said to Him, OK but you spared the asshole husband who obviously Has to hear something and well I can't remember all but I remember going back and forth with it...and the voice said, Dig deeper, keep reading,
and so I did, and then it jumped out, at the end of the book, Judges, it says,
there was no king and men did as they darn well pleased.
Several times it said that. So, OK then, so I thought, well that explains That one, and so for like a Year, this would happen, I would read, see something, get Furious, ask, and then the voice or prompting and I would do some further digging...and like one little verse would like put a Whole different meaning and then it was like it became clear, but it would Also cause more questioning, such as Why was the concubine nameless? Well because she represents All women, who are raped, society, misogyny, treats women as non human, men who rape do not see women as human, as persons with personhood, and the unmarked graves of thousands of women who are raped and murdered, today, are evident of this Still, be they women killed by honor killings, prostitutes [and concubines were sex slaves] or the thousands of butchered women through out the world due to sex trafficking [I prefer sex slavery as term, trafficking is the white washing of the horror but anyway] and so...
Then I was prompted to read ancient societies/do research and especially ancient Mesopotamia. But now here is where it gets weird,
I start having numerous dreams...about my childhood and things that well, were just Way too vivid, so I would wonder, OK what do they mean. Then I would remember key things in the dreams, and look them up, some were in Bible, but they all had links to child sacrifices and so forth, and so I googled/researched key things in the dreams, things I knew nothing of,
and then over time, this took a year, the things dreamed could no longer just be dismissed as anomalies or just coincidence or just my own concoctions, and Yes I did question them all. And then a couple of like really weird paranormal things happened, one I still have in my house, after I asked God what was iniquity. I turned on the humidifier and for some reason, I added salt, something I don't Ever do--and the next morning, on my wooden wardrobe all these faces were there, in this dusty like film that Wouldn't come off...faces that were alien/demon like, and not just one--ok, like how that one scientific explanation explains them away, but about Twenty. And it was like, I KNEW what they meant, it was the ancestry of the occult in my family, now Here's the even weirder part, we moved from my father when I was six years old, from D.C., I never saw him again, ever. Talked to him ONCE...on the phone, when we had left, and he died in 92, I never knew him. But my brother met the family, back east and learned some about him...like he was a Shriner, etc., and then this past year I learned, for first time, my grandfather was bookie, That I knew, but what I didn't know, is that he was a bookie for Senators, also in D.C. area, back in the day.
OK so anyway...so like I'm freaking out thinking, OK this is just loony nuts, or I'm going crazy, or there is Something to this...then it got even weirder....things in my life, the dreams, they all began to connect, things I never though, ok, but then I saw...like towns we lived in, had either strong history in Masonry and also Native Indians were butchered there either by war [one town strong mason links] or by Catholics...coincidence, well Maybe if that was all, and only one town, but every man I knew, occultist ties of some kind...other gods, etc., and so the more I attempted to find logical rational explanations the more I would see that there was none...it was like, this thing or things controlling my life, all this time, without me really understanding,
and this didn't give me a feeling of ease, no, it caused me to question God even more. And all this time, it caused me to question myself and to see myself, how when I was 'religious' per se I was just that, religious, and that was heavily influenced by the occultist forces in my life even though I was not aware of them--I knew religion and a mental assent to Jesus but looking back I didn't know or believe in Him personally in heart--now I knew scripture, I knew the if you believe you will be saved, etc etc etc., I even had a conversion experience in my twenties, all of it,
but all in all, I had no real life transformation and yea, prayers didn't get answered, etc., in fact my life got worse. So I fell away, didn't believe, or became cynic and skeptic, so forth...and then, coming Back to the faith, well I tried church, but it was like I could see something was so off, and then I tried to get into fellowship with other Christian women--and I find that so much has deteriorated and what Really just blew me away, was the evidence of the very same occultist things I had seen as child/grown up with and then seeing them in numerous doctrinal teachings, Especially to women.
So---that left me to tear apart everything I ever believed, went through months of questioning whether or not Jesus was real or just some concoction of men/leaders to rule mankind through terror, I questioned aliens, Illuminati, all of it.
All the while staying in the Bible, looking, for answers...also during this time, because of the years of just so much needed healing because for years I was in denial about what transpired in childhood OR because Christianity taught me to just forgive, forget, and I didn't deal--I was prompted to spend a lot of time, in nature, just listening, observing,
and Then, then it's like, I don't know how to explain...I met God. But not like the God I had always been told about, and when I tried to share, with Christians, I found that what I was understanding was not what the Western religions teach, well there are hints of it here and there, but I found more similar or in harmony to what I was seeing with the inner mind so to speak, or heart, with Native Indian beliefs...not All of them, but many of them. And so I paid attention to nature,
and then, I just got this whole new way of seeing God, Jesus, and then what was even more confirmation was I saw things in Bible that in doctrine/dogma are glossed over, but they are There, all over the Bible,
but they are So not like what traditional religion teaches, not even close. They are what is deemed as earth centered, what Christians call pagan,
but ironic thing is, what is known as Christianity, is actually what is Pagan, based on Rome/Greece and Egypt, all of which, I knew as child...
anyway, the hard part about all of this was seeing who I really was, when I saw who God really was and was not, for so many years I could point out the flaws and evils and horrors of the world, and yes, they are true, but I could not really see, how I was a part of that--how I was a consumer zombie just like those I detested,
I think--to me, that the Bible is a lot of allegory of things we don't understand because we can't see but that it's really about what is Inside of Us, does that make sense?
Like, good and evil, yes they are externals but to me, more now than ever, it's all about what is Inside me...like, OK the whole thing today is the end times and image of beast and Satan and all that,
and not saying I don't believe in the 'externals' of those things, I do--but more and more after all I've been through, I think it's really about the beast inside of us, that the heaven or hell is a place of BEING, matter changes form, energy--bacteria, all of it,
we may not See this energy but it changes form. In nature, things yes die, decay, but that decay is the fuel that creates new Life, hence tree of Life...in all the food chain, life is interdependent, even someone said here, the mountains, are beautiful and that's subjective, they also cause [plates] earthquakes,
yes, they do, those earthquakes however also cause new land forms...hurricanes destroy and at the same time they create new life systems on new land forms caused by volcanoes. The story of Jesus is that He lays down His life to give Life to us, etc.,
we are the anti-thesis of all God is, we Take life, more than we give...we consume from nature, every day we walk by trees, plants, and do not think that it's Their taking our carbon and then converting that to oxygen that WE depend on to live, etc., we don't see the Feminine in nature, the SHE part of GOD but she's all over,
even our bodies, are the exact image of God, nature...our blood system, the rivers, plasma, just like on this earth, Bible says the life is in the blood--on our earth, that's true as well, without Water, streams, oceans and that whole water cycle, life dies. The hair on our arms looks like the grass of the plains, everything from the womb to our hair to our feet, there are similar patterns and fractals in nature, earth,
which Biblically isn't far off, from dust ELEMENTS are you formed and ELEMENTS are you returned...take vitamins, well those are elements of earth, oxygen from air, four elements we all need, etc., found all in space, so forth. And the thing is, while doctrines of institutions say this is new age [and there is new age, no I don't believe in new age just saying] and the nature connection, Especially the Feminine is rejected, even despised, erased, there is/are numerous revelations of this in Bible, both testaments,
Jesus healing the blind man...with dirt and spit [dirt earth or Mother Earth] and spit the water/air cycle, etc., that's one example, Elijah and the water and the bear, very similar to the bear clan beliefs and water and so forth...it's All there but humanity doesn't see it because we are disconnected,
the material, greed [root of evil love of mammon, etc], hierarchies, violence, lording it over, consumption, degradation, etc.,
does this mean I take the Bible as all truth? No, I think, well theory, it's the knowledge of good and evil, presented to us, very much like the fruit of that tree was presented to Eve...in the Garden,
has it been tampered with? Very possibly so, never say never...if so, then Why did God allow? Well I question that one...maybe the thing is the human heart, is or if it chooses love or To love, to overcome evil, then the heart sees,
but to get to that, is to face the one truth, that we are good at pointing out the evil or flaws of God...but IF we are made in the image and likeness of God or gods, then yes, we could say, man created the Bible/books and God/gods in his image--or vice versa,
one thing can't be denied...Garden, where the Lord God says to Eve, ye shall desire your husband and he shall rule over you...no amount of progress, has changed this fact...the minute Adam told the Lord God, it's YOU and that Woman YOU gave me...and turned onto her, rather than say,
yea I took it, I wanted wisdom or I wanted to be 'like the gods'...same goes for Eve...the serpent tricked me,
is still heard today, all the time. The blame, the fear, the hiding Who we are, the pretense, all of it--God was evil because God committed horrible genocide,
well two hundred years from now [if the world lasts that long] don't you think that Iraq and Afghanistan won't say the Same about US?
See, mirror image, that's what image means btw, mirror.
Sin, sin is doing contrary to love, so many say, God killed in OT and allowed rape--same could be said about the world that fought in WWII, but IF that war did not go on, where would we be today? Not justifying genocide, not what I am saying here...but in looking BACK I think we have to be careful in how we judge the books, written in B.C., by standards that WE today, are in NO shape or form condition of making judgments against God or even the people of that time. Slavery...oh yea...we consume vast amounts of chocolate made from yes, child slaves, Brutal slavery in fact--we buy it, knowing [many who do know that is] and yet we can say, well the Bible justifies slavery but WE'RE immune from those same judgments?
Same with cotton industry that pillages vast amounts of water from areas that people so need it so we can have mega clothes to cover our nakedness and shame because to BE accepted one has to LOOK accepted and never mind that there are sweatshops and child slaves harvesting that cotton--Slavery still exists, it just moved shores that's all,
and sex slavery, do I even NEED to elaborate there? I can't count how many times I've read/heard rationale for porn that is no doubt made by sex slaves and prostitution we KNOW is trafficked slaves but hey--it's over THERE, it's THEM people, there's Always an Excuse,
but now if it's done in B.C. well now that's a whole different thing...see I think, the Bible is really a mirror of mankind's or humanity's condition, that no amount of Knowledge and technology has changed much--we may have evolved in technical advancements, but WE are still just AS barbaric as those prior to us, if not More so, because WE should know better,
because WE have what?
Knowledge of good and evil...
so, guess that leaves me to question, WHO is God then?
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