I was raised in a fairly liberal church (the Uniting Church- it doesn't exist outside of Australia- it's a mixture of Methodist, Presbyterian, and Congregationalist), which is typically outspoken on things like refugee's rights, and at one point was considering giving blessings for gay couples in church (same-sex marriage isn't even a debate here- no one talks about it). They do consider homosexuality immoral, though, they just think we're all sinful and we shouldn't punish some people for it more than others (and better a 'joined' gay couple than one that's not, I suppose).
I was bullied quite badly during primary school, and retreated into myself, including my belief that Jesus was a friend that I could talk to (I was diagnosed with depression at age 12, but it likely began when I started school). I started going to a Christian school (officially non-denominational) at the beginning of year 6 (my public primary school wasn't doing anything about the bullying and it had gotten to the point where most of the boys in my grade would gather around me in a circle and throw rocks at my head).
This Christian school wasn't as bad as they come, but it was pretty bad. It was one of the last schools in Australia to get rid of corporal punishment (public schools got rid of it in the early 80's, this school held onto it until 1996). We memorised a Bible verse a week (I was told by some students that I wasn't "Christian enough" because I didn't know the ones they'd memorised in previous years) and we all said grace before lunch, a prayer of thanksgiving before class every morning (and before most exams). All of our classes were tied to Christianity, and while my friends at other schools were learning about comparative religion, I was engaging in Bible study. We were encouraged to pray instead of study (God had more answers than we did). There was a policy that only people who could prove they were active members of their Christian church could be hired (I remember hearing a story that a Catholic woman volunteered for the uniform shop and she was sent home in disgrace because of what she believed. Catholics "weren't acceptable", and the school "really deteriorated" while I was there, because heaven forbid, some Jewish children enrolled). I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 and the school were horrified when I was medicated (rather than praying to God for forgiveness), and I was told countless times (mostly by my classmates), that I'd been possessed by a demon. I came to believe that I'd done something wicked in a horrible life and I was in hell (the way I felt when I was in my early teens is not something I like to think about much, but I'd rather die than go back to that)
I was there for four years. During my last year (year 9- I was 14), two things happened. First of all, the school had to follow the horrible government's instructions and teach us about EVILution (which involved a two second straw man and the rest of the class with the watchmaker argument. After that, one of the disruptive students in our class would claim in most science lessons that he'd heard a really persuasive argument for evolution, and we'd get more fallacious arguments. By the time I changed schools, I was so far behind in my scientific knowledge that I never caught up).
But, more painfully, I had my first relationship- with a boy in my year. I was pretty immature and did some silly things, but he started to hit me. Just bruises (once or twice he pulled my hair so hard it fell out), but bruises that lasted for months in some instances. They did counsel him- on what, I'm not sure- but they counselled me on temptation. How girls, following in Eve's footsteps, can be responsible for boys doing bad things and how we have to be particularly careful in our behaviour or they'll hurt us and themselves. These meetings (they went on for months) usually ended with me and the counsellor praying for my forgiveness, and, in my opinion, helped perpetuate the cycle of violence. (At the end of the year, largely due to my relationship and the school's reaction, I moved to an elite private school, which was nominally religious, but only ever involved 'religion-lite'- "be good because Jesus wants you to be good" and not moving far past that)
But my religiosity didn't begin to waver or fade until I was eighteen. Until then, I assumed it was all my fault and I must be a terrible person. When I was eighteen, I went to university- and a whole new world opened to me. Among the things that I discovered in my first month or two at university was that I was attracted to women (as well as men). At first I tried to repress it- it's a sin, it's a misfiring of your brain, anything I could think of. But the feeling wouldn't go away- and it made me feel really good. Free. It was on that basis that I began to question why Christianity would say it was wrong- I couldn't see that it hurt anyone, and it was certainly helping me. I began to think that the Bible had been mistranslated, that emphasis had been placed on the wrong bits (I figured that the translations could have been less favourable to women in the past than they are now). I started to distance myself from church, and read the Bible more. It took about three years (I went through calling myself a "spiritual Christian" who was against "religion" for quite some time, and gradually discounted more and more parts of the Bible as false or the product of another era), but I came to the point where the label "Christian" didn't mean anything anymore.
This was informed by dating a Mormon, and them trying to get me to join their church. I realised that some of the things I found so abhorrent about Mormonism were present in the liberal Christianity I desperately clung to, and that there wasn't any way to justify it without removing elements of Christianity that seemed to be important for maintaining the whole.
My belief in Jesus had been reduced to nothing more than a search for goodness and truth, and a fear of the 'abyss' of not having a religion. I still search for goodness and truth, and there was no abyss. In fact, the burden of my "sinful nature" has been lifted from my shoulders, I no longer feel judged (except by some Christians, but I can just put that down to them being bigoted, sheltered, and/ or arseholes), and I feel free to be the very best person I can be, and to value the life that I do have.
I wish it were more rational, less self-centred, or more insightful, but there it is.
(Edit: left a very important bit out, sorry)
