I was going through a divorce. A lot of things that were done and said during the process were lies or twisted. I was trying to find support at the church, and, the leaders claimed to be guided by the spirit and trained to expertly help. The stuff they actually did was not expert. It's not their fault the relationship was in trouble, just as it's not the EMTs fault if you have a heart attack.
But if the ambulance drives over the patient after arriving 4 hours late to the house, then stops for a meal on the way to the hospital... it's not really good care right?
So this lead me to ask, "Are people who claim to be guided by the spirit really guided?"
I was also in the most sincere prayer I'd ever experienced, hoping for relief for myself and my kid, and it was Linus in the Pumpkin Patch level sincerity. I didn't expect miracles, but, I expected something.
The prayer group I was in could clearly see the genuine, heartfelt effort I was making, and fully supported me and believed that god had a miracle in store. They all agreed in prayer.
After the divorce, they all shied away because it was proof that prayer wasn't answered, so, instead of being supportive... "God must have had some reason to allow this." (it's your fault)
I stopped going and, there were a few months where my thoughts were pretty dark. Nobody called. Nobody seemed to know how bad it was. Largely, if you're a single dad working to keep your kid(s) in your life, there is NO help for you. There are not support groups, charities, victim's rights groups. It felt like, if you're a guy, and you're divorced, then you must be guilty of something. Even if she cheated and you didn't. Even if she was abusive and you weren't. It didn't matter because you're the guy.
Especially in Christian circles, since the guy is supposed to be the head of his household, the blame and responsibility all falls on you. This is why pastors who let their families fall apart sometimes kill themselves. It shatters everything in their life. (not that I'm a pastor)
Again, I don't expect people to know or care on their own, but, these were all people who claimed to be deeply connected to God. I also noticed in separate conversations that multiple people all claiming to be guided by the spirit and talk to God were saying different things. I noticed that it was more important to defend God than to empathize with the person. I started Googling why prayer doesn't work.
I was reading WWGHA... (this site), and, really struggling with it. I didn't want to agree with what the site said, but, it was right about everything.
Then, after basically setting myself back a decade financially because my ex fell for someone else... our dog was dying. After cutting a huge check, while she lived rent free, and I was broke, I called to talk about the dog. I'd never asked for a dime. The first words out of her mouth were something like, "I hope you're not asking for financial help with the dog."
Our dog, was laying in our old driveway, moaning in pain, unable to get up, and I'm crying on the phone like an idiot, and that's what this Christian woman says to me.
As I sat in the vet's office for the next 4-5 hours, paying hundreds of dollars I didn't have to get blood tests for the dog, and finally put to sleep... I started comparing my faith to Linus in "It's the Great Pumpkin." I started revisiting the things I'd read on this site.
The world started making sense in that god isn't real. Prayer isn't answered. Christians really don't change, and aren't better than anyone else... they're just like everyone else, except maybe more delusional about faith, but no less sinful. (often more because it's repressed and hidden) People claiming to have been made wise by God were less wise than the least educated student in the matter they were discussing. I remembered pastors talking about "young earth" theories, and how I mentally blew those off at the time, instead of facing how stupid those theories are.
Why would it make sense that so many people would be doomed to hell?
All those stupid quotes about "God never gives anyone more than they can handle."
If that's the case, and there was a God, then he purposely hid himself and gave me more than I could handle intentionally, so I'd burn in hell for eternity. There's no way such a being could be good.
It took me a few years to fully grasp that "God didn't exist at all." It was much easier for me to suggest that "If the Christian God existed at all, he was evil and uncaring and not at all worth worshiping."
The world makes perfect sense when viewed through the lens that God is Imaginary. I never would have even gotten into that relationship if not for faith based "What does Jesus want me to do here" type thinking.
I started to see how damaging to life and logic faith could be, and how much Christian's hurt... badly hurt... other people with their well meaning faith based intentions. I felt stupid that it took such a shock and such effort to "deprogram" myself.
I talk to Christians online because I know there are other people struggling and suffering in a delusion like I was, and hearing that they're not alone in having those doubts, and the doubts are actually CORRECT, maybe it'll help some people.
I'd consider my life successful if I help a few people who are beaten down by faith to leave it behind.
I've devoted a lot of study to evolution, methods of dating (besides Carbon Dating), and science so that I understand exactly why Evangelicals are wrong. I know the Bible better than most Christians. I felt like I was a victim to faith and delusion, and, yes, I'd like to help other people climb out if they want to.